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nursemelissa, Relationship Answer Team
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship Expert
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Dear Dr. Phil, I have a 36 yr. old daughter, who has 6 ...

Customer Question

Dear Dr. Phil, I have a 36 yr. old daughter, who has 6 beautiful children, and a wonderful husband. She is an X drug addict, but has replaced drugs with alchohol. We have tried everything to get her to stop drinking, but it seems impossible. She is killing all of us emotionaly, physically. I''m her mom, and I just can''t take it anymore, I feel in my heart that she will die before she turns 50. She has had medical problems before, and I just don''t know where to turn. She has a heart of gold, but the drinking is killing her and the kids. She has admitted to having a drinking problem but refuses to do anything about it. I am slowly dying on the inside from watching my own flesh and blood kill herself. My question to you is "how do you get someone help if they don''t want it." Please advise me .    Thank You for listening, Carol K.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  nursemelissa replied 9 years ago.
Hello, my name is Melissa. I am sorry you and your family are going through such a hard time. It seems as though your daughter needs to have some tough love. What I mean by that is, the whole family, and you all have to agree and stick to the plan. If one person does not follow the plan it will not work. She needs to have what is called an ntervention, where you all get together and confront her alcohol abuse. You all need to sit down ahead of time, and plan what you are going to say to her. You need to tell her how you feel, honestly, and what her alcohol use is doing to each of you. Then you need to insist that she goes to rehab and gets help for her illness. You have to be firm and stick your ground, she may get angry, be verbally and physically abusive or just scream and refuse. If she refuses, then you all need to tell her what the consequences of refusing will be. You have to stick to these consequences, drug addicts and alcoholics are very manipulative, and will try to get out of this by making you and the others feel guilty for making such demands. You have to understand, she may have to be kicked out of the home, or not allowed to see her children. I would really suggest you seek a counselor that is an expert in alchol abuse, to help you with this process. They will help you with what to say and what to do, and will be present as a type of moderator. There are grams like alcoholics anonymous, and programs for her children and husband as well to help everyone cope with this terrible illness. I hope she will do whats right, for everyone and seek help. If you need to ask any follow up questions, please feel free to do so. Thank you for using Just Answers for your health questions.
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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I wish there was some place we could send her, where she would receive help every day for a long time, because being at home and in her surroundings she has found ways to buy her booze. She has stolen things and money from her ouwn children. Her car was taken away from her, by her husband, she is constantly being watched by everyone, her father who lives there part time, was on medication that she stole and replaced with water. It seems anything we do as tough love, she finds a way to get the things she needs. Please reply.
Expert:  nursemelissa replied 9 years ago.
I am not trying to be cruel, so please dont take it that way, but sometimes what we think is tough love isnt or isnt tough enough. Are you guys willing to cut her off, from emotional, financial and physical support. Sometimes addicts have to hit the very bottom of the bottom, before they realize they either need to stop or lose everything including a home to live in, a family to love them, and all support systems. She may have to be kicked out from her home, and cut off completely. Please dont misunderstand, I know this would be extremely difficult to do, but that may be what she needs for the best. She may not change at all, she may live on the street, or take up crime, but cutting her off may be the only thing that saves her. As I stated previously if you contact AA or other support systems, they would be able to give you the proper couneslling you and your family would need to be able to do this. It is very difficult and heart wrenching, and that is why it doesnt usually work, because families give in and break down, and take the addict back. Some alcoholics can live an almost normal life, still working, and being a good parent, but if she is stealing, lying and manipulating, then she needs help for sure. While I am sure this sounds harsh and cruel, that is what some people need to realize they have hit the bottom of the barrell and they need to change. I feel so much for you and your family, and I am sorry you are experiencing such hardship. I am not an alcohol counselor, but have dealt with some of these same things, in my personal life. If I can be of any more help to you, I surely will, but I also encourage you to seek a proper alcohol counselor that can guide you in your quest to get her proper treatment. If she has insurance they should pay for it. If she is disabled, and has medicaid that will cover the cost, at least in most states. Thank you for returning with another question, if you need more assistance please feel free to ask. Best wishes to you and your family.