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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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how to tell if your boyfriend wants to break up

Customer Question

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Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Amanda,

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been together?

Has he done something to make you feel this way?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I am 30 yrs. old and my boyfriend is 51yrs. old. We have been together for 6-7months. He is a psychiatrist and is very busy with his career. He has been divorced twice and I am recently divorced. My divorce was not final when we met and he has helped me through my divorce (emotionally). I am at a turning point in my life as far as my career. I have a 4yr old son and up until my divorce I was a stay at home mom. But I am having trouble making the right career decisions and my financial life is in turmoil. I do not bring this into our relationship. Because I feel that it is my responsibility to handle my business. He is a very affectionate man and seemed to get serious very soon in the relationship. He had mentioned marriage and how in love he is with me around the 3 month mark. He warned me of how much he would be working in December. I was prepared for not seeing much of him. By the way we live in the same neighborhood within walking distance. He works late nights and many weekends on a regular basis. But we still see each other late at night. In December there were changes in his behavoir. I attributed much of this to his schedule. But then I became aware of a new medical student (female) that he was working very closely with on a daily basis. She was his student for the month of December. The first part of December our relationship was still the same but the middle to last part was different. Our contact had changed and for two weeks we barely saw one another. He made a point to call/text on a daily basis to say he loved me and missed me. But a whole week went by with us not seeing each other and then he got off early one night and took her to an expensive dinner.He was very open about all of this like nothing was wrong. I did not confront him at the time. Then when she was no longer his student he started wanting to see me again. I did some investigative work and found some texts to her that he never sent but they really did not give me a clear picture of what their rel. consisted of. Then I found a letter that he wrote to her but never gave her. It was pretty clear of his feelings for her. He said how wonderful of a student she was and how much he learned from her and she made him want time for family and play. Also, that he honors her with his life and he would like to know her better in anyway she wishes. Once again I did not confront him because I wanted to see how this would play out. Then one night he tells me that he is worried about his medical student because he has tried numerous times to contact her and she has not responded. It became obvious to me that she was not reciprocating his affections. At this point our rel. became stronger and closer. Since then he has asked me to marry him but I did not say no or yes. Then last week he overheard a conversation that I had with my mother. My cell phone accidentally dialed his number and I was unaware. The conversation was negative because my mother is not for this rel. She was doing most of the talking. She did ask me if I wanted this rel. and I said" I don't know". I am sure he heard more but he has not been able to discuss it with me because of being hurt. Over the past few days he seems to be slowly coming around. Sat. night we made an attempt at discussing the phone call. He feels he is in a rel. with my mother and me instead of just me. I had a hard time explaining everything to him because he has not said exactly what he heard. I just tried to explain my rel. with my mother. She is very protective and opinionated. So when I have talks with her somtimes it is easier to just agree with her to avoid an argument. Also, I discussed with him about other issues in the rel. Like his lack of time and it seems to me desire to create time for the rel. I asked him "how could we marry if he has only been around my son 3 times in 6mths?" The next day I sent him a sweet text saying that I miss him and love him. An hour later he called and asked if my son and I want to go to the park. So we went and it was nice but he kept his "3ft of personal space" distance from me(just like the night before). He is great with my son and they get along very well. That night he sent a short text saying good night-no I love you or anything like that. Monday I sent him another sweet text and we saw each other. He was not as distant and actually gave me a hug and kiss. It is hard to tell if now he is debating about whether to continue this rel. How do you tell if someone is waffling in a rel.? I do not want this rel. to end because I have never felt like this before.

So the revision to my question is this:
How do you tell when someone is waffling in a rel. and what can you do to prevent them from ending it?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Amanda,

I'm not so sure that waffling is the issue here. He was basically going crazy for this student (lets not even talk about propriety with his job), and tells her he honors her with his life? Thats some serious talk from someone who is asking to marry you and is in love with you. In my opinion, three months was far to quick to make these statements, and it makes me wonder if he really knows how he feels or what he wants since he went from you to her so effortlessly. You must ask yourself what position you would play had she started reciprocating his affections?

Ok he overheard a conversation, but what about what was going on with him and this girl? How are you supposed to feel or react about your relationship with him after that? The things that happened with this woman should be confronted. He should know that you know what went on with her and the things you found. He should be made to look at how he would have reacted if she returned his affections. He should explain to you what you should think about the next medical student or co worker that comes along? How are you supposed to trust him when he said he loved you but was so easily turned from that love?

To answer your question specifically....I'm not sure that it's so much waffling as he may not know what he really wants. Age is not necessarily indicative of maturity, and you should be sure that he reflects the personality of a man that you want to be a permanent fixture around your son. As far as "preventing" someone from ending it, that's not possible. If someone is not emotionally committed to you or if they are ready to leave, there's nothing you can do about it. Sure you can beg, talk, negotiate, even do things you wouldn't do otherwise, but these things will only be a temporary fix.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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