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Category: Relationship
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Thirty years ago I had a one night thing, it ...

Customer Question

Thirty years ago I had a one night thing, it was''nt even worth talking about,,,I had been drinking or I would have not sleep with this guy. I told my husband the truth after years of badgering, also I did want to repent my sin.....It has been about a year and a half since I confessed under much detress, he would not let up so I told him the truth...and the guy meant nothing to me I was 23 years old when it happened. I am know 55 years and I have been faith full for 30 plus years but he does not believe me, I have even taken a lie detector test he still does not believe it was only one person and after dealing with some scary things with him , such as pulling a gun on me, pointing a gun in his throat, hitting me in the head, trying to chocke me but not completeing the job....he is trying to work with the infedility but he is having a hard time with it,,,,he is depressed, looseing weight, drinking alot, and even though he told me he could work through it , I have heard something about.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  tcawlfield replied 9 years ago.

Thank you for your questionCustomer

This sounds like a very trying time for you. It seems as though there was some other information you were going to include at the very end. You were saying you've heard something about....

How can I help?

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Dr. Cawlfield's Post: I am so sick of talking about it and also him throwing it in my face, he acts like he was a saint and I know he was not, he tried to act like I was the only one doing wrong,,,,I know if I leave him he will not do well..How can I get him to deal with this and put it behind him...because I have been dealing with this a long time, I want my marriage to work, but I need to put this behind me and he is having a hard time doing it, he has had weight lose and is drinking more....
Expert:  tcawlfield replied 9 years ago.

Thank you for the additional informationCustomer

This is indeed a very difficult situation. I don't think that there are any right answers here. I can make a few suggestions based on what you have told me.

The threats and violence that you have described to me are very concerning. If your husband has tried to choke you before, you are the VICTIM of domestic violence. This is a serious issue as this puts your life in danger. It sounds like things have been okay so far, but if you're husband is drinking more and becoming more emotionally unstable, then this is not a safe situation for you.

The truth is that you cannot fix your husband's emotional wreckege. I know that this is difficult, because from what you have told me, you feel RESPONSIBLE for your husbands emotional state. The question you have to ask yourself, is "what more can I do?" My suggested answer would be nothing. You are not your husband, and only your husband can fix your husband.

I think for your sake and your husband's sake, you need to let go. Letting go does not mean you stop caring about him, but letting him learn from the natural consequences of his actions. It doesn't mean you stop caring ABOUT him, but you stop caring FOR him.

I guess what I'm saying is that in the interest of your safety, you should leave him. Maybe you can work things out with a professional marriage counselor. If your husband sees that you left, he will know that he has to take you very seriously. If you think he wouldn't do well, you need to let him know that you are still willing to work things out, but not until he stops drinking, gets rid of his guns, and gets some help with his anger.

I must state again, that I think you are in physical danger. My suggestion would be to call the local women's shelter, and ask their advice about how to separate with him. It would be best to do this while he wasn't home. It sounds like things could escalate to a very dangerous situation if he were home.

This is probably not the answer you were looking for, but I think this is the right thing to do. Let me know if you have any questions or need any clarification.