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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hi... a few months ago my chiropractor came out to me.. i

Customer Question

Hi... a few months ago a friend came out to me.. i was under the impression he was just getting a divorce, so since i have been seeing him for a couple of years i tell him everything going on in my life. he knew all my 'stuff' b/4 coming out to me.. yet. now we are really close.. we have slept together and i am concerned that he is confused or bi.. do married man, who are gay, or think they're gay do this? he once said to me i think i am bi.. anothe rtime he said i think i am either bi, confused, gay i don't know waht i am... but after a few months of friendship he kissed me and the rest is history. please can you give some kind of advice. thank you. we are both in our 40's me 42 he 46.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

I'm not sure I understand your question. Is he still married?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: getting divorced...
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

I know you seem a little confused, but can you rephrase your question so I know exactly what you're asking? Are you asking if he's gay? You did say that he came out to you. Are you asking why he's not getting divorced? have you asked him? Let me know, the more info you give me, the better I can help. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: hi... yes he told me he was/gay... yet we are sleeping together.. he is getting divorced. his ex/soon to be ex seemed to be un responsive in the 'sex' dept. and she always put him down be littled him insulted his ability to provide for the family, told him he was 'small' down there.. actually he is totally fine down there! he calls me wants to hang out.. says i am 'amazing' in bed' he said it 's surreal, courious and he can't get enough of me (being together, sleeping together etc..) so.. i don't know if he is gay, straight.. gay is this normal for men who think/say they're gay to have sex with women.. and keep coming back for it? i know there are men out there who love to have 'gay' sex and consider themselves straight... b/c of the sensation.. he likes it...'the 'gay' sex thing.. so... i am confused and yes, i am being careful.. don't worry aobut the condom thing.. i am very careful..

thanks susan
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

I am really sorry that I keep coming back to you with questions, I want to help you, but it's important that I am very clear on the situation, so that I do not give you wrong information. All of this time, I thought you were a man and that your male friend came out to you and that you were a man sleeping with a man.

Now that you've signed susan, am I to understand that you are a woman? and that the married man you are involved with is also sleeping with men? and you want to know if it's normal for a man who has expressed doubts about his sexuality able to sleep with a woman, and if he is gay or bi?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: hi chase.. yes, i am female.. he is male we are friends.. we sleep together, he says he is gay.. goes to gay things.. but never has a good time.. always finds something 'wrong' with the evening when he attends the event or party or weekend away with other gay men.. then after he returns, ususally on the way home he calls me sometimes more than once.. then e mails me says things he loves spending time with me.. and that when he was with me i react to him like no other woman has.. wants to go away for a weekend with me, be naked together loves how soft iam hand how beautiful i am is this normal for a self-proclaimed gay man who has had a few male encounters, sleep with a woman and keeps going back her...wantng to see me.. he is getting a divorce b/c of the 'gay' thing.. but says he could not get erect with wife, but with me.. he just can't get enough.. says he loves me..
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Susan,

This is a scary and highly emotional situation for you I'm sure. There is a big question mark about the whole "bi" scene, many gay people believe there's no such thing, either you are gay or you are straight, while at the same time many 'bi' people use the title to their advantage, never having to make an excuse for their behavior. There are also many bi people who live fulfilling lives being with who they want to be with, male or female, while others think this is how all people are naturally made to be. Whatever your ideal of what it is, or should be, has to come from inside of you, and how you feel about it as a whole. Your relationship with him, is what you make of it, but you have to look at all aspects of it. Ask yourself these questions

Where do I ultimately want the relationship to go?

If you are looking for a long term relationship with him, or feel that you are in love with him, then you have to express that to him, and be very clear about your hopes for the relationship, and ask him to be just as candid about how he feels the relationship will develop.

