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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have to choose between 2 women both of which i am married ...

Customer Question

I have to choose between 2 women both of which i am married to. One is Canadian Indian (Sikh). The other is Indian (Sikh). I live in the uk. I am Sikh. My first wife, i married in 2006. She moved to the uk to be with me and my family. She stayed for 4 months during which time we spent 20 days on honeymoon in Dubai and Hong Kong.

Lots of typical marital problems - living with parents, arguing, loss of freedom, jealousy etc - just small petty things. She returned to help her mother move out and then refused to return. After 3 months she was ready to return i said no, then i wanted her to come back she said no - this pattern went on for 14 months.

During these 14 months apart we would always talk almost everyday. I also went to canada to see her however some of her behaviour peturbed me and i found off putting in that she hadn't changed at all in all our time apart (career obsessed tried to get me to move to canada, would continually disrespect my family - although to a certain extent she had grounds to do this due to their interference).

The last straw was when i was ill and told het to come back and on short notice (i gave her a days warning) i booked a flight for her. I was praying she would catch it but she did not. It was a test and she failed and it broke my heart. I hen told my family to go ahead and say yes and book the tickets etc to fly out to india to marry another girl as i felt that this was the only way i could move on.

On the day we were about to fly out which was 2 days after my first wife decided not to catch the flight her mother phoned and said she would sent her back urgently so she could be there for my op but in the course of the comment the mother also raked up the past and said a flippant comment about my mother which enraged me so i decided to draw a line and marry the girl in girl in india.

However i am still deeply inlove with the first wife who i have not yet divorced and she says she is deeply in love with me. I cant quite get over the fact that i got myself into a situation where i couldnt say no to the family of the new girl (almost an arranged marraige situation)and that i stopped her mother from finally sending her back as i was angry over a stupid comment she made. I'm also angry that i didnt stand up to family who kept saying she's no good for you look how longs she's been gone just start fresh.

I'm collapsing under the pressure of what i've done and the repurcussions and i life of regret etc. I've had suicidal thoughts and havent got out of bed in 3 months. I also suffer from a bad back and have a bowel disorder - colitis! I made a lot of mistakes on my 1st wife and had the opportunity to make it up to her but didnt by marrying the new wife.

Do i go back to her and leave the new wife? I am torn as i am unhappy and risk wrecking the life of my innocent new bride and embarrasing her and her family and leaving her with a stigma etc. I talk to new wife everyday and if i had never met my first one i would be over the moon happy with her but i just cant get the first one out of my head along with the fact that i failed and couldnt make it work etc and also ultimately ruined her life. Her actions were so confusing to me she said she loved me to death but wouldnt leave work when i said i was gravely ill - she said she needed 2 weeks to sort things out and work her notice but when i told her i could have a operation and need her by my side shouldn't she have dropped everyting and come straight back? What do i do? Stick with new wife or bring old wife back.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Answered via Just Answer Chat.
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hi Ricky,

It seems as if our chat isn't working correctly.

Does your first wife know about the second wife?

Have you already consumated with your second wife? in other words, could the marriage be annuled?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Hi - yes my first wife knows that i got re married etc but it was only a religious ceremony nothing civil etc and i also did not consumate the marriage. We had a big wedding in india and it would literally destroy my family if i brought my first wife back and finished things with my new wife.

It would devestate her also but other than i care about her etc and dont want to ruin her life - i mean she and her family are innocents in this - and i was the one who pursued her! i have no where near the level of feeling i have for the 1st wife.

My first wife did stupid things like tell all my relations in canada about all our personal problems made me out to be a dirty rat type of person yet she's supposed to love me etc and even recorded some of my calls but i put this down to anger and mistakes she made due to the things i did.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.


You have to decide on a few things. First of all you have to decide who you are living your life for? Are you living your life for you or are you living your life for other people? Other people who have made their decisions about their lives and are now trying to make decisions about yours. You've made mistakes, your first wife made mistakes, but if there is real love there and a chance to make things right with her, you have to give it a try.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think the biggest part of your second marriage is the fact that you've not consummated the marriage, this would not be as bad for her, if you had of consummated it, correct? Yes, I do know that her family would be upset, and she would be upset, but its just as unfair to stay with her if you do not love her the way you should love someone you are married to.

One thing you need to it your pride that is making you want your first wife or is it really love? Sometimes when things don't work out the way we think they should we have a hard time letting it go. Sometimes when another person treats us very badly, and we cant get them to love us or treat us the way we think they should, our ego finds it hard to let go and move on as we think if we just had one more try, we could get it right.

You have to really examine your motives. Your motives for marrying your second wife, your motives for wanting to get back with your first wife, and make a decision based on how you really feel. If your first wife treated you badly and you feel that it may never get better, it may be best to cut ties with her and live your life happily with your second wife. If however you only married the 2nd wife to get back at the 1st, and you really love the first and think it can work out, then you owe it to your second wife to tell her the truth and do what's right.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk me


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