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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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My live-in boyfriend of 5 years is definitely cheating ...

Customer Question

My live-in boyfriend of 5 years is definitely cheating on me. This is a fact. I know this because I''ve looked on his computer and found correspondence with women. Many of the emails and instant messages are quite graphically explicit in what they are going to do to each other when they meet. The messages are often setting up plans to meet, with when and where.
He also does not use his cell phone when I''m around. If he forgets to shut his cell phone off, and it rings, and I ask who it was, he usually says, “wrong number”, or “a bill collector”.   One time I commented about him getting quite a bit of wrong numbers, and he got extremely defensive and sarcastic.
I''ve also created a “fictitious” woman online, made contact with him, and he immediately started plans to meet for sex. (and never tells any of them about me) He tells them that he is divorced and free.
He will make plans with me to go out for lunch or shopping or something, then he will open his messages, get a message from someone (this last time it was from me pretending to be another woman) then tell me that he just got a message from his boss and he has to work so we have to cancel our plans.
I found the name of another woman, created a fake email and instant messenger, got into his accounts and changed that woman''s ID to the one I created. He has been corresponding with me (he thinks its that other woman) for the past week. He made all kinds of plans with her, including plans to get a room and detailed description of what he plans to do. The meeting time hasn''t happened yet. I would love to be able to “catch him” red handed, and me show up instead of that other woman, but I don''t have a car.
I am trying to figure out how to approach him with WHAT I know, but I don''t want him to know HOW I know.
The other issue is that he has to take me everywhere I go because as I said, I don''t have a car. So any where I go, he is with me, BUT he comes and goes as he pleases, with out me, so he can do almost anything he wants and not worry about me showing up unexpectedly!!!!!!
I''m trying to save money to get my own car, but until then, I''m stuck.
He is always telling me that he loves me.   Some point in our relationship I fell in love with him.
I love him so much…………….but now, I am having my doubts about our love for each other.
So, how do I let him know that I know with out letting on how I know?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



What I would do is print out all of the correspondences and keep them to confront him when the times comes but I would ask a friend to take you to one of the meeting places with these women the next time they set up a meeting and the time and place have you friend take you there and be waiting this way the proof (the woman) will be with him. Before you do all of this you have to have a plan of where you are going to go or how you are going to get him to leave if that is what you decide this you have to think about first are you going to take him back or are you going to leave him or have him leave? If you do not have a friend then take a cab but act as the other woman make plans to meet at a hotel you go to the hotel first and set up everything like it's going to be a romantic sexual encounter and tell him the door will be unlocked and then have all the correspondences laid out on the bed and be waiting in the bathroom and when you hear him come in confront him with the proof.

One thing you have to realize is do you want to be with someone you can not trust? How are you going to be able to get that trust back? You can not let this go you have to show him that you know what he has been doing and that you even corresponded as one of the women so that you could have concrete proof that he is cheating. It really doesn't matter how you found out what matters is that you found out and have proof and he needs to be confronted with the truth and you can not do that without setting him up as if he is meeting a woman off the internet if you just confront him at home he may lie and say he never met them this way if you actually shows up then you know he has done this before.

Afterwards if you want him to leave be very clear about what you want and what the next steps in your relationship will be and make sure your friends stays there with you in case things turn ugly, you will have a support system there already. Usually I don't believe the saying "Once a cheated always a cheater" but if they do it over and over again more than likely they will continue to have this behavior. Do what is best for you now!


KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
There is a problem though. We live in a rural area, and have only been in this area a few years. I have a disability, and I don't work because of that disability, all my friends live 200 miles away,(they are from where I used to live). Because I stay at home, I haven't made any friends.
There aren't any cabs here either.
I should also add that when we first met, he admitted to being a "player". That was ok with me at first because, first I didn't have a disability, and second, I was seeing other people as well. But once we started getting serious and I moved in with him, I stopped seeing the other men, and he "said" and "promised me" that he stopped seeing all the other women. He told me that I was his one and only and that he would never hurt me.
Once, about 2 years ago and then about a year ago during a conversation, I nonchalantly asked him if he'd stop seeing these other women, he said that he hadn't been with anyone else but me for over a year, that was said both times. He also tells the other women that "she (meaning me)knows all about his seeing other women, and it bothers her (me), but she lives with it. He tells me that I knew how he was, and that's how it is.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



Even though you knew how he was he promised to change for you and the fact that he hasn't shows that he doesn't respect you or himself he continually talks to other females online and disrespects you constantly without even giving a thought to your feelings is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Life is was too short to live it for other people; you have to start to think about your happiness now. Do you have family you can move in with? I think you should still print out the correspondences with other females and about the meetings and show those to him and then you have to make up your mind as to whether you deserve more. Don't settle because you have a disability he could make the disability worse because stresses tend to make illnesses worse instead of better. You need to be with family or friends that will care for you and respect you enough to consider your feelings?

Your live in boyfriend is only thinking about himself right now and his needs and yearnings without even giving you a second thought, if he really cared about you he would tell these other females about you and be honest with them about living with you and then allow them to make the decision as to whether they still want to meet. It seems his deception and lies have become common place for him now and so easy for him to do without even thinking about the consequences of his actions, that is what a player is someone who only cares about self and tells women what they want to hear in order to get them.

The final decision is yours to make but you really have to consider if your boyfriend is a positive or a negative in your life. Don't stay because you feel stuck you have family and friends that will help you, you need to show him that you know what he is doing and either give him an ultimatum to clean up his act or you will be leaving and if he doesn't pick the ultimatum than you will have to make arrangements to leave the relationship for your healthy as well as your mental well being.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Thank you,
You just verified what I'd been thinking about doing.
Hearing (or in this case, "seeing")from a professional is what I needed.
Thank you
very good advice, although, being on a fixed income, I can't afford a bonus for you, could barely afford the 9.00 that I paid.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

Thank you for your accept and I don't need a bonus just my being able to help is enough for me. Could you leave feedback as to my performance just click the feedback button it is free and no charge.

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