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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My wife has a friend with whom she spends a great deal of ...

Resolved Question:

My wife has a friend with whom she spends a great deal of time. The friend is very generous. Last night, she gave my wife a vacuum cleaner. I felt that this type of gift is inappropriate, and raises questions concerning the giver and her attitude towards my wife and me.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.


How long has she known this person?

What are their ages and your age?

How do you feel it raises questions?

How long have you been married?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
My wife has known the woman for 8 years.   My wife is in her late 50's, the woman is around 45 and I am 69. It should be pointed out that the friend is an associate of my wife. I don't fraternize with the woman, but I have never complained about their friendship and encourage it.

The vacuum cleaner raises questions concerning the cleanliness of our home and how friends and neighbors might view the gift.

In other words, is a vacuum cleaner an appropriate gift, at any time. Would you give a friend a bottle of deodorant? Would a vacuum cleaner for a home be analogous to items related to personal hygiene.

Would a major appliance, so far as that goes, be an appropriate gift.

Also, I tend to be the housekeeper. I don't vacuum because most of the rooms have tile. I felt that such a present carries a personal comment.

We've been married 30 years.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Thank you for that additional info

Was it a new item or a used item (ex; something she was getting rid of)?

Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel? If so, what was her response?

Was the gift given in front of friends and neighbors?

Have they given each other gifts in the past?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
New. In the box. My wife heard me out, and agreed to return the gift. Obviously, there are misgivings. :) I have the problem as I am totally turned off by the gift-- but want to be fair. The gift may not have been given in the presence of friends, and/or neighbors but it will be a topic of discussion as the giver is involved with a variety of individuals in our HOA.

Yes, the woman gave us an automatic dust eater. I had misgivings about that also. Other than those two items, there have been no exchanges. Usually it's one way. Our neighbor has needs, my wife gives. (These requirements from my wife also seem over the top, but I don't want to interfere as my wife as an autonomous person and I respect her.)

My problem is objectivity. That's why I'm asking you.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Well, on one hand, women tend to give each other gifts like this without taking it personally. I was given a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, and didn't take it as a sign that my house wasn't clean, but by the same token, I had mentioned a few times that mine had died, so although it was unexpected, it was given with the knowledge that I actually needed it. However, I don't equate the vacuum cleaner with personal hygiene, unless there's a back story to go along with it, ie; she's made comments about dust in the house, or the floors not being clean, or the two of you are not on the best terms and you feel it might have been a dig towards you. I do find it interesting that she gave a vacuum cleaner and a dust eater, like there's some type of message there.

If your wife agreed to return the gift, it may be that she in some way sees your point. You are right in allowing her to have her friends and her space, many people disregard that to the detriment of the relationship.

I hope this helps. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more


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