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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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I found out my husband was cheatingn on me from ...

Customer Question

I found out my husband was cheatingn on me from messages on his cell phone. He omitted he was having an affair and told me she lived out of town.Through some investigating i found out that it wasnt her. he than told me another name and i found out that was also untrue. Are marriage has been doing very well because he is being the perfect husband but i still want to know her name and where shes from. Ifeel i need questions answered to bring closure to this whole mess.Am i wrong for wanting to know who she is?he told me someday he will tell me everything but for now he cant because he feels i will call her.I told him i wouldnt do that if he would just be honest with me but he doesnt believe me. should i end this marriage,
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-How long have you been married?

-Do you want to stay in the relationship and make it work?

-Why do you want to know her name and where she is from? Is it because you want to make sure he can not see her anymore?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.

My husband is 54 and i am 51. we have 4 children 24, 23, 21, 19.we have been married 26 years. my husband works out of town alot and i would feel alot more comfortable knowing where she is. I found out about the affair in feb. 2008 and became very depressed not knowing who she was or where she was so he gave me a false name.after 3 months i realized this wasnt true so he told me another name and 3 months later i find out thats not true.I feel in the meantime we have worked on the marriage and we can have alot of fun together,even our sex life has been better. but now im at a place finding out the 2cd person isnt true the lieing is starting to be more hurtful than the affair.I feel he still sharing a bond of secrecy with her.I think Ive waited long enough for the truth it will be almost 6 months and i feel im being dragged trrough the mud. i deserve to know the truth by now, and if he cant trust me enough that i wont call her than maybe we should end the marriage. after all he is the one who made the mistake not me. He will turn the tables though and say to me i thought you loved me enough to wait until i feel its the right time to tell you.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

Part of healing a marriage after an affair is letting go of the past even though he lied about the name twice and won't tell you where she lives he is trying to get the marriage back on track. You look at it as him protecting the other woman when he may not have wanted to hurt you anymore than you have been and he knows that if you contact her you will only get hurt even more. You both need to start fresh and begin to trust him again. I think that a counselor can help you better understand why your husband did what he did and also maybe they can help your husband to see your feelings on the subject and he will finally tell you the truth and the both of you can put this behind you but I must say you have been doing a great job at healing the relationship on your own except for the information you are longing for. Is that information that important to you?

If things are going great why harp on the past he is trying to show you he is sorry and wants to make the marriage work. I do not believe the saying once a cheater always a cheater I believe a person can change if they use self control and I also think it will be very beneficial to you both to get counseling about this infidelity especially this one part of the affair you can't get over. I think your husband will tell you when he thinks you can handle the truth but you have to trust him enough not to get upset all over again if he does tell you he knows that things are good and he doesn't want that to change. I think he realized what he did but he just wants to let it go if you knew the other woman's name and where she lived you would keep things going.

He just wanted it to be over and work on the marriage you cannot fault him for that he is trying to make up for his indiscretions and make your life and healing process easier. Give him another chance and try to prove to you that he is trying to change and prove to you that the marriage can work. I have included some site that will help you to better understand abbot getting over infidelity: