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Mandy, Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 305
Experience:  Practical Guidance in Love and Relationships. Training in Youth Suicide Prevention.
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hi my name is XXXXX XXXXX was wondering if you could ...

Customer Question

hi my name is XXXXX XXXXX was wondering if you could possilbly be of help
i really need some
my girlfriend who i love so dearly so dearly broke up with me again i think for the final time . i care and love her so much but we were driving each other crazy.
she says she definitly wants to move on and i should let go its been so hard i cant sleep barely have an appetite and am crying all the time
i cant stop calling her i know she needs space .every time she broke up with i never gave it to her . it has been a stressful realationship
but i know if we both worked on it it could work i would love toi marry her
i am praying night and day for a miracle
she say maybe we could talk in three weeks to a month
in the mean time i am working on healing my self and getting to the of my problems but i miss her so much and i dream bad dreams now all the time
any way
if you have any input it would be very appreciated
thanx so much
sincerly from
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-How long have you been together?

-What kind of things do you fight about?

-Have you ever considered counseling for yourself?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: hi i gotta soon but can continue later
i am 37 she is 45
we have been together for 15 months\
we both see a therapist
she is always insanely jealous
which puuts alot of stress on me i alwys constantly reassure her
and let her know she is the only one for me
i used to smoke pot but have'nt for 2 months now i dont even drink any more at all
when we fight it usually be case she is being distant or annoyed and i get frustrated and instead of giving sp[ace when she is backing away i come in closer
it so hard i just want us to be happy
she told me her intuition now and her preist are teling her to be single itell we can both work on our issues and support each other
i am driving my self nut through all of this but in my heart
i know i want us to be togehter happily but dont know if it is possible
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

The best thing for both of you right now is to give each other the time you agreed on give her a month or so to clear her head and figure out what she wants and you take that month to work on you and maybe you both can talk about it later but I wouldn't just lose all contact with her if you have a computer write her an email maybe once a week saying that you love and was thinking about her and wanted to know how she was this way she is still getting her time and you won't be lost without her. That is a great idea to support each other this way you will still be in each others lives. Tell her how you feel about the future this way the card are on the table and she knows what you want and tell her you are willing to wait for her this way she will see that you think she is special and care alot about her.

If you keep coming in closer you are sure to push her away and possibly forever so you have to stop yourself when you get that urge maybe trying when you get that urge to write down what you want to say to her every time you get that urge that way you will have said what you felt but didn't push the issues. Seriously, she will respect the fact that you gave her space more than she would you intruding when she need time to herself. Show her that this time you are serious about what you say and this way she can get her trust for you and possibly give you another chance.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i just talked to her for an hur yesterday and she said she definitley wanted to move on it hurt me so much i dont what to do
she said she maybe would talk to in a month but would rather i let her go in mind
i feel if i let her go in my mind i might not want to go throght the chance of this pain again
i dont know if she ever wants to commit i really care for her and love her buit she doesnt think we are compatible
she says she misses me when i asked her and told her i miss her
i feel like crying all the time i find it unacceptable that she is doing this i sent her along email last night and keep saying that il stop caling or emailing i feell this situation is hopeless
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i just talked to her for an hur yesterday and she said she definitley wanted to move on it hurt me so much i dont what to do
she said she maybe would talk to in a month but would rather i let her go in mind
i feel if i let her go in my mind i might not want to go throght the chance of this pain again
i dont know if she ever wants to commit i really care for her and love her buit she doesnt think we are compatible
she says she misses me when i asked her and told her i miss her
i feel like crying all the time i find it unacceptable that she is doing this i sent her along email last night and keep saying that il stop caling or emailing i feell this situation is hopeless
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

If she says she wants to move on then you may have to let her do that is if you truly love her you want her to be happy whether it's with you or not that is what true love is. You really have to work on yourself and your feelings for her you may never stop loving her but you don't want her to be with you and not want to be with you, you want her to want to be with you and have true feelings for you, though it hurts alot you have to respect her wishes. Maybe writing her a goodbye email or letter will help you in some way find closure and try to move on but you have to give yourself time to heal from this relationship before you could possibly go into another relationship or else you will only carry the baggage from this relationship into another.

