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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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How do I get this man Ive been seeing for 1 ...

Customer Question

How do I get this man I''ve been seeing for 1 month now to tell his kids'' mom that he''d rather be with me? She was abusive, in jail for drugs for 2 years and now she''s in rehab. He says he''d rather be with me but he keeps prolonging telling her about us because he thinks she will do something crazy and he doesn''t want any trouble. He has a 14 year old daugther who says I am her friend but she doesn''t know I am more than that. She wants her mom and dad together. He alos has a 28 year old son living with him who knows about us and doesn''t mind.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.


Does he live with her?

How old are the two of you?

Who does the daughter live with?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Ms. Chase,

   She doesn't live with him right now, she used to before jail. She's in a residential rehab right now. She's on parole for drugs, he's on parole for getting copper out of a dumpster. I was told 2 people on parole can't live in the same house, is that true?

I am 40, he's 49.

The daughter lives with him. He's always been like a single parent, even when she did live there.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

The thing is, you've only been seeing him for a month. That's an awfully short amount of time to jump head first into a relationship. He's still got the mother of his kids around, he lives with his teenage daughter, who is probably emotionally scarred from everything that is going on with her parents, and I think he's probably right, that you should give it a little more time before announcing that he is involved with someone else.

If he really wants to be with you, it doesn't really matter who knows. Give him a little more time to get things together in his life, continue to be a friend to his daughter if you wish, maybe you can be the person she can lean on to get through all of this, and be a little more patient. I would give him at least another month to pull things together (if not longer), be there for him, show him support and that you are in his corner. If you give it a little more time, you'll also see if you even want to be with him after another month or two in case he doesn't get things together it gives you the time and foresight to walk away if you need to.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I can kind of see where you are coming from but that answer really doesn't help me because there are other things that I didn't tell you that maybe I
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

I welcome any further info you can give me. The more info you give me the better I can help.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I wrote a lot of additional information but it was lost somehow. I'll write some now and some tommorrow.This woman went after him and my uncle ( that's how I met him my uncle's best friend), with a frying pan and a knife, tried to run someone over with a car just because she thought he was cute. She is very possessive of him and he thinks she may also try to kill herself. She cheated on him with men and women, wouldn't go home for days, was not a mom more then 15 min. a week. Used to kick his daughter out of the house. She's been talking to her drug friends even a dealer. She'll be doing drugs again. In 2 weeks she may get moved to our same town unless he can convince her to go to another place. The place she wants to go to they sell drugs right outside.She bossed him around, stole his money, their utilities were always getting turned off. I was also abused by my x of 20 years (actually separated for 4 years, want a divorce. He has a girlfriend and her kids and mine living with him. I have a girl 6, and 2 boys 9 and 13. Taken away last Feb. due to a doctor saying I have pshcophrensia and multiple personality. Several other doctors just say ocd, anxiety and depression(in remission). Back in March 2006 when me and my guy were introduced neither one was ready for each other. Then right before New Years,( actually way before but my uncle didn't tell him right away, he said I'm to good for him and he may just use me for sex.) I told him I like him and he said he likes me too. And we have made love but not right away, we were going to try to just be friends but we couldn't help ourselves. But it is more than just physical, we talk and really listen to each other, we laugh together, we enjoy each other's company. We like being with each other and we both deserve to be happy. My church friend said maybe he can just break up with her for now and don't say there's someone else.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Do you think my friend from church gave me good advice? I also have a counselor due to my diagnosises, who has said he should tell her about us while she's still in rehab. because there are people there who can help and support her. Another reason I'm a little impatient (I'm usually a very patient person) is because when she comes home for a visit fine I know I can't be there if it is scheduled but there are times when I can't go to his house because he's afraid she will show up and he's not good about calling people on the phone (says he'd rather talk in person doesn't like talking on the phone), my uncle informed me yesterday that he was like that with her too and is with my uncle too, so I'm not taking it personal anymore. I was really upset ( probably mostly due to my anxiety) the other night when we were supposed to get together after HER visit and then he didn't call me afterwards even though he said he would. My uncle called him and talked about his stuff not me and then said do you want to talk to your girlfriend my neice? He did talk to me, and said he would probably come to my house on Monday but he didn't and he didn't call me either, he does go to sleep rather early on the weeknights since he has to get up for work at 3 am but I think a phone call is the respectable thing to do. And I have now told him that, that's how I know he doesn't like talking on the phone. I told my uncle he likes me better than this other woman, but since he didn't call my anxiety got he best of me and I started thinking maybe he likes her better. It was all in my head, just like he said when I saw him. I didn't know it but my uncle told me they were looking (my man's idea) for me after work on Mon. at my house and this career place I said I was going to go to. That is good because I told my uncle my man has to make the next move and he did! Then Tues we ran into each other but I was going to work, he wanted me to come in his house. Then yesterday I drove by his house he wasn't there yet, I ate lunch with my uncle and then I went back to my house to drop off my dog and he drives by as I am going in, he knocks a few minutes later he had to park. We made love for the 6th time, we also talked first and watched a movie together. I wish I'd met him before and got married to him not this jerk. I wish we had children together, I was never this happy about a man before! We really don't want any more kids but one day before I got on pills, the condom broke and I am having pregnancy symptoms, I went for a blood test today. I think we are destined to be together. Maybe we had to go through all that abuse so we know what a good relationship is about. We still have the rest of our lives, I just don't like living in fear because of this Woman. Thank you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

It's hard to say which advice is better. If he just breaks up with her and doesn't tell her he is seeing someone, it's possible that she could find out eventually that he lied. Although it might be good to tell her while she is in rehab, the fact is, this is a decision he has to make on his own. From what you're telling me about his issues with the phone, e sounds like a man who is very set in his ways. If you force him to tell her or to handle it in a way he's not comfortable with, then he may wind up resenting you for it later on down the line.

