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During conflict with my wife, I am not touched when

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she suddenly turns to tears...
During conflict with my wife, I am not touched when she suddenly turns to tears. When I am upset, her tears concern me but do not draw me to her. In fact some times I feel even more upset and distant. When she is hurting about other things away from conflist I am moved to comfort her. How can I explain the difference to her? Why do I feel this way?
Submitted: 9 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 18 minutes by:
7/22/2008
Counselor: Ms Chase, Life Coach replied 9 years ago
Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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HelloCustomer

How long have you and your wife been together?

What are your ages?

Tell me a little about your parents or parental figures relationships to each other, for example, were your parents close? distant?

Have you every been in the military? Have you ever been in therapy?

Any other relationship problems? or what happens to make her cry?

Chase
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
We are celebrating 20 years next year. We are in our mid 40's. I am a naturally very afectionate person and she says it all the time. The only time I am hard and cold is during conflict. She tends to get discouraged and I try not to lecture. This has been our problem all the 20 years. We are happy though and I want this one solved once and for all. I have no military background, my mother who raised me alone was very loving. She has some rejection in her history. I am a marriage counsellor myself but cannot explain/understand this dynamic well. My fault or hers she gets upset but somehow beleives her tears should bend anyone who loves the other. She is a fantastic person anyway except in this area.
Counselor: Ms Chase, Life Coach replied 9 years ago
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Hello Chase, thanks for your answer. I am sorry to say it is because similar answers were unsatisfactory that I was seeking further. My wife is not a manipulator. To be honest I feel that that answer over simplifies the problem and lacks a depth of understanding the needs of women. I have since had a live chat with a counsellor online who did not give me a full answer but pointed me to a deeper searching. I spent about 2 hours talking to my wife last night along a new line and realised that she is rather dealing with a wrong relationship paradigm. We are now on course to resolve this long-standing problem. Thanks
Counselor: JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional replied 9 years ago
JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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HiCustomer

I would be happy to answer your question in a different way if you would be willing to share with me your new understanding of the problem. I am a psychologist and work in a psychodynamic framework. I might be able to provide you with further assistance.

 

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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
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Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.

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