Give yourself time almost like a grieving period because losing the love of your life feels almost as if someone you loved died but you can work through this with the help of your therapist she can show you how to deal with you hurt and learn from it. You have to allow her to make up her own mind to whether she wants to be with you or not. Right now your hands are pretty much tied and you have to take this opportunity to work on yourself so that you can get over this hurt. Just give her the time she asked for and maybe if you can settle for being just friend you both can become good friends although it won't be a relationship you will still have her in your life but that is up to you and alot of people find it more hurtful to just be friends rather than lovers but it's possible to be friends with someone that you were in love with and be a good friend. Time will tell all just allow her that time.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
do you think if i abide by your first answer there might still be a chance. i so do not want ever to say good bye to her
i would anything for her to come around. i know if i am to needy it is not good
but please be honest
i sent her a email last night after i found a anniversary card from only 3 months ago saying that she loved me
it really is so hard to give her space
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

If you don't give her the space she asked for you might as well say it is a done deal not to get her back you have to abide by her wishes. If you do email her make it only once a week this way she will see that you are giving her the space she needs but still showing that you care for her and her well being. You will have to fight the urge to contact her other than the emails or else she may even start thinking you are a stalker and you do not want that. I don't think you are acting needy I think you just truly love her and she may not be showing you love back. She needs this time to figure out what she wants and you contacting her could be telling her that really don't want what is best for her so be very careful how you treat this situation.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i am trying i was still trying to contact her
we talked for a half hour today but she said she still wants her space its only been two weeks since we have seen each other
feels like eternity to me as we were talking i said i wanted to come up there so we could talk face to face but she thought there would be drama i promised
none but she didnt belive me she i answ)ered your call and now your asking for more which i was. i told her how i was working on my self going to eenrgy meditation classes every dday and seeing a therepaist once a week and was really trying to heal my self
i think now i should definitly back off i sent one final email after the conversation saying thanx and we will keep focusing on heling ourselves and get together when the time is right

but this sucks soooo much i want to see her so bad there is no else to tke her place for me
she knows i love her

now what ?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.


I think you should definitely try to see your therapist more often so that you have someone to talk to about this it's clear that she doesn't want any kind of contact right now and maybe you should allow it to be that way for now because it may make things worse maybe if she works on herself and realizes what she wants she can finally meet you and talk to you and give you the answer you so desperately need but until then she won't give you that so you have to give her that space and just try to work on you. Of course there won't be another person to take her place because the break up is new and she still has your heart and only time can heal that for you.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
how long should i wait to contact her again
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

I wouldn't contact her for about a week and also send her an email asking her when you can contact her if at all because it seems like the ball is in her court and she is making decision as far as contact. If you don't give her space she may not want to talk to you again so this is a touchy subject right now. You really don't want her to cut all ties with you altogether. You really have to figure out what you are going to occupy your time so that you aren't so consumed with thought of only her it isn't healthy for you and it may make things worse. You really have to give her space she sounds as though this is something she really needs. I would give her a week and then email her and if the response doesn't sound positive then maybe you should leave it alone for a while or else you may make her fed up with the situation all together.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i guess your right if i went up there to see her uninvited i would be forcing my presence on her
she is oing to this place called the center of light which is a cristian mystism place she now is going there almost every day i orginaly tok her there for something psitive to do sh now says the priest says fr her to stay single i also brougt her to a therapist to do cuples therapy but then se didnt want to do it only wanted to do private sessions . i am starting think maybe this is hopeless'
it sucks cause i really do love her and if she really gave her self to me i would marry her
but maybe i am just dreaminfg sigh
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

When you truly love someone you want them to be happy even when it isn't with you and if it were meant to be they will come back to you but that will not happen if you always force the issue. Tell her one final time that you love her and how you wanted to marry her and give her food for thought but after that I think for the best interest of both you, you should let it go for now. I know it hurts but just think she hasn't really closed the door so maybe later you have a chance if not at a relationship maybe a great friendship but you have to let it take it's course naturally.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i dont want a friendship that would be to painful
should i tell her i want to arry her face to face or on her voicemail!!
really want to go up there and see her so much i couldnt tell something like that over the phone and i think she knows that but mght not consider it nowcause i was driving her nuts
i know your not telling me to propose but just give her fod for thought   but wow i feeling going up there with flowers and letting her know but dont want drama
what if i showed up at her church with all the love in my heart!!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

