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I just had a question...
I just had a question and answer session with a relationship expert (Ms Chase).   Her response was very positive, but I would like to have one other expert view our session and respond back to me with their advice.   May I copy and paste my session with Ms Chase so someone else can read it ?   Or is it possible that another expert see it on my account ? This is not a reflection on Ms. Chase's response.   But my need to have one more opinion.   My main question out of that session is "Should I tell my daughter that Nate is not welcome at our house any more ?"
Submitted: 9 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
6/10/2008
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. The other Experts and I are working on your answer.

Give me a second to read over your conversating and I will get back to you with my opinion. Thank you

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem.

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I'm not sure what kind of info you are requesting because your response said you are reading over my conversation with Ms Chase.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
Customer

I thought that you had talked to MsChase and I wanted to read your conversation with her so that I could get a better idea of what you talked to her about but I could not find the conversation could you possibly send it to me so that I can better help you with your question?

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Kimberly, based on your "info request" I do not see where you have asked for more information.   You state that you are reviewing my previous conversation and will get back to me.
Counselor: Ms Chase, Life Coach replied 9 years ago
Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hello Karen, Please hold on a moment while I bring Kim up to speed. She will be with you in a moment. Info request is what we use as opposed to using the answer button. We only use the answer button when we have an answer. Don't worry about the info request. Hold on for a few minutes, someone will be with you.

Chase

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Chat Currently Loading! We're sorry but you have been disconnected from this chat. Chat will resume momentarily



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Welcome to the Just Answer Chat Service!
I am 50 yrs old, divorced twice. I have raised 3 ...: I am 50 yrs old, divorced twice.   I have raised 3 wonderful daughters.   One has graduated from college and lives on her own.   Two are still in college and living at home during the summer.   I have been in a relationship with a man (Dave) for 2 1/2 yrs now.   I love him like no one else I''ve known. And, he does love me very much as well.    But we have had our challenges.   We both have a long past history with other people and our own children.   He has two good sons.   Dave and I commuted back and forth to each other''s home for 2 yrs and had planned on one of us renting our house and moving in together.   He was laid off from his job as a residential land developer, had to rent his house and moved in with me.   We have a good relationship. But since my two daughters now live there for the summer, he has made quite a few comments about them having friends over.   He can''t stand one guy and putting pressure on me about not wanting him coming around. I dont think it''s right.


Ms Chase: Hello, welcome to Just Answer, my name is Chase
Ms Chase: what can I call you?
Ms Chase: .hello? Customer hi Customer Karen
Ms Chase: .
Ms Chase: Hi Karen, may I ask you a couple of questions? Customer yes please
Ms Chase: When he was laid of, were you ready for him to move in'/
Ms Chase: ? Customer I wanted to live together, but I didn't want it to happen like that. So I suppose the answer is no
Ms Chase: Also, did you talk about the fact that your daughters come home for the summer? if so, what was his response?
Ms Chase: is he working now?
Ms Chase: . Customer well he know they have to live there, and he is pretty laid back about everything
Ms Chase: . Customer but mentioned that the boyfriends sleeping over wasnt going to work well with him Customer he hadnt worked for 6 months and just started a job
Ms Chase: Well, on one hand, it is your house, and your daughters, but on the other hand, by allowing him to move in with you, you changed the dynamics, and there should be some sort of compromise Customer My daughters have lived in our house for 15 years and I have been permissive with them having their friends come and go and spend the night without any big rules
Ms Chase: I'm not sure how you let the girls have friends over, if they come in the house and they are allowed anywhere in the house Customer but they were really good girls and have done excellent in school and they had jobs as well so I was lenient with some things
Ms Chase: maybe a compromise can be made where there can be certain times, or certain areas Customer they don't have a lot of friends......my 21 yr old has been with the same guy for 5 years
Ms Chase: and there's nothing wrong with being lenient with them if they are good girls Customer they go to the same college and he has been staying over at our house for a long time
Ms Chase: so are these their boyfriends that he is having a porblem with? Customer I think Dave mostly has a problem with my 19 yr old's guy friend, Nate. He can't stand him, and really no one else can either
Ms Chase: although things have been done a certain way for a long time, when you take on a partner, there may be things that have to be tweaked Customer just the one boyfriend, Nate. Customer I agree with what you are saying. And I have tried to compromise with Dave. I made a new rule, and told the girls before they came home from school. No visitors after 10:00 on week nights
Ms Chase: a litte compromise can go a long way. By the same token, I know you are feeling, this is my house, my rules, my daughters and that you know whats best Customer It really would work well with that one change. However, Dave doesnt want Nate to come over EVER
Ms Chase: and also probably a little resentful that he moved in because of losing his job
Ms Chase: well, then he's not compromising
Ms Chase: and thats not good either Customer My daughter's father does not like Nate either, and he and my daughter have had too many ups and downs but when Nate is at my house, he is always nice and doesnt do anything bad
Ms Chase: you have to explain to him that you are not just going to throw out rules, that you are willing to make helpful changes
Ms Chase: thats whats important, that they are respectful
This seems like more than a $9 Question. You should either finish in 1 Minutes or raise the Answer Value to $14.
Ms Chase: and its your daughters choice, we cannot make their choices for them Customer can I get a copy of this
Ms Chase: I think that if you are compromising, then you are doing the right thing
Ms Chase: yes, when we're done, you will be able to print it out
Ms Chase: and you can always go back to the question page and it will be there too Customer thank you so much
This Question has exceeded the time limit for a $9 Question. Please raise the Answer Value to $14 to continue this chat.
Ms Chase: if he is unwilling to accept your compromise then there's a problem



