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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my issue is that i cannot acheive orgasm and have not since ...

Customer Question

my issue is that i cannot acheive orgasm and have not since i was a child( at least i think i orgasmed). My mother beat me for humping the floor. For many years i suffered emotional abuse, she would always tell me i was fat ugly, stupid etc and prtty much any derroagtory term in the book.

Today i am 21 years old and i have a great deal of self confidence issues i am overwieght but i think i am gross because of it.

i lost my virginity at 17 years old and have been with 4 men in the past three years and not once have i had an orgasm. It has hindered past relationships.

I have a boyfriend now that i have been with for about a year and he is wonderful, i love him dearly and he goes to great lengths to make me happy. Whether i orgasm or not is not a huge issue for him. he is happy as long as i am.

Don''t get me wrong i do enjoy sex, i have a good sex drive and im good in bed (so i''ve been told) but i feel inadequate because i cannot reach climax, i get very well lubed during foreplay and sex just no orgasm.

plus i do not know what the key signs are for orgasm, and i am not sure how to acheive it. what mindset do i need to be in?

and what are some self help techniques that i can do to release some of the self loathing and performance anxiety that i have?

i am a college student therefore i do not have the money or health insurance to see a professional sex therapist at this time.

Are there any books, movies etc that you would highly recommend?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello bobbo

Have you ever used a vibrator?

Do you think your boyfriend would mind if you used one during sex?

Does your boyfriend help with your self confidence?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
yes i have a few vibes and i've tried using them during sex and whatnot. i do have some performance anxiety as well when it comes to sex.
i have tried masterbating alone again i cannot reach orgasm. i am not surei even know how to.

i do not know what mindset i need to be in really, i am always wondering am i getting close? etc i think i am also afraid to let go so i can achieve one. i think i have gotten close before but it gets so intense it kinda freaks me out so i stop.

what can i do to help myself? i am not even sure i know how to reach orgasm.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello bobbo,

Thank you for that additional info. I'm going to make a few suggestions and give you a couple of links and you can let me know if it helps.

The first thing to think of is that you are attractive....and that you are not gross. If you are unhappy with your weight, then you can try and do something about it, even if it means just walking more and making better food choices. You have had other boyfriends, and this one seems to love you very much, so that means that you are attractive to them, even if you are not feeling particularly attractive yourself.

When it comes to performance, most guys are just so happy to be having sex, they aren't using a scorecard. As you get more and more comfortable with your partner, you can try different things, he can learn what you like and you can learn what he likes and things can get better and better as you go along.

Many women cannot have an orgasm from penetration alone...they have to have clitoral stimulation, coupled with penetration, so you might want to consider starting there. Using the vibrator as your boyfriend penetrates you. I'm going to list some links below for you to go through. Don't feel freaked out, people have them all the time, they won't hurt you. Put yourself in a relaxed situation, soft music, soft lights, and it may even be better for you to try having an orgasm by yourself, so that you know what to expect and how it feels.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more


Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Bobbo,

Were you able to try any of the things I mentioned?