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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I cheated on my wife and I want to get her back

Customer Question

I have been married for 13 years and I am 41 years old male in pretty good health. I just don''''t have a sexual desire for my wife but in November I had an affair with a co-worker and my wife found out. I was ask to leave and then I continued talking to the woman I had the affair with and my wife found out about that. I have really been stupid to put so much on the line for a cheap affair that I feel I fell in love with but not to the point of losing everthing I have built.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.
Answered via Just Answer Chat.
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Desmond, it seems that we had some problems with the chat. Let me ask you a couple of questions.

You said that you were "asked to leave", do you mean that she asked you to leave your marital home?

Did you leave?

Are you still involved with this woman?

Do you think your wife is interested in having you back?

What are you afraid of losing the most?

What do you think you can do about your lack of desire for your wife? Do you know how you got to this point?

Is this your first time cheating?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post:

I was ask to leave after I told her that I wanted to leave because I felt uncomfortable in the house, so I left. I am not involved with this woman anymore.

Yes, my wife has told me she wants to work on the marriage.

My family and half of my income .

I am in therapy for myself and then we are going to try some couples therapy.

No, second time.


Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Keiran,

Thank you for the additional info. The good thing overall is that she is willing to work on the marriage, so that means all hope is not lost, at least when it comes to second chances. The more important question or issue is to decide if you are truly willing to work on your marriage or if you will cheat a third time. It's understandable that after 13 years, a relationship could lose the initial spark, but there had to be a spark there to begin with that made you marry each other. Try and remember the things that attracted you to he in the beginning, remember that everyone ages and changes. Ask yourself;

  • What have you done to make her feel special, to keep the spark and passion alive in your marriage?
  • What do you think would happen if you put all the energy that you put into this other woman, into your wife?
  • Does she feel like the both of you could do more to work on your marriage?
  • Do you take time out a few times a month to spend alone time with each other?
  • Do you buy her gifts (no matter how small), surprise her ever, or do unexpected things out of your ordinary schedule?

A marriage is a two way street, its the responsibility of both people to put in their fair share of work towards it. Yes, I said 'work', because many people think that marriage is something that exists on its own, but I want you to think of it more like a garden. Left untended, you garden can become a barren wasteland, but tended to with love and care, it will blossom and bear fruit.

You have this one chance to make things right with your wife. She forgave you once, and is now willing to forgive you again. This is not the way things usually work, what if she was to turn her back now and not ever take you back, what would your loss feel like? Is it worth taking that chance again? You are who you choose to be. Your actions will always speak louder than your words. You choose what happens next in your life and how your marriage fares after this blow.

Therapy is good, for you and as a couple. Maybe you can get to the bottom of what you are so dissatisfied with and make changes in yourself and your marriage. The helping hand we look for is sometimes at the end of our own arm, and you can take the first step to making things right if you want to.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more