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Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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my daughter is in a relationship, and they have a 3 ...

Customer Question

my daughter is in a relationship, and they have a 3 mo. child, he didn''t think the child was his, had a paternity test , but wouldn''t pay for the results , so my daughter did, guess what, it is his. he does not support her in any way. they live together, she buys groceries, does household cores. they have no relationship now. he sleeps on the couch. he goes to bars for pool,etc. gets home at 2 or3p.m. starts fights with her, her self esteem is so low. says he is gonna take the baby away, for she is crazy, cus she cry''s when they fight. told her they are only friends. what rights does he have. she has even paid his loans,.can he take the baby away from her and go with him? he also has a business meetin it tex. ,but says he is going by himself ,but she found condoms in his bag. any advice? we told her to pack and leave, but she is afraid of him. any advic.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 9 years ago.

Hi Cindy:

If he does not pay child support because it has not been ordered through the court and if he has never been authorized to have visitation with the child through the court, then legally, he has no claim to the child, even if it is his biological child.

If they are only friends and he sleeps on the sofa then it shouldn't matter if he has condoms or not.

I do wish that I could talk to your daughter one to one... However that is not possible... I would like to ask that you share this with her though... Let her know that it is coming from me the shrink and not you her mom.

First let her know that behavior is like a swinging pendulum... Though it may get bumped and shift course for a moment this is only temporary and it will return to normal activity in no time...

Ask her what she enjoys about being abused by someone that isn't worthy of being identified as the child's father... She will tell you that he doesn't really abuse her... Trust me though he does... If not physically then emotionally. You did say that she is afraid of him correct?

Ask her what birth defect her son was born with that will prevent him from seeing this so called "father" treating her like this as he grows... And by all means ask her how she is going to handle it when her son begins doing the same thing... You see children learn by observation and example of how things are supposed to be... We call it role modeling.

Then ask her why she pretends to be afraid of him? You see if she is really afraid of him she could leave shortly after he leaves for his permiscuous... excuse me, I mean business trip...

Then ask her if she will be so kind as to forgive me if my words are harsh. For you see, I have worked with inmates and couples and severely abused and battered women and children and have seen the results of this type of relationship first hand. And though we have never met, I wish this on no one. Therefore, my direct approach is only to motivate her thinking and perhaps let her view things from another perspective.

Tell her that while she and her newborn son are young... This is the time that she needs to make positive change for the two of them for until he is older his safety and welfare are in her hands.

Tell her to buy something nice for her self and the baby and to quit paying his bills... For if she doesn't leave at least he won't have the money to buy condoms and run around on her unless he chooses to foot it for his car will be repossessed.

Let me know if you need further help with this... I am here.


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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
attn:terri60   thank you. i feel u have helped me, the only reason he felt he wasn't the father is she saw another guy, but he was only a fried andnow this guy keeps throwing in her face that the other person keeps e-mailing him, but this person isn't for we talked to him personaly. also,she just got out of a terrible divorce 1v1/2 yrs ago. and has a 4 1/2 boy that she has custody of, her ex also was a emotional abuser. they have been having problems starting in nov. right after baby ws born.really fighting,etc. and he does everything for his mom. he did not even help her move into his house, we did. he was always to busy, but yet he wanted her there. they have not been to court at all, for she thought they had a relationship all along. he just told her this morning , he wants to be just friends. she feels like no one will ever love her again for she has 2 children. she can be manipulated by him. he can be nice, and then sweet as pie,i guess it is worse when he drinks. she is tired of being broke, for her ex really scewed her over financially. he pays child support,but that is all. he doesn't pay for the day care which is topay, and also medical inson his son. just tells her he pays child support which is enough. so u see , she is so confused and hurt. all i can do is tell her to get strong, for her 2 sons, and show him that it doesn't bother her for what he does(live in boyfriend)the only thing is it is house that she lives in.i'm sorry ,but my grandsons aree the world to me, and i'm tired of people who have $ think they can walk all over u. that's the way it was with her ex. but us poor people won that case, for she got the boy. it just put her father & i in debt, but we would do it again, for he abused both of them. thank u
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
attn:terri60 i am waiting to hear about more advice that i sent in reply for you.
Expert:  Theresa replied 9 years ago.

Hi Cindy:

I realize that her self esteem is not up to par right now for she has been through a lot... From this additional information it sounds as thought she probably entered this relationship without being over her divorce. Also, giving birth takes the physical body into turmoil due to the rapid fall and rise of hormones.

