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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Is my husband struggling with homosexuality

Resolved Question:

At 13 my husband was raped several times by an older male relative. I have recently discovered he watched men/men porno, has objects he inserts into his anus he has been doing this for many years without my knowledge and over the years has tried to get me to have anal sex or perform anal sex on him. When watching the porn he always comments on the men and thier sizes, lengths etc.
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. The other Experts and I are working on your answer. By the way, it would help us to know:

-What is his age?

-How long have you been married?

-What is your question?

-Are you concerned he may be gay?

-Did he get Counseling for his molestation?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: he was 13 when molested and he is 53 now.
We have been married 29 years
My question is how do I know if he is struggling with homosexuality or bi sexuality. He never got counseling for it. I would have never known but I was cleaning out the attic and found male/male video, anal sex toys, condoms and viagara of which we had never used. Our sex life is very much the same and is very robotic like he is making himself do it. When I caught him I made him go to marriage counseling and while in counseling found he was still doing it and lying about it. When I left him because he could not be honest, he finally tells me about the assault (yet he still tells different stories about how it happened)Says he is not gay but likes to watch gay men and the anal stimulation is fabulous.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.

It sounds like he may be struggling with his sexuality especially if he says that anal stimulation is fabulous, it's important for him to continue the counseling so that he can finally figure out his sexuality, it seems like he is in denial in many ways. It's hard to know if he was truly molested as a child because it happened so long ago unless he told someone like a family member or a friend or someone that could tell you if this is true. It is important for you to find out the truth though because you don't want to wait until you find out that he is indeed gay and seeing a man behind your back but this could all be something he likes to do himself and doesn't involve another man. You should talk to the counselor about these things about the videos the toys and the condoms. I don't understand why he would need a condom and the Viagra if he is doing these things alone.

It is in your best interest to have him wear a condom if you decide to continue to have sex with him just in case he is seeing someone behind your back whether it be male or female, health wise it is important for you to practice safe sex within your marriage until you find out what is going on with him, it isn't fair to you that he isn't being completely honest to you especially after 29 years of marriage. Since you are no longer living with him maybe he will finally be able to figure out what he wants and work through all of his issues. Talk to your husband and tell him that you will not be back until he can be completely honest with you about his sexuality and fidelity. It's important for you to find out what he has been doing since you have been married and possibly get an AIDS test for precautious measures. I you have anything to add click reply.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I am currently not having sex with him. He says he has done a lot of this because I won't have sex with him every day. He is very insecure, very clingy during the day but at night it is like a different person comes out. How do I get him to tell the truth? He said he would take a lie detector test, should I force this issue since he has been lying to me for 30 years?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 9 years ago.



The decision about a lie detector test is yours, you know your husband better than anyone and if you feel you will not find out the truth otherwise then that could be an option I don't know how true these test are or how that will help the fact that he has lost your trust because of his secret sex life. Even if you were not giving him sex everyday why would he feel the need to watch gay porn and have anal toys? It just doesn't make sense why he chose that genre. I think you may be taking it as him lying but I truly don't think he knows himself what he wants and what sex he wants, he seems very confused. It may be best not to be living together until he can truly figure out what he wants because it is hurting your marriage and it doesn't sound like he is willing to stop watch the man/man porn or the anal stimulation toys.

Tell your husband you will not come back until you feel you can trust him as a husband again and trust that the things he is doing behind closed doors are harmful to you and your health. The decision to go back is yours but you should make any hasty decision right now allow your husband to get the help that he needs a counselor will help him sort out his thoughts and what he wants and needs out of life.

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