Going up there now would not be a good idea she is really wanting time to herself without all the stress of a relationship. If you go there without her knowing she is going to think you're a stalker and you may frighten her, you don't want to push her completely away and no you should not tell her face to face I meant telling her how you truly feel that you loved her and wanted her to be your wife one day. You definitely should not go there ready to propose, that would be the worse way possible to scare her away not to mention the fact that yet again you did not respect her wishes to be left alone. You don't want to do anything that will make her get a restraining order against you. Just be careful not to push her into a corner you may come out hurting even more than you already are.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i guess you are right i need to be patient
but i wanrt to see her so much i was wondering if i went to f=her church service if shed feel violated she doesnt think i am a stalker
should i ust wait aweel to tell her on the phone i want to marry her one day or email or voice mail
wow just when i think i wll b totally ok not contacting for a week
i want to see her so much i miss seeing her face ust thinknig of it makes me want to cry
i am wondering if se really loves why does she want to aprat from me she say its only been two weeks and thats not that long but is so long dor me
i know i am being stubborn about your advice
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
do you think if i went up there therer might be any way to get a good reaction maybe to get her to open up her heart to me?
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
we havent talked since saturday we instant messaged on mon for a moment igave her some tips for a buisness she is starting
i said well talk when your ready she said(when i am ready thanx!!)
then she sent me an email thanking m for th tip

today i woke up really postive wanting share my god mood with her so much and the texted her to call she didnt then left two voice mails and a call
now i am fighting the urge to travel over an hour to show up on hr door uninvited with flowers to try to make things right

i know i asked before but what do you think now please let me know i love her soo much i am so sad with out her i am only happy for brief moments she truly has a big part of my heart
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



I don't want to sound like a broken record but she wants time she doesn't want surprise visits if you do that you are sure to lose her because she will see that you are not respecting her wishes. You say she won't think you are being a stalker but I assure you if you just show up after her not answering your calls you might frighten her but you should know her better than I. You don't seem to be doing well with this relationship vacation and I am starting to wonder if it is a vacation or if for her the relationship is over and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You really should wait for her to contact you since you tried to contact three different times and she still hasn't answered that means she is not ready to talk to you. I don't understand why you would want to show up at her place with flowers and drive all that way when she can't even answer your text or her phone, you need to email her and ask her if she does not want you to call her or text her right now, this is the only way you will find out what is going on with her.

She may also be really busy you said she was starting a business she could be busy with that. You need to wait for her and if you do she will see that you are at least trying to respect that she wants some time to herself. If you are satisfied with my answer please click the green accept button so that I can get paid for my answers to you.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i am trying to listen to her and to you and everyones advice and keep occupied but it is soo hard it is tearing me aprt i love her dearly and really want to know what she is thinking so much

DO YOU THINK THERE IS ANYTHING I CAn say in a message or do that would get her to respond and open up
i though of haveing flowers delivered but that might be stupid at this point she will only think i am being manipultive
i dont want to come to her so desparate ut i am its been 3 weeks already i dont want to lose her i care for her like no one else
if she could only put her trust issues aside she would know i am so sincere
any other advice would be appreciated
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



There really isn't anything you can do but give her time or you will jeopardize your relationship with her or lack there of. If you really feel like you need to contact her I would suggest you write it in an email or letter and send it to you, other than that there isn't really anything you can do to get her to change her mind. Explain to her that you want her to trust you and be able to talk to you about anything. Only time and her will tell if this relationship is salvageable or not. The ball is in her court right now.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
e once again how long do you sugggest i wait before attempting contact?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

I would say a week in between you last contact that is the best thikng to do but also you should prepare yourself for possibly never having her in your life again if that is what she chooses but contact her a week after your last contact so that you are seeming like a you are pestering her.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
wow i emailed her just now asking if she would be open for talking
to keep my self from going up ther uninvited
i am trying to deal with the fact that it might be over for good
but love her sooooo much i feel
i cant give up
i wish you had some other more positive advice for me?
are all women so compassionateless?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



I'm sorry if you think I'm being uncompassionate but I am trying to give you all the options and if you think it may be over for good then I just don't want you to be setting yourself up for a fall. Constantly contacting her and going to see her face to face isn't going to help. She asked you for space and I said that if you didn't give her that then she may reject you. If you do not like the advice I am giving you there are other experts I can ask to help you, just let me know what you want to do. I am here to help you as long as you need it and if you feel I am not helping you at all then let me know and I will ask another of our experts to help you?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
sure why not ill try some one else can ypu forward them our questions and answers
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

I sure can and Good luck to you!

