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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My wife was married twice before, the second was an ...

Customer Question

My wife was married twice before, the second was an extremely abusive realtionship with her being the victim. The second husband caused us no end of grief until his daughters finally acted in such a way that he disowned them. My problem is that after 10 years I still have a hard time reconciling who my wife is now with the abused thrall she was for this creep. I am afraid I get very insecure over her and suffer a lot for it. What can I do?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Jim,

Are you saying you think she might go back to him?

or that she might go to someone who would do the same thing?

How is your relationship with her now?

What are your ages?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: No, she is with me and our realtionshiop is very strong. I doubt we will ever part. I love her dearly. I am 57, she is 46. My problem is that I hate the thought of the things she did, the degrading things that were done to her. I realize this is my problem, not hers, but I have such a hard time accepting that she let this go on because she is so independent and, as she admits, overcompensates with me by trying to show me she won't take any guff, even when it is the normal realtionship static.

Thank you so much this is very troubling.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Jim,

It is troubling, knowing that someone you loved was once in this situation, and if they are different now, you wonder, why weren't they different then? The fact is, people change and they learn from their mistakes. There was a reason that she was able to be taken advantage or at that time, maybe it was childhood troubles, or falling for the wrong man. The issue is, when a woman is in a relationship with an abuser, certain things happen that don't happen in a normal relationship. The abuser is adept at controlling people and being manipulative. He would have known what to do to keep her under control with fear and intimidation. There's really no explaining it, its something that if we could come up with the answer or the reasoning, we could probably make a fortune. All that is known is that it's very difficult for the woman to get out from under this type of person. She's very lucky to have done so, I would be very proud of her, and tell her so. Perhaps she does overcompensate, but you should also tell her you are not that other man, and being together so long, she should have enough trust in your where she no longer needs to do that. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.



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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Thank you. My problem is getting my head and heart to accept these truths. I hate that the woamn I love was drug through all of this. Like I said, this part is my problem tolearn to accept. Any suggestions?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Well Jim, the first thing is admiration, and recognizing that if she didn't come through that, she wouldn't be the woman she is today, she would probably be dead. Yes, she made bad choices, but we all do sometimes. I'm sure there are things in your past or in my past that we wouldn't be proud of, and what if she held onto something you did in the past? Would you want her to chew over it over and over again, or would you want her to be happy that you were able to get past it and live for what you have right now?

His loss was your gain, and you have a hand in making her the woman she is today, that at least is something take comfort in. If you want to talk more, let me know. I can tell this is bothering you, and it's not uncommon for me to talk with a client multiple times, so don't feel like you are being a bother.