I know you love him and you feel like you are destined to be together, but if you think he feels the same way then you have to give him time to get things together. I think that he will appreciate your patience in this matter. You're right about him calling if he wasn't going to show up, and you should let him know that. Talk to him about being more patient and allowing him to make the decision and see how he reacts. Like I said before, give it a few weeks to a month and see if anything changes...see how you feel about each other and what the status of the relationship is at that time in order to make a better decision.

I'm here if you wasn't to talk


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Ms. Chase, Thank you for all your responses. Things just keep happening though. I guess it is a good thing, even though I wished maybe it were true, I am not pregnant. He also doesn't have to tell her anymore because his daughter realized we are more than just friends, she flipped out at first but now she's treating me like her friend again. We've made cookies together, I let her use my nail polish and curling irons, I watch her tv shows with her when her dad falls asleep on the couch sometimes, I think she likes having me there. The 28 year old is usually out or at work (sometimes she gets out of school early), or he's upstairs in his room. I said something to him about how I don't like to sneak around or be afraid to show up at his house and he said his daughter already told her mom about us. He has called this woman wingnut, pain in ass, it's like babysitting, crazy, etc. He does really like me I think he probably does love me although he hasn't said it yet, I feel it in his actions. Anyway the daughter told her and she flipped out but I thought things would get better after that but he's still worrying about me being at his house and what if she shows up. We did spend the most amazing Saturday day and night together. Then on Sun I went to church and he had to pick her up for 4 hours, his daughter wasn't even there he tried to get her to come home from her friends house she spent the weekend there, but she didn't want to.This woman comes to his house she lays around, brings her stuff in and out of his house, complains, she only had 4 hours and that included the travel time(1hour total). Now though another reason he's concerned is she is getting moved into a rehab right in our hometown and is getting a job at the same restaurant where I admitted my feelings to him, my uncle told him he thought he was just joking. He's afraid he won't know her schedule and that with her being this close, she'll be poping in all the time. She will be working but who's to say it will last. She gets jobs easily but can never seem to keep them. I changed my work hours to coordinate better with his schedule but who knows her schedule, hopefully it's nights. He said we may have to start having our meetings at my house. I like going to his house, I feel like a part of his family, him, his daughter, his animals. I do like spending alone time with him too but I don't like the fact that at his house WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT her showing up. He doesn't want any trouble, she'll probably try to beat me up and police will come and he's on probation ( I thought it was parole) and she's on parole. Can a person on parole and one on probation live in the same house? If he lets her move back in there then were would that leave us? He told her before about moving to her niece's house when she gets out of rehab but then he says this parole officer may come to his house and check it out. Why would he even let this take place if she's not going to live there? He did spend a lot of time with me this morning before I went to work since he had the day off. I wanted to stay at his house and make love but he was afraid of her showing up, his kids were gone. I even suggested my house but he said he has lots of things to do, we wound up doing his errands ( some any ) together and eating lunch . He said he may have to give this woman a ride home from work. And he doesn't know her schedule so he couldn't say wether or not he could come to my house after i GET DONE WORK AT 5:15 PM to cook some steaks there for supper, I had actually brought them to his house yesterday today I had to take them home because he was afraid she'd see them and accuse him of lying that he doesn't have any money. She always wants money from him. She keeps talking to her drug friends, I hope she goes back in jail again so we can get rid of her. My friend said she will have to understand that he's with me now and she doesn't think we will have to sneak around forever, I just need to give this woman time to cool down. I'm just so in love, I want to spend all my time with him. I won't be able to tommorrow because this weeks work schedule is still made up from before I changed it to go with his.My friend invited me over for a late supper. So that was very nice. I used to spend so much time with my uncle but he's pretty scarCe these days. How would you deal with all these issues? iT WON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER RIGHT? i PLANNED ON SHRING MY FOOD WITH HIS SON AND DAUGHTER TOO, HIS DAUGHTER SAID SHE LIKES STEAKS NOW HIS KIDS PROBABLY WONDER WERE ARE THOSE STEAKS.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I have more info to add, the place that he rents is smaller than my house and it costs him twice as much to rent than my mortgage, the problem is the place is in her name and so are most of the bills but my guy is the one who's paying these bills the past two years not her and their lease is only month to month. I have offered him and his kids to come live with me, it will cost less for both of us and then SHE can't just come whenever she feels like it. He will surely keep custody of his daughter and you are right she is emotionally scared (my uncle said she was abused by her mom), she really does seem like she wants me as a close friend and positive adult role model, I want to help this child out, I told him I want him and her to go to my church with me, he said they will, his mother is really religious, she lives down in Florida, she would definetly like me. He is so sweet he offered to pay my car insurance for me, I don't want him to, my uncle told me he told him that yesterday. He calls Valentine's day, lovebirds day, he asked me what kind of chocolate I liked, I told him, but I said I'd rather have something that lasts, he said he may get me a new watch. People at this diner that know him and my uncle have noticed and told my uncle, that me and him are boyfriend and girlfriend. There is a casino trip coming up, that would be a little getaway for us.Maybe he will take the day off of work so we can go.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello again,

Like I mentioned before as time goes on things will grow and change, like his daughter learning about you. You don't have to push or force things because they will happen in their own due time. It would seem like moving in with you is a good idea but it has to be something that he is 100% sure about doing, not something that he does just because you want him to. He has to get his life straightened out, and decide how to move forward from there. This is not something you can fix because it involves so many other factors. As time goes on and your love grows, and you start doing more things together, he will want to pull away from those other things and be closer to you, but it has to be in his time. It sounds like things are going well so far and moving along, just remember to be patient.

I'm here if you want to talk more.