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Mandy, Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 305
Experience:  Practical Guidance in Love and Relationships. Training in Youth Suicide Prevention.
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ok, so my boyfrind and his best friend got in a ...

Customer Question

ok, so my boyfrind and his best friend got in a fight(verbal). My bf was defending me. his friend was drunk and waaay out of line . after his friend threw a lighter at my bfs head, he gets out of the car and throws a cheap shot at my bf. hit him in the nose and maybe broke it. i said shut the door, he did and i sped off. at the end of the street, stop sign i stopped, burst into tears. something must have triggered] bc then my bf got out of the car or was, i held his shirt saying dont.he said let go and started getting out. i held his arm with both hands and appearantly let go of the brake.... he swung at me trying to get my hands off. and it was totally legimate.the resoning.he got out and said my best friend just hit me!slammed the door.came back within 10 seconds.see if i was ok, no bruise but hard enough. he did not go back to fight his friend,i said it was over, he says hes sorry a million times crying and he understands if i want to end it.anyhow, never been violent at all.watnow
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mandy replied 9 years ago.

Whether or not you should stay in this relationship depends on how you feel and your boyfriend's ability to manage his anger in a more suitable way.

Look at your situation and ask yourself if you are willing to settle for this. Be honest with yourself about what happened -- is it possible for your boyfriend to change and are you willing to work through this, or would it be in your best interest to leave the relationship in the past and move on?

The first step is to put your feelings in perspective and talk through what went on and what needs to change in order for you to feel safe in this relationship. Make an agreement about what you expect from the relationship. You should tell your boyfriend that although his intentions in defending you against his friend were good, you got hurt in the process and that is not acceptable.

Anger is a healthy emotion, but when it becomes uncontrolled and violent it can cause problems. There are choices as to how to deal with anger. In any situation, your boyfriend has the ability to control his feelings and deal with them in a way that no one gets hurt. If you ever feel that your boyfriend could become violent towards you, do not feel guilty to walk away from the relationship.

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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Im only 19 and this is my first relationship. I have talked with him and told him i need space. he hurt me emotionally and physically. both of us never thought that would happen. the thing is i would have never settled for this before, but it just happened to be the whole situation...i know it was hard for him. i told him he has to rebuild that trust and if that means i want to try again, its going to be hard and it will be different. ive also talked to him on the phone&hes hung up on me and said have a nice life. icalled back, said that was what i meant by actions need to change.think i got my point through. Ive already gave him more patience then he deserves. But it has been a year. If i were to give him a second shot, i would not tolerate him saying i cant do this and trying to walk out again. it would be over. is that ok to do?
Expert:  Mandy replied 9 years ago.

Every relationship teaches you something and helps you to grow as an individual. It is natural for a relationship to have its share of problems; sometimes things can be resolved and sometimes it is best to go your separate ways.

While trust might be an issue at the most, it is not an impossible obstacle to overcome when two people really care for one another.

"If I were to give him a second shot, I would not tolerate him saying I can't do this and trying to walk out again. it would be over, is that ok to do?" It is great that you put limits in place in your relationship, there would be no reason for him to change if you had not made the decision to do so. However, if one year has gone by and he has still not changed his behavior, then that simply means that the problems you have are not resolved and still linger. It's easy to say that you can change, but unless his perspective about things have totally changed or you have reached a compromise, the problems you have in the relationship will keep coming back.

What type of relationship do you have? A relationship is based on the needs of two people. A good relationship has respect, honesty, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, communication, sincerity and genuine love. You should be able express your concerns and emotions to the other person in a good relationship. You might disagree or argue sometimes, but you should be able to communicate and reach a compromise. Bad relationships have the opposite traits of a good relationship and make you feel bad about yourself and are chronically lacking in what one or both partners need. There is little common ground, no significant communication and almost no enjoyment of each other.

If someone treats you badly then they are not a suitable partner. Remember that you always deserve to be in a relationship where the other person respects your feelings and treats you well. Do not stay in a bad relationship with the false hope that your boyfriend will change. If you feel that you have given this relationship all you have and are not getting the same in return or you feel unsafe in the relationship then it would be best to leave the relationship.

If you decide that you want to give your relationship one last chance you both need to acknowledge the mistakes of the past that caused your problems and learn from them. Find ways of resolving your issues; talk through the issues that are causing your uncertainty in this relationship and what needs to change to make the relationship work. It's perfectly reasonable for a couple to get back together if they both change and once again become compatible.

It really seems like your boyfriend is content with the way things are now, otherwise he would have changed. You are not getting what you want from this relationship and you have a choice. You need to talk with your boyfriend and come to a more final decision about the status of your relationship. If he wants a committed relationship with you he is going to have to change his behavior NOW, plain and simple. Put your limits in place and follow through on them.

There is nothing more you can do except to choose a direction that is more emotionally satisfying. You may walk away from this relationship with clearer ideas of what sort of qualities you want or don't want in a partner. You might want to continue the relationship and work out your problems, maintain a friendship or even continue taking some time off from the relationship (because an entire year has already passed, I would not suggest this course of action for you). Whatever you decide, remember to always trust your instincts and do what is best for you.

Expert:  Mandy replied 9 years ago.

Should you have any additional questions, please feel free to ask! :o)

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