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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My hubby & I will be celebrating our 2 yr. anniversary this

Resolved Question:

My hubby & I will be celebrating our 2 yr. anniversary this Aug. (1st marriage for both - I'm 36, he's 42). I feel that I have truly found my soulmate, & vice-versa...we have our tiny spats every now & then, & very rarely have huge blow-ups. My one issue is that he's OCD with having household items "out of sight"...he doesn't put things where they go, he shoves them in the closest drawer he can find, or worse yet - THROWS IT AWAY! I am sooo tired of replacing thrown away charger cords/cups/food, or spending 1/2 the day looking & hoping he hasn't thrown it away. Ex.: I got lucky the other week & looked in the outside trash & found 3 UNOPENED cans of paint & 6 paint brushes/roller pads still in their wrappers to paint my office; these things were in the shed, not in the house. His excuse is always the same- "I don't know". I'm NOT a slob/pack rat, & our home IS NOT cluttered w/useless junk. I'm tired of losing my temper; he knows how this hurts me but continues to do it any way. HELP!
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Steph,

Has he been to any type of counseling?

Has he always done this or did it start at one point?

Has he been diagnosed with ocd or you just consider it ocd-ish behavior?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hi Chase! He has not been to any type of counseling, and until today when I couldn't find the charger cord to the flashlight, I hadn't considered it.
I jokingly tease him about being OCD, and he agrees, but I think it's more of a "control issue" in the back of his brain. He also seems to have a bit of ADD, but that's a whole other issue.
Thursday when I couldn't find my large blue plastic cups I finally got him to admit that he'd thrown them out, and I just feel like I can't get him to understand that just because he doesn't use something doesn't mean that I don't, and that it hurts my feelings because I feel like I'm just a "visitor" in our home and that what I think/use/want-to-hang-onto isn't important. And he seems to acknowledge this and apologizes, but a week or two later he's at it again. I feel so stupid for getting angry over "blue plastic cups"!
And it's not just throwing things away...he gives really expensive things away also. For instance, when we were going to pre-marriage counseling w/our pastor before the wedding, Paul gave him (pastor) a VERY old, VERY expensive rare Christian relic as a gift - I thought that was a little much. And then on vacation in Jamaica this past January, Paul befriended a 70-ish groundskeeper and on the day we left Paul gave him his brand new iPod, which wouldn't have been a huge deal except we had to turn around and buy a new iPod last month.
I seriously don't know what do do...and Paul is a bit sensitive so I wonder if suggesting counseling would have him thinking negative thoughts about our marriage. He leaving on business tomorrow for a week and I've seriously considered "throwing away" some of his possessions...not REALLY throwing them away, but hiding them for a while to maybe get my point across, but then again that just seems spiteful...
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I should add that he's always been this way; even though I've only known him for 3+ years, his family/friends agree with me that he does that. For instance, before we were together a friend of his was staying with Paul for a few weeks...this particular friend is very lazy, but Paul got tired of being the one who had to constantly clean the dirty dishes. To make a point he bagged up every dish/pot/utensil in the kitchen and threw them out. What sense did that make?! He just had to go out and replace everything?! I would have just thrown the friend out... :)
I love him truly, and if that's the only fault I can find that irritates me then maybe it's not all that bad, BUT especially with todays economy I don't want to waste any extra cash on replacing these items. I called him earlier, he admitted that he threw awat the charger cord for the flashlight so now I have to buy a whole new flashlight!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Hello Steph,

Wow, throwing away the cord to the flashlight really got me, I can imagine how frustrating it might be. I think that since he made a point to his friend about tossing all of the dishes out, maybe doing what you suggested about putting up some of his things and letting him think you tossed them out, might be a good idea. It would put the mirror in front of him, so to speak.

With that being said, he probably should be seen. If he knows that he has a problem and that he can't help doing these things then the next obvious step should be, maybe I should see someone about this. It shouldn't reflect negatively on your marriage, in fact, what will you do if you have to endure another 10 years of this? What will you do when you have a child and he throws away a favorite toy? My daughter cried every night for a month when she lost her 'teddy'.

His giving things away is probably related, but is attached to the fact that he's not placing a lot of value on 'things', which most would see as a good thing. It's the tossing of things you need that is actually 'wasteful' and you might want to put it to him that way (if you haven't already). I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

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