     
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago

 

Karen,

First may I call you Karen? I totally agree with what MsChase said about compromising, if you put demands on your daughters about their boyfriends and coming over then that may force them to sneak around and neither you nor your husband want that. You should explain that to your husband the fact of whether he would wnat them where you both could be there or if he wants them to sneak around and you know nothing that is going on in your daughter's lives. Also maybe you could sit your daughter's down one day and talk to them about what you expect out of them and how you expect their friends to act while they are in your household, tell them how proud you are about how hard they work in school and that you were blessed with daughters that did the right thing and behaved well. I can tell by what you said to MsChase that you care about your daughters and in that case probably have already told them how proud you are of them but they are at the age where they have to make their own mistakes and learn from them and hopefully Nate will be a passing phase but if he isn't then she has to learn that mistake on her own.

Ask your husband to compromise like MsChase said and also ask him to try and have a little more patience as far as Nate and the girl's friends are concerned. Even though your husband as lost his job try not to throw that up in his face and also he could be just stressing about the job situation try giving it some time and maybe if he can find a job things will get better. He is probably tired of being without work and sometimes when we stress out about other things we take it out on the people that are closet to us. The time limit of 10pm on weeknights was a great idea this way after that time you and your husband can have peace and quiet. Also talk to the daughters about maybe hanging out more outside of the house doing positive things this too will give you and your husband alone time. He could also have a problem with not being able to have alone time with you whereas he was use to having that before the girls come home for the summer.

Just be thankful that this matter isn't as serious as some families go through with their teen children. For the most part you both have done GREAT jobs with your children and should be commended for that we lose so many teens to parents that just don't care it's refreshing when you find parent that don't just stop parenting when their children turn 18. If you have any more questions or still need help MsChase and also myself with be glad to help you as long as you need us to.

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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Satisfied Customers: 750
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Kimberly, Dave and I are not married.   Also, my daughter's are 19 and 21 so I would not be concerned with them sneaking around. I have never thrown anything in Dave's face about his job.   In fact, I've been so supportive he really appreciates it.   Thanks for the compliments about the good job on raising the children.    I have other issues that I am dealing with mentally on my own.   Before I met Dave 2 1/2 yrs ago, he had an expensive Corvette. But he also had a decent income. Now that he has not worked in 6 months, has gone through the last of his savings, and has moved in with me, he refuses to sell the car and it is $900 a month !   I have brought this to his attention, but we don't argue or discuss it much, because I know it is so hard for him to get rid of that car. But he is barely contributing anything to the household. He has been getting unemployment, but I imagine that barely covers the Corvette payment.   The only thing I keep telling myself is "I love him and I have to accept some things if I want to be with him"   What do you think about that ?   Or maybe Ms Chase could answer since she is a relationship expert
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago

Karen,

If you would feel more comfortable with MsChase answering that would be fine with me she is our top relationship expert. The choice is up to you. I will answer just in case it will help you and I would also like to apologize for calling him your husband. It's unfair that you have to pay for all of the bills because all of his money goes to his Corvette. A Corvette would be okay to keep if he could afford it and pay the bills but that just isn't the case. It's understandable that you love him and want to be with him but right is right. If he doesn't want to lose the car then he has to make much more of an effort to find another job since the unemployment doesn't help you with the bills because the Corvette takes all of his money. Maybe you should show him the household budget so that he see what all you have to pay while he is paying for a car that he can not afford right now, maybe it will make him either try harder to find a job or lose the car.

Also $900 is alot to pay for a car when that money could go towards the bills and more. I understand he bought the car when he had a decent job but he no longer has that decent job so he has to make some sacrifices in order to help you so that all the bills do not fall on you. Love is an important part of a relationship but when you live together so is financially helping is important also to relieve the stresses of just one person having to carry that burden. Maybe if you explain that to him he can better understand what you are going through and what you expect from him. This is another compromise you both are going to have to come to in order for your household to run better. Relationships are about give and take and sometimes we have to sacrifice the things we enjoy the most in order to help financially within the household. I hope I've helped you in any way and if you would rather have MsChase answer also I totally understand MsChase is an excellent relationship expert.

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
No you answered fine.   I guess I'm going to have to prepare my words, and ask him for some time to talk more seriously about this.   It is difficult because he does not like talking about it.   He is a really sweet man, and he has felt so down about himself, I guess the car makes him feel ok.   He does have a new job.   He was trained to sell cars. Now he is gone 15 and 11 hrs a day including weekends.   That is another change I am dealing with.   But it is not paying (yet) well enough to afford the Vette payment and be responsible for other finances.   That is not all. He has had a boat for the 2 1/2 yrs I've been with him. He told me in the beginning that he wanted to sell it. He still owes $18,000 on it.   But he had it stored in a Boatel at the marina, and has never used it. Then he lost his job and stopped paying the marina.   He owes them $2700.   I really tried to help and he agreed to let me try and sell it on the internet.   Then we got a broker at the Marina who found a buyer. But they won't release the boat unless Dave pays the Boatel fees.   He can't do it. So he's got the boat payments and the Boatel charges and late fees are adding up.   But I can't talk to him about it because he doesnt know what to do, so he just lets it continue until "some day".   It stresses him out to talk about it and he'll just say "please don't bring that up". I know I will have to pay more for your time.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
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