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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ive been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now.

Customer Question

I''ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. In the beginning it was wonderful. We did have quite a few bumps due to the fact that my ex was hounding me. The issue now that I have is he seems to be going through something. He lost his job and has to make some decisions involving his military career. The decisions that he has to make are pretty serious in that whatever he decides he would have to go off for training for months and months and he would be stuck with whatever career forever in military. He also seems to be suffering from depression. At least I think so. His behavior towards me changed. He use to call me daily and send text messages. I turned into the one that calls. He says he sorry to me and that he doesn''t know what wrong with him. He said he often finds it hard to get out of bed, nothing excites him. I noticed the last time I was at his apartment that he had a book entitled "Dealing with Male Depression." The thing that distrubs me soo much is that he was the person that persued me so severly, calling me all the time and sending roses to my work. Now he says hes going through something and he doesn''t know what wrong. He says he loves me and that I am the woman that hes always wanted. He has been really rude to me when I try to talk to him about it. In fact we went out together one night everything seemed fine. We saw a movie, held hands during. We went to dinner and then a comedy show. After we spent the night together and everthing seemed like it was going back to normal. Unfortuantely when I woke up in the morning he was behaving like he did before, being distant. He says he just needs to worry about himself right now and whats hes going to be doing with his future and when I''m in the picture he can''t think of anything but me. He claims he doesn''t know how to balance everything. He said when he and I get into an arguement thats all he can think about all day and he ends up not accomplishing anything. He said for the last 8 months he didn''t do anything with his life and now hes in a hole. He tells me its not my fault that he did this but now he has to fix it and he needs time. He said right now he can not give me what I need and he''s aware about how moody he has been and he hates the fact that me makes me cry soo much. Before me he was single for 6 years. He told me that he hadn''t met anyone that even interested him in having a relationship until me. I''m scared I love him soo much and it pains me to not talk to him everyday like I''m use to but I don''t want to be foolish. Its hard for me because he really doesn''t provide any answers for me. I mean how much time does one need? When I ask him he says he doesn''t know. I just don''t want to wait around just to find out he doesn''t want me anymore. I mean when you''re in a relationship with someone aren''t they suppose to be a support in your life? I mean whats to say that this won''t happen again next time he''s feeling stressed? I am having a hard time with the fact I feel like I''m being tossed aside so easily. He once was affectionate and loving and now hes rude and cold. He just keeps repeating to me that he needs to figure things out for himself, he needs to worry only about himself right now. He said he knows its selfish but this is what he needs to do. Should I just say forget it and move on with my life? Is it possible that what hes saying is true and this could just make our relationship better? What if he does in fact suffer from depression, then what good would time do? I am dying inside and I don''t know where to turn. My friends tell me when I guy needs space its because of another woman or that he wants to break up but dosen''t want to hurt me and he is trying to back out slowly or have me do it. He really didn''t seem like that type of person. Hes not very social and doesn''t like bars or parties. He generally is happy just watching football and reading the paper. I am soo clueless and I know I can''t talk to him about it anymore it just stresses him out besides he just sounds like a broken record. He says that if I love him and we are suppose to work then I we will be back together agian. What do I do????????
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Belljar

How long has it been since he said he needed time?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
He has been talking about it throughout the month of January but we have still spoke and would see eachother here and there. Last Saturday he told me he said it doesn't work doing it this way because he can't concentrate on himself when I'm there. So, really it's only been a matter of a few days.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Belljar

It's near impossible for anyone to tell you what's in his heart or what he's thinking. The problem is, he is showing signs of depression, but if he won't let you help him, or even allow you into his life, there's only so much you can do.

You've mentioned fighting and crying, so I'm assuming that there have been other problems aside from his distancing himself. You have to look at the state of the relationship since you've been together, ask yourself has he lied or cheated on you before because the best indication of future behavior is past behavior, and asking what's to stop him from doing this in the future is exactly right. Its very possible he could feel this way again, and close you out again.

If you can't talk to him, and get him to open up to you, all you can do is give him some time. Since it's only been a few days, give him a week without calling or contacting him and see if it helps. Eventually you're going to have to decide if you want to take the risk of waiting to see what happens, especially since he is going back into the military, you have to make a decision if you want to stay with him through that. It's highly likely he is distancing himself because he wants to lessen the pain of leaving you, not realizing how bad it's hurting you now.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.