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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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The wife of my boyfriend already knows that we were ...

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The wife of my boyfriend already knows that we were together--we have a child, but she talked him into coming back by guiliting him through their strange church. He is torn between obligation to their chidren, and being happy with me and out daughter. We stayed apart for a year, and have now been back together for the past year and a half. I am tired of her thinking that she has gotten him to be with her. How can I let her know that he is woth someone else, without actually doing it myself. He would never forgive me if I told, but I want her to know.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-Who is he living with now you or the wife?

-Who does he say he wants to be with?

-What religion are they if I may ask?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Hello,
He is 49, and I am 32, we have been together for four years. He is in a very strict Baptist church. He moved out in 2006, but went back to her after strict church counseling. He has been there ever since. We have a two year old daughter. Often we go out of town to be together with her, as his wife requires him to bring a church rep. with him if he want to visit her here. He says he wants to be with me all the time, but that he can't hurt his kids. She put them up to drawinf pictures for him about how the Holy Spirit would forgive him if he came back home etc... He loves kids so much that he can't bear to hurt them. He and I were engaged and planning to be married, and he served her with divorce papers, but she is very manipulative. He even said that he thinks he is emotionally abused by her.
Now after heavy counseling, he hesitates to say anything negative about her, but yet, he tells me how he just longs to get away.
I've been around men who just want flings, but he is not that way. People say that affairs are fun because they are exciting, but neither on of us think that, but it is like he thinks that he has no other options. I guess it is childish for me to want her to know, but I think he is waiting for someone besides him to be the bad guy and make a decision. I want her to kick him out. I guess that is pretty immature in many ways.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



It has to be his choice to tell her and if you were the one to tell her he still may not leave her and he will resent you for telling because he asked you not to, she can make it very difficult for him to see his daughter is she finds out that he is still in love and seeing you do you want that to happen to him. If you love him you will allow him to handle things on his own without interfering show him that you are in it for the long haul and support him if you tell his wife now it will only make his life more miserable than it already is, do you want that for the man you love? You have to be patient and realize that there are many people's lives at stake right now and telling his wife will only make the pain that much more and it may backfire on you and you may lose him for good.

You have to be VERY careful as to how you handle this you don't want to be the reason he loses his children and his faith. If it were meant to be between the two of you then it will happen you don't want to get him the same way his wife got him back do you? He has to make that decision about telling his wife and if he truly loves you he will do it soon but what if because of his faith he never leaves? You could write an anonymous letter but he could find out who wrote it or even realize that you wrote it also the wife will know that it is you that wrote it because he cheated with you and had a child.

It is really up to you to realize when enough is enough and give him an ultimatum but that wouldn't make the situation any better than the one he is in now. I don't think it is only the wife and children keeping him there it is also his faith, he knows that committing adultery is the ultimate sin in the eyes of God because when he got married he was suppose to forsake all others and he may feel that he hasn't held up his end of the bargain and also going to church and hearing the clergyman speak about sins could be making him stay out of guilt. Ask him to talk to the wife and finally tell her the truth don't become another version of his wife and try me to win him back with deception show him that you are the better woman for him by allowing him to handle his marriage and get closure on his own. Be willing to wait as long as it takes for him to final be yours because if you do not do that and you push him to you it may make him go back and fourth between the two of you and you want him to be totally yours when that time comes. If you have anything to add click reply.

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