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Deborah, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3217
Experience:  Patient Advocate/Domestic Violence
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I was very close to a Gay friend, (actually was his AA ...

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I was very close to a Gay friend, (actually was his AA Sponsor) but because of our "official" realtionship Idid not express my feeling directly to him. He is in a very negative and demoraliziing reltionship with another alcoholic who has emotionally and in fact physically abused him. Between August 2007 adn Novemebr he was dealing with his terminally ill mother. (SHe was diagnosed with Terminal Cancer after suffering with MS for 18 years. most of that time my friend provided all support for her) during the ordeal I resisted telling him about my feeliugns because I felt it was more important for me to provide him support. THe "partner" and I use that word very loosely. was not supportive at all. I loaned him money for both the funeral expense and even living money and to purchase a suit for the funeral all with the expectation and understanding that he would begin paying me back in January. THe day after Thanks giving in 2007 he stopped talking with me and has refused to return my calls. I think I made two mistakes and would like some guidence on dealing with them.... Did I make a mistake lending the money (Not on paper) and do I have the right to expect repayment but since none has occurred so far to request it. Second question. I know unequivically and wiht no doubt that I am in love with this man with all my heart. I resisted expressing myself because of my responsibility and the circumstaces... Now in spite of his still living with the "partner" should I risk telling him how I feel. I Have a feeeling he is back in active adiction....

Love is sure (at least in my mind) and I guess blind... I''ve been encouraged by my friends to move on and date others... I''ve done so on a limited basis but each person I meet seems to be compared to the friend.


Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Deborah replied 9 years ago.

Hello Rick,

Firstly, besides answering relationship questions, I also assist clients with legal issues.

Essentially, you could take your friend to small claims court in an effort to recoup the monies you lent him. As long as you did not stipulate the funds as a gift, you could still receive a court decision ordering him to pay you back.

Although you are legally within your rights to pursue a small claims court case, the real issue that needs to be discerned is if there is potential to have a frank, open conversation with this man to place your sentiments and feelings on the table. If you do not at least make the attempt, you will of course have feelings of self doubt and no closure. You know what they say Rick,-- "Nothing ventured, nothing gained!" You have already mentioned that you date, but continually compare your friend to your dates, so why not write your friend a note explaining that you desperately need to speak to him. Let him know to call you and then arrange a meeting in which you lay your feelings on the table.

What is important in this situation is that the focus of the conversation should be steered by your feelings of love first and foremost. You could also express your concern for his not being clean and sober. As important as it is to address that he may indeed be engaged in active addiction, it would be best to avoid bringing that up straight away. You need clearly express your feelings and love first and then once you know where you stand, broach the subject of alcohol use. Focusing on this addiction would overshadow the importance of your feelings. You want that issue to be clear when you speak to him. He could feel threatened by your past association as his AA sponsor, nothing would be gained by mixing the two issues.

There are no guarantees as to how this will develop, but at least you will have the comfort of knowing you tried. If by chance, his feelings are unfortunately not mutual, then you can clearly address the issue of the monies owed and more importantly move on to a healthy relationship with another man that returns your love.

Should you have further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to ask. I will check back.


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