If you are looking for a long term relationship or a committed relationship, chances are, he may not be able to offer that to you. You'll have to communicate with him and ask him to be as dead honest as possible. If you are ok romantically involved with a bi man, then that is your choice, no one can make it for you. He has to decide if he is bi, or gay, no one else can make that determination but him. The fact that he says he never has a good time at these gay things means nothing because he may just be underplaying it to not hurt your feelings or out of his own inner guilt. " do it, but I hate it" sort of thing. Then why do it, right? I know you said you are using condoms, but it's important to know what safety measures he uses when he goes to these gay things, and it's also important to know what his sexual role is. Does he give blow jobs, or get them? Is he the guy on top, or the guy on bottom (taking vs receiving). There are a lot of things that can be passed through the mouth, and so he has to be very careful when he's playing both sides of the field. You'll need to ask him these things, even if it's uncomfortable, because ultimately, you want to protect yourself. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: hi...thanks... but answers to questions.. he receives, i really believe he hates his time when he is at these 'gay' things...he usually calls me while he is driving home and or when he gets home to come to meet up with him. this past sunday, he called me at 2pm, wanted to hang out b4 he went to this gay dad's bbq thing at 5pm. iwas not around, i called back, we spoke for a while and he told me he was going to this bbq. he stayed about 2 hours and on his way home he called my cel phone left two messages. then called me on my house phone and reached me there. he wanted me to meet up with him sunday evening to hang out. icould not b/c i have two young kids and it did not work out, but we met up monday morning at about 8 am for about an hour for breakfast... we held hands in the coffee shop and talked about various things.. we've planned a weekend get a way he is excited. the first thing he said to me on monday morning is i hate waking up alone i want to wake up with you. and i am not helping him with this 'gay thing' b/c he said i am amazing and beautiful and he's never been with a woman like me ever. he said he's never been with a woman who reacts like i do when we are 'together' it is really amazing as he puts it. he says he loves our time together. during july 4th... he was away with 'friends' but bought a card for me there.. it was a 'romantic type card' so he was thinking about me when he was with his gay friends.. apparently his wife is putting him through hell with the divorce. he was in a really bad mood today after some meeting he has with his lawyer... we spoke for a while and he said there are not words, food work out etcc..that will help him when he's in a mood like this... i shot him an e mail b/c i am truly concerned about him and his 'welbeing. he said he is depressed. we are getting together tonight.. which he has his 'gay dads support group meeting' he said that he is getting kind of sick of the guys there...and wants to hang out with me. i truly love him.. and i tellhim this.. he says he loves me too...when i went for an adjustment monday morning after we had breakfast.. i went to a dr. apt. and then came by for an adjustment..went into a room and he just could not keep his hands off of me we made out and hugged and he rubbed himself on me and touched my legs 'in a sexual way'   we both got ourselves hot.. he then text me later saying tahnsk for the sweet hugs and kisses and are we on for sure wednesday.. i replied yes... so..that is waht is going on.. i hope this gives you some insight.. he says his wife never reacted tohim like i do.. he could hardly get a excited iwth her... he constntly talks about her an dher family in a negative way..but i understand he has been with her for 23 years.. that is half his life.. i explained to'a probably PTSD or something.. thanks. susan.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
HelloCustomer I apologize for the delay, I had not relieved info that you had posted. Basically, if he hated his time at these things, then why does he go? There's something he gets out of it for him to keep going back. Nobody does anything without some sort of return, even people who give a gift, enjoy the other persons pleasure. o the question would be, why not stop going if you hate them? The only logical answer is he doesn't hate them.

I'm also concerned because as your chiropractor, he shouldn't be involved with a patient. I'm not sure why I just realized that you are his patient because you said that earlier. He could have issues with sex addiction. I wouldn't be so quick to think of his wife in a negative light, because there are of course two sides to every story.

It seems that you like him a lot and care for him, so it's really up to you if you want to take a chance on him, and see how things work out. The fact that he is totally open about what's going on his life is a plus. Perhaps he's just never had someone who would be there for him, knowing everything you do, and still want to love him and be in his corner. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you are looking out for yourself and not settling or putting up with anything that harms you, emotionally, physically and mentally. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
hi.. thank you for being so honest. in one of the responces you gave, you said he 'downplays' the going to the 'gay things' always saying that all the guys there were ugly, once he went out to an nyc leather festival for gays...he came back saying there were nothing but old discusting guys there.. he does not ever want to be associated with them..over the july 4th weekend he went to a gay area at the shore where there is a very dense population of gay men.. he came back sunday in the morning and...while on his way he calls me wants to hang out..he then proceeds to say how the guys are boring have no goals, very simple.. nothing nice at all is said. and when he was there at the shore, he buys a romantic card for me.. this weekend he went to a gay bar and then calls me on my cel phone b/c he wanted me to sleepover. two weeks ago he calls me after going to a gay dad's bbq. stayed a little over an hour and called me 3 times on my cel phone and then finally reached me at my home number. but i could not meet him it was getting late and i have two young boys. so we met monday mornign early had coffee in a shoppe in town and he held my hand. when we have sex he tells me that he has never been with a woman like me before. i apparently make 'sexy' noises as he refers to it and it is a big turn on. he said while we have sex that i am beautiful, he loves my body. he said we go good together. meaning our parts fit well and we have rhythem gotether and we are good. he likes haveing sex with me. but also men too. i asked him to be honest and asked him when was the last time he had sex with a guy.. it was three months ago. i do consider him my friend. i do care about him. i do bring him food and such b/c he is nothing but skin and bones b/c of all the stress that incurs with a divorce. what do you feel he is? he said once he might be bi, but leaning more toward the gay side of bi. he said his wife never did any of the things i do he has never had a reaction from a woman like i react to him when he touches me and when we have sex. i have known him for 3 years and i knew of him 3 years b/4 i met him as a paient. his kids paly with mine we go to the same synagogue. we live in the same town. so, i ask you and i have no experience with this does this exist anywhere else? i can't find anything on the internet relating to my situation a 'gay' man is dating a straight woman. he said i am not a fag hag they are fat and you have an athletic fit body, i wear a size 2 and 5 foot 2 inches tall. so that is strange he said that. so if you have any advice, please get back to me.. i am really ripping myself appart. i can't sleep or eat. thank you again, susan