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
will yu email me back
thanx for your patience my situatin just is soo hard for me
i am fighting every day not t go up to her door
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i was hoping some one could tell what to do i think i am going up top her house tommorow
i just cant take it any more this is killing me its tearing me apart so much i just to know from her mouth if she never ever wants to see me again or if i can see if ther is any hope cause i am so sad i cant hide it i love her so much
if you can make any suggestions as how to handle it when i go up ther it would be much appreciated
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
i went to her house we talk ed fr two hours i tried t let her know how much i love her and if we got back together it coud work
how we cud do things different she didnt believe e
i told her i would want to marry her we held hands and i gave her a small kiss
i sais id give her aweek witout calling her and then talk on sunday
i realy want to marry her but dont want to be heartbroken again \
i was thinking of getting an engagement ring to show her how serious i am
she says she says she really wamnts a realtonshi with god and that ses not sure if she wantsa realtion ship no]w

what to do
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
its been 2 months already ive left messages tried to call from other phones and she still wont answer my emails or calls i am wondering if i leave it alone completly for a month if ther will be a chance i really miss her
i sent a final email yesterday saying i was starting tio heal and i would resoect her time to heal
but i am so torn to try and call her but she thinks i am obsessed when i do that . this is so frustrating i wish we could just open uup communication
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
please answer my question
Expert:  Mandy replied 9 years ago.

With the time, effort, and emotion invested in a relationship, it is considerably difficult when someone asks for space in the relationship.

A relationship needs the love of two people, not just one. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love her, you can't convince her to be in a relationship with you. She may have to experience life without you for a while before that happens. Her saying that she needs space and that she is not sure if she wants to be in a realtionship now shows that she is not wanting to commit to a serious relationship. You both have to want the relationship. If either of you are not ready to go to that level, the best thing to do is continue giving her the space she needs so that she can come to terms with whatever it is that she is dealing with and when the moment is right for you both, everything will fall into place.

Don't force this relationship. Something in her life is making her need some time to herself. Trying to initiate contact (by any means) with her when she is wanting space will only make it worse and can actually set you back further. It is better that you not buy the engagement ring until after you talk with her.

If you are uncertain, ask her to clarify two things (otherwise you'll stay pretty much stuck in the same place and won't ever come to a more final term in your relationship): what the terms are for taking a break in the relationship (what form of contact is she comfortable with and how often--it should be fair to you both), and whether this is a temporary break in the relationship or if she wants it to be over. She knows that you love her and that you aren't going anywhere, but at the same time, you need her to be honest with you and let you know if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now. You want this relationship to work, but she has to want that to.

If after talking, she decides that it is best to end the relationship, you can only respect her feelings and accept that for what it is and move on. In any relationship, there is always the chance that there will be a reconcilliation, but you could be waiting for a long time and get your heart broken even more.

In the meantime, help yourself by doing a number of things. Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust helps them feel better. Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you're coping with your emotions, but it really helps. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about your relationship; you don't want to mask your emotions and not deal with them. Working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process; it just means you should focus on other things, too.

Sometimes people start to blame themselves for what has transpired. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they're experiencing. What happened in the relationship and what made her need her space is of no reflection on you, your desirability, or your worth.

You have lived the past couple months without her in your life and you are improving with each day. One thing you will notice when you truely begin to heal is that you realise that you are no longer thinking of her all the time, but when you do find yourself thinking about her, it doesn't make you feel sad, angry, hurt, bitter, etc. If thoughts can come and go freely without bringing you down, and you are able to remember the "good times" without them eliciting a painful emotional response, then you are most certainly on the right track.