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I have an issue with my boyfriend of 7 months. He says that ...

I have an issue with...
I have an issue with my boyfriend of 7 months. He says that he has been feeling distant from me but doesnt know why. I work 3rd and he works 1st but we still see each other quite a bit before I go to work. However, he says our schedules are causing him to feel distant...at least he thinks that is what is causing it. He says that he is serious about me, loves me, cares about me, is happy with the relationship where it is, wants to be with and tells me I am wonderful. But he says that he isnt for sure that I am the one and that he wants to be able to take our relationship to the next level but something "the distance" he feels is keeping him from being able to commit to me more than a monogomas serious relationship. He says he needs time to make sure the distnace he feels isnt some other underlying problem even though he doesnt think that there is anything he would have a problem with. I am really confused and hurt right now. I dont know if I should be patient or leave him. I love him.
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Answered in 14 minutes by:
3/17/2008
Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Verified

Hello Queen,

I say 7 months might not be enough time to really know someone inside and out. If you give him a little more time then you will know that he's is sure of whatever he decides to do, that if he feels more comfortable and closer to you, the more likely it is that he will choose to be with you. He's telling you what he wants/needs, the best you can do is give it to him and see what he does with it.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I AM JUST WORRIED BECAUSE WE SHOULDNT BE HAVING ISSUES WITH FEELING DISTANT ECT AT THIS STAGE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT? MAYBE HE FEELS PRESSURED TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT STEP AND HE ISNT READY....CAUSE HE KNOWS THAT I WOULD EVENTUALLY LIKE FOR US TO TAKE IT FURTHER...I AM NOT USUALLY LIKE THAT BUT I JUST KNEW HE IS THE ONE FOR ME. WE ARE BOTH 30 AND I AM AT A POINT THAT I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND DONT WANT AND HE IS IT. HE SAYS THAT HE WANTS TO BE SURE THAT I AM THE ONE AND THAT HE DOESNT TRUST HIS DECISIONS CAUSE HE THOUGHT HIS EXWIFE WAS THE ONE AND SHE DID HIM DIRTY AFTER 6 MONTHS OF MARRIAGE. HE SAYS HE IS GOING TO BE WAY MORE CAUTIOUS THIS TIME AND MAKE SURE IT IS A LOVE THAT IS A LIFETIME DEEP LOVE. I UNDERSTAND ALL THAT AND I AM WILLING TO BE PATIENT FOR THAT, BUT THE DISTANCE ISSUE STILL BOTHERS ME. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW HE CAN BE HAPPY LOVE ME CARE FOR ME WANT TO BE SERIOUS BUT YET FEEL DISTANT?!?!?!? PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND.AND WHAT I NEED TO DO TO HELP THE SITUATION. I DONT WANT TO BREAK UP BUT I DONT WANT TO GET HURT EITHER. SINCE HE IS FEELING OFF ABOUT US.....SHOULD THAT THROW UP RED FLAGS FOR ME?
Customer reply replied 9 years ago
hello mrs chase
please help me further with this issue. I did have a great feeling about this relationship, I was happy and at peace. Now I feel very very uneasy. please help

Hello Queen,

I understand what you mean when you say that you know what you want, unfortunately he's saying that he's not sure. Don't you want him to be sure? You have to give him the space he is asking for because the botXXXXX XXXXXne is you can't force him to take this to the next level, he has to want to do that himself. It's natural for someone to feel hesitant after they've been hurt, and if they feel pressured by the next person, they can start to mistake the pressure for something else....they can start questioning how they really feel and start to put the distance between you. Just give him the space and try to stress out. When he sees that you are relaxed and not agitated or trying to push him in a certain direction, it's highly likely that he will go in that direction on his own.

If he doesn't....then at the very least you will know where the relationship stands, and you will see that either he is meant to be for you or not. I don't think that him feeling this way should throw up red flags, but that you should always understand that things can happen. Nothing in life is perfect, we have to enjoy and appreciate the good things we get in life and not spend out time worrying about the bad. Nobody wants to get hurt, but it happens....its how we deal with the hurt, and how we deal with our fears of loss, that makes us the people we are. Just like he is showing fear, you are showing fear and all that can do is push you further apart. Let him know if he wants to take it slow, thats fine with you, and really mean it, and see how things go.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2,897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
MRS CHASE,
I TALKED TO MY BOYFRIEND ABOUT THE SITUATION AND HE FELT THAT I WAS READY FOR US TO MAKE THE DECISON TO GET MARRIED NOW AND HE ISNT READY TO MAKE THIS DECISION. I RESPECT THAT. BUT HE ALSO SAID THAT HE FALLS IN LOVE EASILY AND THAT I MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO FALL IN LOVE CAUSE I AM WONDERFUL AND HAVE GREAT QUALITIES. HOWEVER, HE SAID THAT HE WASNT SURE YET IF IT WAS A LASTING DEEP LOVE AND HE IS BEING CAUTIOUS AND WANTS TO BE SURE BEFORE GOING TO NEXT LEVEL.(GETTING ENGAGED) HE ALSO SAID HE ISNT 100% SURE WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR IN A LIFELONG MATE AND HE IS TRYING TO DO SOUL SEARCHING TO FIGURE THAT OUT. HE SAID THAT HE THOUGHT HE KNEW WHAT HE WANTED AND THE WAY HIS MARRIAGE AND FAMILY SHOULD BE WITH HIS EX AND HE ENDED UP BEING VERY WRONG. HOWEVER, HE DOESNT KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT SHE WAS CHEATING AND THINGS WERENT GOOD BEFORE THEY MARRIED, AND HE MARRIED TO KEEP HER. SO HE SHOULD KNOW WHY THAT DIDNT WORK OUT. RIGHT? SO WHY DOES HE HAVE TO QUESTION US? TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUAION AND CIRCUMSTANCES. HE SAID THAT IF THE THE ONE WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR HE WOULDNT KNOW THEY WERE THE ONE CAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS FOR SURE BUT HE KNOWS HE LOVES ME AND SEES A POSSIBLE FUTURE WITH ME. SHOULD I BE CONCERNED. MY FRIENDS SAY THAT IF HE IS QUESTIONING WHETHER OR NOT I AM THE ONE THAN I AM NOT. SHOULD I GIVE HIM SPACE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS OR SHOULD I START PREPARING MYSELF FOR BREAKUP. WE HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND GET ALONG WELL OTHER THAN HIM FEELING DISTANT. HE ALSO EMAILED HIS EXWIFE AND TOLD HER THAT I WAS WONDERFUL AND NICE BUT THAT HE FOUND HIMSELF DISTANTING HIMSELF FROM ME AND THAT SOMETHING WASNT RIGHT OR NOT THERE. HE SHOWED ME THE EMAIL AND I ASKED HIM WHAT HE MEANT BY NOT RIGHT OR NOT THERE. HE SAID IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT AND HE HAD A BAD DAY AND THAT WASNT EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE WROTE IT. IS HE BS ME? SHOULD I BE WORRIED OR JUST CHILL OUT? PLEASE HELP
Customer reply replied 9 years ago
I GUESS I TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL ATTACK IN SOME WAY....LIKE HE THINKS I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR HE HAS TO DECIDE IF I AM WORTHY....WHEN I KNOW I AM A GOOD CATCH AND THAT I WOULD TREAT HIM WELL. AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY? COULD THIS BE THE CASE OR AM I OVERREACTING?
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