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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Should I still talk to my ex, But i still want her back

Customer Reply

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
My girlfriend and I are both college students.My girlfriend broke up with me because she wants space and she said that she is not ready for a relationship.She said that she wants a full college experience.She says that she still really cares about me and like me a lot but she dont want things to end badly between us.She says that she never can see us not being friends and talking.She knows that i really care about her and like her very much.I have told her that I love her.She told me that she had want to tell me that she loves me but she said that she was scares and she didn't get the right opportunity.But any way, she wanted to break up with me out of no where.By the way I took her virginity and i was the first guy that actually notices her and cares about her.Also I was the First guy to Touch her in certain ways.She says that she can't be with me right now because she is depending on me too much and she said that she want to best person she could be.Should I still talk to her.
Expert:  Theresa replied 9 years ago.


Before I attempt to provide an answer to your question I want to take a moment ot tell you that I am sorry for the painful feelings and hurt that you are experiencing as a result of this. Be it a girl or boy through a break up; man or woman via divorce; friend, sibling or parent through death, loss of anyone that we care about brings much sorrow to the heart. The longer the relationship is shared, the more pain the grief process will be.

I would also like to encourage you by offering this: Be it the passage of time or reunifying with this young lady; as long as the heart and eyes remain open to love that is offered by others, you will heal. Twill be then that you have the opportunity to live freely once more not only receiving but also giving love.

You've not indicated in you post the length of time that you were with this young lady; however, you are very clear in informing me that the lady has informed you that she is not ready for a relationship and that she needs her space at the present time so that she will be able to enjoy a full college experience. You also indicate that she wants to remain friends with you...But, it could be harmful to her independence if she should remain in the relationship at the present time for she is virtually becoming handicap by depending on you to much and she wants to be the best that she can be while standing on her own two feet. And, she would also like to continue being friends with you; therefore you ask, Should I still talk to her...?

It does not sound as though the two of you weren't together for a very long time in that she could not tell you that she loves you out of fear...Trust me when I tell you a thing about us ladies...Though we are shy in manly circumstances when cupid informs us that this might be the one, we will go out of our way to make it known to the other person that we love them, even in full absence of the words... I believe that we are clever in this and the chance that our dictionary is the result of this would not impress me. For you see, we can I love you in more ways than the majority of men would begin to fathom! Innocent

I don't believe that this was your lady's trouble though, for if it were she would not have been able to openly share her other feelings with you...Her fear, the one she said is the reason she didn't tell you that she love you, may really have been the fear of suffocation by committing herself something that she is not ready for at the moment.

If by chance your heart is sincere then, yes, I would encourage you to talk with and befriend her. At the same time I would encourage you to date others . Just realize that I a not suggesting that you rush off in search of a new love of your life so to speak...In fact I will encourage just the opposite, for until you have totally healed from this experience you will nay honestly be free to love another, even though you may believe that you do and this will only give to you another relationship to be journaled in your life history.

I have but a few items that I would like to ask you prior to closing this answer... I ask that while you view them that you think on them seriously for I am doing so in order that you can understand your presence in a relationship...While it may seem unusual or a bit much (what I am going to say) in no way is the intention to hurt or harm you... Tis only for the purpose that you gain insight about yourself. You do not have to share your answers with me or any one...

As I read through your information I am feeling that you are either an only child or the baby and that you were spoiled as a child...Do not misunderstand what I mean...for this is not always a bad thing...Being spoiled can mean that your self esteem is wonderfully high the result of receiving a lot of love and encouragement from the adults that nurtured you while you were a growing boy.

There are also times that it can have a negative impact for the individual that possesses the high self esteem. This is because many of these individuals begin to believe that they deserve things that they truly aren't entitled to (love from another person) or they often begin to believe that they are better than others and therefore should receive what they want based on their stature as a wonderful human being, rather their self view of their stature.

Stay with me a bit longer please...I say this because I picked up this feeling from your message when you indicate that:

By the way I took her virginity and i was the first guy that actually notices her and cares about her.Also I was the First guy to Touch her in certain ways.

1. You are the first guy to actually notice her and care for her...In all of my education I would not step out like this for the only person that lives to day and really knows a person's heart...Is the person whose body houses that heart. This comment leaves me wondering if you believe your self esteem has led you to believe that you may have been doing the girl a favor and that this s the first time you have felt rejected by another perhaps which has left you feeling vulnerable...

2. Further, Pain that is experienced when an individual loses someone that they care about has nothing to do with whether or not they lost their virginity to the one or if they touched one in certain ways.

I will use my little puppies as an example: I have 3 German Sheppard puppies who were born on the 4th of July, 2007. I became their surrogate mother when they were but 9 days old for their mother was not able to care for them. The first time that each of these sweet beauties provide a kiss to me it was done in a certain way by each of them and no other pup could replicate this.

Being there human mommy, the little kisses an ever so cute antics helped me grow to love them more each passing day. Their licks and tail wags and bouncing behaviors when I come through the door is how they show me that tier love (loyalty) is abundant.

I suppose that what I am wondering is if you might consider that you grew in an affectionate home whereby physical expression via a hug or kiss were used to communicate feelings between family members. Do understand that I am not saying this happened matter of factly, it is a theory! LOL On the other hand individuals that grow in this type of environment can believe that sexual intercourse is also an expression of emotion.

The is no more than a behavior...And we maintain total control of our own self. When a person is in love with another it is still just a behavioral act; but, it is ones perception that takes it to a higher plane "so to speak".

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the best!


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