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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Should I leave him

Customer Question

He is a porn addiclt. He looks at straight porn, gay porn, he chats with men and women online. He emails women with sexual content. But he swears he loves only me. He thinks cause he is a grown man who treats me nice and that he has been to Iraq twice that the world owes him a favor and he can do what he wants. I want to help our marriage but hell i dont even know if he is straight or gay at this point. From all outward appearances he treats me like a queen. But he has no idea half of what I know that he does
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

How do you know that he chats with men and women online? that he looks at gay porn?

What is the nature of his chats with the men?

Have you dicussed any of this with him?

Any other relationship problems?

How long have you been married?

What are your ages?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Married 1 year..together 2 years. He is 37 and I am 33. When I accidentally stumbled upon some of the porn I installed remote spy software on his computer. (I know thats bad) Im not sure of the nature of the chats as in..I have not read them. But the rooms he has been to are gay. 99% of the porn he looks at are straight. I have seen where he emailed one of his teachers who is old enough to be my mom. And also an ex girlfriend from years ago. No other problems. I have talked to him about it and come out and asked if he was gay and said no and if he wanted another woman and he swears I am his whole world...very confusing. And I am (not conceited) but very attractive and take care of myself and have offered to do whatever to please him sexually so I just dont understand
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Thank you for that additional info. I'm one that believes in checking things out. If you think your spouse is cheating, you should do anything in your power (within reason, and legal confines) to find out if it's true. Had you installed the software and in a few weeks found nothing, then it should be removed. Without more info on what was said in these emails, or even in the chats, it would be hard for me to say what's going on.

If you are able to read the chats, then do so, especially the ones with men.

Was the email to his teacher sexual? or coming on to her?

Was the email to his ex something to be worried about?

Where are these rooms, and how do you know they are gay?

You say 99% of the porn is straight, which is about right, even for a straight man. Here's why....when people peruse porn sites, many times windows will open automatically, or they will click on a picture that they thought was one thing, and it turns out to be another. So 1% for error is about right.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
He is army and we both have access online to AKO which is where the one site is that is a known gay chatroom. A few months back I found an additional aol username that he had deleted that was a gay profile he had made. The email to his teacher was not so much a come on but was very inappropriate. The email to his ex was asking if when she had moved to waco texas years ago if she was seeing someone. Before my husband and I met years ago his affair with her ended her marriage. I dont think he wants her. I just think he wants attention from anyone he can get it from. I have huge questions about his motives and his sexuality. I just wonder if he is an addict. But at the same time he (other than what I have stated) is so good to me and a very sweet man and a good husband. His antics though are stressing me out so much though that it is making me physically sick. I cannot even concentrate at work anymore for worrying about what he is doing online while I am at work...
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

It does seem from your info that he is indulging in attention-seeking behaviors. It may be time to 'lay it on the line' so to speak. Print out everything you can as proof that you know what's going on, particularly about the gay issues. You can do this now, or wait a while to see if anything else happens. Since it's making you so sick, I don't know if it's a good idea to wait at all. My theory is that he will say he went into the chat room by mistake, or just out of curiosity. If you can get a list of times that he went in or perhaps a gay conversation that would tell you definitely what his motives are, that would be best, XXXXX XXXXX I say you may want to wait and see if it transpires. As for the ex and the teacher, he will say it was harmless or make another excuse and you will be right back where you started, only now he will be more careful, because he'll know that you are watching him. Thats why I suggest waiting if you can for something more definitive. You never answered whether you were able to read any of the gay chats he had?

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Well I have logged in under his name before just to see what people would say and it is definately gay content. My brother is also gay and says that a straight man would NEVER do those things...but says he doesnt think the hubby is gay. So I think he may be just a sex addict or more likely an arrogant attention addict. I just need some help as to how to proceed. With him? or away from him?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Nursc,

Let me ask you another question, is the chat ALL gay males, or is it gay females too?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
ITS BOTH. He will chat and talk dirty to anyone who knows how to type.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

The reason I asked is because some straight men will go into a gay chat room so that they can hear lesbians talk. The thrill of hearing two women talk dirty to each other. It's a big complaint in some gay chat rooms that the men come in and impersonate gay men or gay women, just to see the chat.

There's no way, without actual proof to know about this gay thing. You could wait longer to see if anything else happens, you could have your brother create a screename and go on and try to engage him as a gay man and see if he goes for it. Some of the spy programs actually give you copies of the entire chat, and I thought that's what you had, and could see if he was having sexual chats with men.

You could be very right that he's got an issue with sex itself and needing attention. You have a choice, either wait a while longer to get more definitive 'dirt' on him, because what you have now can easily be dismissed or explained, or wait a while longer and see if he slips up with something major.

My biggest concern is if you think he is sleeping with other men, and the two of you are having unprotected sex, so you might want to think about that.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
no i dont think he is sleeping with other men. I have pretty much discontinued the subject of sex with him until I know more though. Cause I think if he had the chance he would engage with a man or woman. I just dont know if that leaves us a salvagable marriage.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
It really depends on how you feel. If you want to hang in there and see how it goes, if anything else turns up, etc. Some women if they even think their man would do something like that, its over. You have only a few choices

  • confront him with what you have
  • gather more evidence and then confront him
  • stay with him and deal with it
  • leave, and let the whole thing go

That's it, those are your choices. I can't tell you which one to make, I would only tell you what I might do in your situation. If I loved him, and had a hope of salvaging things, I would wait a while longer, let him relax, and see what pops up on the computer. If I honestly thought he would sleep with a man, I probably would let it go, but that's me, I know women who have stayed, so it's a very personal choice.

I hope this helps, and I'm here any time you need to talk.


Remember to click the green accept button if I have been helpful, it's the only way I can get credit for my work with you. :)


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