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Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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have been seeing my ex for 18yrs. we are both married. he ...

Customer Question

have been seeing my ex for 18yrs. we are both married. he is married to the girl he left me for. we see each other every chance we can. we have tried to end it but we keep getting back. should we try to work on our relationship or end it and how do we end it?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 9 years ago.


From the post that you have made it appears that you are looking for someone to make a decision for you but this would not be ethical. You are the only ones that can really make this decision.

You say that you were once a couple... Did you only date but never marry?

Also, you say that you have been seeing each other for 18 years every chance that you get and you are both married to some one else.

There are a few suggestions I have for you consider and to ask yourself as individuals and as a couple... Looking deeply within the self will help you come to the appropriate resolution to your internal conflict.

1. Do the two of you engage in sexual intercourse when you are together. Actually, even if you don't... Do you engage in sexual activity of any type: Hugging, Kissing ( More then a friendly peck on the cheek) Touching or easier stated: Everything but actual intercourse?

If you do then you will not be able to end it just like that for sexual passion in a relationship, though not required, does strengthen the bond and this would make this very difficult. Do you believe that you are strong enough to see each other less frequently (much less) with out engaging in any type of sexual activity?

2. Are either of your spouses aware of this relationship? If the answer to this is NO, there are two things to consider... If you decide to end the relationship with each other are you going to be emotionally tormented and unhappy to the point that they will see your sadness? And, when they approach you are you going to be able to be honest with them about what has happened?

3. How is it with your spouses now? Do either or both of you share sexual intimacies with your spouse? What is this like for you realizing that you have not been faithful to them though they believe that you are?

4. Putting your self in the role of your spouse's... How would you feel if the situation were reversed... would you be humiliated... would you feel used?

You ask if you should work on your relationship... I will ask what relationship? When you can not be free and have to keep your activities hidden then this indicates that something isn't tight about it for you.

A more fitting question would be whether or not you should divorce your spouse's so that you don't have to continue to live a secret life. Or, if you should end it.

The reality is this... If the two of you can't be apart and feel that you need to be together then this is what you should do. To continue as you are is unfair to the ones that you are bound to by marriage. A divorce would allow them to find the happiness that you believe that you have with each other. While they have done nothing wrong, they are victims of your actions and the result is emotional depression for them. While they will get past this it is not healthy to consider leading them on any further. Should the two of you decide to make a life for you selves they will both feel stupid as it is. After all for someone to trust you for 18 years all the while your heart belonged to someone else is mentally debilitating.

Not forgotten, You ask how do we end it... The verbal answer is easy ... You simply close the door to the past and never reopen i

Try to understand that if my response is offensive to you that is not my intention. However, when trying to find a solution for such a fragile event this is the only way to do it. I would not be of service to you at all if I were to give you an answer that is designed regarding what you want to hear.

Let me know I if I can hep you with this further.


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