I do hope that she can get out of this abusive relationship also before it becomes an ever increasing cycle.

I agree with you more than you realize that she needs to be away from him and needs time to heal so that he can begin to grow with her boys. I have to ask... Is she your only child or the baby and was she an over achiever in her developmental years... ? 

Perhaps it will encourage you to know that I have a younger sister that experienced the same thing your daughter is right now... She is now doing well and married... Her husband adopted her daughter  (She was 5 when they married) and they have added two more to the bunch.  Share this with your daughter and let her know that time will also allow this pain to heal. What is important is that she allow it to happen instead of masking the pain by entering another relationship to soon.

I am glad that I was able to help you with this... If you are fully satisfied you may click on the green accept button on your screen.

You will also receive a prompt that asks you if you would like to leave feedback. If you have a moment to do this, it is appreciated for it allows other customers the chance to see how we work with others.

Again, If you ever need help again, I am here.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
attn:terri60 no ,she has a younger brother who is 22,she is 29. she also has a step brother who is 33. yes, she has to be a perfectionist, always was when she grew up, and still is. don't know where that came from.
Expert:  Theresa replied 9 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX this... part of my work is a profiler unimportant right now.

When children are born more than 5 years apart they are actually seen as only children because their interests and developmental phases are so far apart that it is as if they are an only child. If she grew up with her step brother then she would have been the baby.

When a child's birth order places them in the only child or baby child placement they are over achievers. And have a tendency to do this to prove to them self that they are good enough. Children that are only children by nature of the fact that the there is more time for the parents, receive more attention than children that grow up in homes where there are 2 or more. The same is true for the baby child in that Mom and Dad are both more relaxed since they have experienced the newborn process before.

Each of these children forever hear the words ... Good Job, You're so pretty, Daddy look at our girl... Look at our little man...

As they begin to develop friendship circles and visit with families that are larger they see a different environment. They begin to quite believing in themselves and feel that they have to be the best so that mom and dad will love them. The real problem is right in this... They are children and don't understand what love is but because they have received the special praise and attention believe that everything they do has to be the best... This has nothing to do with the parent's at all... It is formed from a child's perception.

It appears that this same phenomena has occurred with your daughter. She has quit believing in herself and this is why she is allowing these awful men into her life. She doesn't believe she is worthy of a good man and relationship. If you could tell her she is so lucky that I am not there!Smile I would move her out myself. Though I don't know her, I don't have to. She is a human being and life is something that I cherish and respect for in one way or another everyone needs each other at one time or another.

Being that he is drinking bothers me more. Especially for the children. Has she ever gone to professional counseling. Many people avoid it like the plague for they believe that if you go to therapy then some thing must be wrong and people will think you are crazy.

I advocate therapy to the max and not just in times of grief... It is an excellent learning tool. It enables us to learn about ourselves and why we do what we do. Understand this takes the heat away for questions no longer exist and a solution is found.

Maybe the two of you could take a few walks to together, outdoors, just so that she can vent... Help her to find solutions if she asks and don't offer her your thoughts otherwise. She may also want to consider consulting with her doctor regard the potential for taking medication for a short time to ease her stress as she through this.

Do let me know if you need additional help and let me know how she is doing.



Customer: replied 9 years ago.
attn:terri60 thank you. she has talked to a therapist before, when she was going thru her divorce. as for her dr, she has told her what she is going thru, and she just tells her she just had a baby and still take her vitamins,and they both should try counseling,but he won't. my sister and i have both tried everything we can think of, but until she realizes it herself, i don't know what to do except what we are now doing. she is on the depo birth control shot and my sister says that can mess with her feelings also, for it messed her up. hopefully my daughter will tell her dr. everything when she goes in again, we are gonna try to get her in this coming wk. right now. i guess he is acting like everything is fine, and playing with the 4 1/2 yr old.they are to go out of town to help his mother celebrate her b-day with the reest of his siblings, but i think it is all a big front on his part for none of his family knows what is going on, and she won't say anything for she doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. she won't even let me confront him about any of this stuff he's pulling. if he didn't love them. my daughter,baby and the 41/2 yr old why would he have a relationship with the 4 1/2yr old. he loves him(boyfriend)does things with him that his dad doesn't me ,that would be messing with a child's mind, (confuse them) i just don't understand any of this anymore. he acts like everything is just fine around us. it is just a relief that i can talk to someone about this who doesn't know us and this way get real advice. and not take sides

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