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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Should I forgive

Customer Question

I have a partner of six years and we have had really rocky relationship, starting with drugs. I was a prostitute when I met him and he knew that I was. We have since given up drugs and two years ago we had a child. I love our child with all my heart and try to give him a loving and centred upbringing. My partner struggles with deppression and alcohol. I feel like such a fool telling you this. I found out this morning that he has racked up a $1000 bill for phone sex. He says that I should forgive because of my past. I wasnt a prostitute for the love of it, I was a drug addict. I dont know what do I just want a normal life now. My partner excuses himself from everything because he works such long hours. I work four days a week and do absolutly everything else for our family. I feel like I cant keep doing this if it just gets thrown back in my face. Please give me advise.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Sasha

First of all, don't feel like a fool, sometimes we need to be able to see a situation with an unbiased eye, there's nothing wrong with that.

How old are the two of you?

What kind of work does he do? what kind of work do you do?

What do you mean by 'excuses himself from everything'?

Are the two of you intimate?

Did you know about the phone sex before the bill?

What is your largest concern (phone sex, bringing up the past, etc)?

Chase

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hi ms chase

answer to your questions as they were asked

1. I am 29 and he is 38

2. He is a chef and I am a childcare worker.

3. He makes excuses for his behavior, because he works so much and is so tired. He doesnt lift a finger around the house, then wonders why I dont want to have sex after he sleeps off the alcohol in the afternoon, mean while I feel like I never get a break.

4. We are hardly ever intimate, because of my past I feel like I dont want the same kind of sex that he wants. The trouble with being a prostitute is that you only see the customer once and its easy to let go, I have never found this the case in my long term relationships. I keep my body in good shape and he used to but now is fat and his daily hygiene is minimal, he does not make an effort for me.

5. I did not know about the phone sex before the bill, but it does not suprise me. I just feel like its the last straw. He has no respect for me. I just dont want my son to have unhappy upbringing just because I stayed.

6. You must understand that I am not ashamed of my past, I enjoyed my job and made alot of money. I only stopped for him, but he has never forgotten about it. My biggest concern is that he has been jacking off with someone, for his own pleasure and expects me to understand that its nothing. It just doesnt work that way. I dont feel like I have the strength or the want to keep dealing with his constant lieing to me, I dont want someone to consume MY life. He has only said sorry when he was drunk and thats not good enough for me.

I dont feel sexy like I used to and I want answers to that. I want to feel like having sex again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Sasha,

My response to you is sort of simplistic in nature, but please don't take that to mean that I have not given all of your information thought. I just think that you have answered your own question.

While you have moved on from substance abuse, he has not. While you want to care for your son, care for your home, and make a better life for yourself, he isn't even trying. He's disrespecting you, your son, and your home.

You have put your past behind you, and from everything I can see have a good grasp on why you did it, and that you're not interested in returning to that lifestyle. If you want to have your life, it sounds like you're going to have to reclaim your life. If you don't feel that he's going to change, or that he's even interested in discussing change, then it's time to make a decision. I have a feeling that you know this already, it may be that you need to hear it confirmed by someone else, or that you still have some fears inside of you. However, I am talking to a smart woman who sounds like she's capable of making whatever needs to happen, happen.

If he's willing to get a handle on his alcohol abuse, start being a 50/50 partner around the house and with your son, giving you the respect you deserve as his son's mother and compromise on your other complaints, then perhaps this could be worked out. Only you will be able to know if this is possible.

I welcome your thoughts, and of course I am here if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase