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what to do

My wife and I have...
My wife and I have been separated for a month today. We have been married for almost 2 years. She likes to go to a bar and play cards sometimes during the week. On 2/11 she when to play cards and I tried to call her a couple times and she didn''t answer the phone. I went to the bar and followed her and Tom to a gas station. I got out and asked her what she was doing and she said she was going to the strip club. I took her purse because I didn’t want her to spend our money there. She ends up staying out all night. She said she stayed with her friend Jenny. Later I found out that XXXXX XXXXXves there also. On 3/8 she went out with her friends and stayed out all night at Jenny and Tom’s again. On 3/10 and 3/12 she went to school. She gets out at 9pm. I called around then and she didn’t answer the phone till 12:30am. She said she was just driving around thinking about stuff. The same thing happened 3/13 but didn’t answer till 2:30am. I told her to leave 3/14 and she been staying with Jenny & Tom. I catch her and tom at the bar all over each other on 3/28. She said they are just friends but she admits to kissing him. We sat down and talked without fighting on 4/1. She said she is sorry and wants to be with me but she doesn’t want to come home. She said she needs time to figure out who she is. I don’t understand ether you love somebody and want to be with them or you don’t. What should I do?
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Answered in 12 minutes by:
4/4/2008
Lindie
Lindie, Parent
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,490
Experience: Parent/Step Mother: With 20+ years experience.
Verified

Sometimes things are not so cut and dry as what it appears they should be. So her feelings can be very normal in this situation. You don't mention your age, which I'm assuming you both may be young and I'm also assuming no children either. But either way, her behaviour is not what it should be with her being married. It's one thing to be going for a girls night out etc. But kissing another man is wrong.

She may be feeling pressures of life or she may be missing the party life. Either way you can't "force" her to do anything she doesn't want to do or force her into feeling a certain way. If you love her and think you want to be with her still, then give her X amount of time to figure it out. If she still can't figure it out by the deadline, then you need to make that choice so you are not wasting your life away waiting for her. If it means filing for divorce and getting on with your life then that is what you need to do. Or you can sit back and just wait. But in the end, you would be hurting yourself more.

You state you don't understand, as someone either loves someone or they don't. It doesn't have to be an issue of love.. she may just not be feeling complete. And feels as though she is missing out on "fun". And still loves you.

You should sit down and perhaps write her a letter with how you feel and what YOU want out of the marriage. That means if her going out doesn't feel right for you, then say it. But if you continue to let her go out and come when she wants, things won't change and she will continue as she is. And I don't think that is what you want. If you find out she wants something totally different than you, it's very possible you both may have to go your separate ways. If she is really wanting to work thing out. Perhaps you both can see a counselor together to work on a better marriage. But it has to be a two way street as it takes both to make it work. Not just one.

So let her know what is acceptable and do this with out arguing. That is why I suggest writing the letter.. That way you get everything out that you feel needs to be said. Then this gives her a chance to read the letter. And after you give her the letter, give her a few days to think about everything you wrote. And then meet somewhere to talk about it. A quit public place, which can help with nobody fighting. If she can't do as you wish or if you both can't find a middle ground, then it's best to know now, so you will know how to proceed with your life as well.

I hope this helps and gives you some thoughts to ponder. If you need anything else please feel free to ask. If you found this helpful don't forget to click the *ACCEPT* button and please take a moment to leave me *POSITIVE* feedback.

Lindie
Lindie, Parent
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,490
Experience: Parent/Step Mother: With 20+ years experience.
Verified
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Lindie
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Lindie, Parent
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,490
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Experience: Parent/Step Mother: With 20+ years experience.

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