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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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There is a girl that I have been seeing on a weekly ...

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There is a girl that I have been seeing on a weekly base. Going out doing things together having a great time. However we only been going out as friends because of her current Drama issues with her EX, and his family. She tells me that she doesn''t want to get involved until the drama has been resolved. They live very close (2 houses down) and their families are close as well so I can understand it''s pretty hard. They have been broken up for nearly 1 year. She has dated after that, and now she''s single. She pretty much knows that I want more then just a friendship from her reply of "she doesn''t want to get involved until it''s done" unless I''m wrong and I''m not even reading her correctly at all. I don''t know what i should do, or what could i expect from this. I told her I''ll be patient until it''s resolved. What should i do?


How old are the two of you?

What did you say to prompt her response of not getting involved until it's done?

I'm confused because you said she's dated?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I'm 24, she's 19, I know "uhoh" lol. By dated I mean she's dated someone after she broken up with the ex, and now she's saying she doesn't want to get "involved" until her drama with the ex is over (and currently she's single).

I asked her if she to go to dinner. At that time she mention "getting involved".

It's confusing to me because I'm taking her out every week whenever I have a chance.

It sounds a little fishy to me. She's dated and she's willing to go out with you every week, but she doesn't want to get involved? She is involved, but she's holding you off emotionally and physically. You can handle this two ways, you can continue to take her out, but give yourself a mental deadline. If she's not ready to consider getting involved after 2 months, then I would move on. Or, you can stop taking her out and tell her to let you know when she thinks things have calmed down enough for her to get involved. I prefer the second option because you will know for sure within a week or so how she's feeling. Once it sinks in that you're serious about it, she will have to make a decision, even if the decision is not to be with you, at least you know.

Now you're probably telling yourself, if I continue to take her out, eventually she may grow to like me more. That's ok as long as you realize that if she decided at the end of a couple of months that she doesn't want to be with you how much time (and money) you wasted, when you could have spent that time with someone who did want to get involved with you.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
What do you mean by "She is involved, but she's holding you off emotionally and physically"?

If you've been taking her out 'for weeks" as you say, then technically, you are involved, even as just friends. Any outsider, including her ex, could think that you could be dating. If she's dated before, what's different about what you're doing? Why does she care what her ex or his family feels about it now if there's nothing still between them?

When I say she's involved but holding you off, I'm saying, she has no problem going out with you every week, but saying that she can't get 'involved' ensures that you don't become emotionally attached to her, and that you don't move forward physically (try to hold her hand or kiss her) because she's already let you know that she doesn't want that.

I'm only saying to look out for yourself, be sure that you're not giving out far more than you are getting back.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
We're currently taking the same class in College, do you think it's a good idea to do option 2 while we still see eachother? I walk her to her car on a regular base, should I stop that as well if I do option 2 while class is still going on?

Seeing someone in class and actively taking them out are two different things. You have to decide what's more comfortable for you. In some way she has to see that she can't have the best of both worlds. She cant go out with you every week and yet keep you at arms length by saying she doesn't want to get involved "right now". Like I said, you can give it more time and see if anything changes, or let her know you really like her more than friends, and would prefer to wait until she's ready.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
If I were to let her know that I would like to be more than friends. And she still agrees to go out with me would that be a green flag?

example: I plan a dinner one week,....I let her know what I would like between us the week before I take her out. And she doesn't cancel. Would that be a green flag? Should I or should I now do something like that?

Didn't you say that you asked her out to dinner and that's when she mentioned not getting involved?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Yes, I did, that was the frist time I asked her.
After a few weeks we started going out as friends: lunch, dinner, study, beach, movies etc. without the emotion and physical.

I think the emotion and physical are there ....but I'm confused because she did say she didn't want to get involved in the beginning.

You cant use her cancellation or not as a good guage because she sees you as a friend too. So to say, if she accepts the dinner then she's interested in getting involved is wrong. Might be best to flat out tell her how you feel and see what she says. If she says, no i'm not interested in getting involved, then let her know that you may not be able to spend as much time with her because you're developing feelings for her UNLESS you are ok with just being friends.


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