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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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Im 25 and my ex/first love is 23. In 2004, after

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I''m 25 and my ex/first love is 23. In 2004, after dating for 3.5 years, she broke up with me because she wanted to know what else was out there, didn''t know if we were right for each other. I was really hurt, but understanding. So we parted, and each continued college. Every now and then we catch up with emails, but not very often. It''s been over 3 years now since we broke up or I''ve even seen her in person, and I still think about her all the time. I''ve dated other girls but never been able to get too close to anyone because I always think about her. I want to find out if she''d ever consider dating me again. We are on good terms, but I''m afraid asking her will only push her away more. Also, this past summer I asked if she wanted to get lunch, and she said she wanted to, but it wasn''t a good time. I''m pretty certain this discussion is something that must be done in person, but what can I do if she doesn''t want to meet? I feel can''t move on until I know she''s out of the picture.



You're right you will never be able to completely move on until you talk to her and tell her how you feel and ask her if she would ever consider giving your relationship another chance, the reason you haven't been able to move on is because you never had closure she said to you that she wanted to see what else is out there and not that she didn't want you and this is why you haven't been able to get her out of your mind because more or less you have some unfinished business. She never said she didn't want to meet she said that when you asked her to lunch it wasn't a good time maybe now that it is a new year and holiday hustle and bustle is over maybe you should try to contact her and ask if you could meet for lunch again or even just some quick coffee.

If anything you deserve to have closure so that you can truly move on knowing that you tried everything and can possibly find someone that is right for you and appreciates you, I don't think we ever forget our first or true love; there are people who after 50 years still remember that first true love. If she doesn't want you back then you will know that you need to move on without her in your life romantically and maybe you can continue to stay friends if you are able to do that without romantic feelings. It has been 3 years so she might have moved on without you or may be dating someone and didn't want to tell you or hurt you and if you talk to her you will know for certain and the only way you can do that is to meet her and see where her head is at. If she doesn't agree to meet you then maybe she is pretty much saying that she has moved on and doesn't even want to consider the thought of getting back together, if she turns down your offer to meet then ask why she will not meet you even for coffee and hopefully she will give an honest response and then you will know whether to pursue this relationship or to just let it go and move on and find someone that you can have a long lasting relationship with and who appreciate you and loves you unconditionally. Let me know if you have anything to add.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
We also currently live 2 hours apart. I visit where she lives (it's my hometown) fairly often though, but I have a weird schedule because I work at a newspaper, and my weekends are normally Wed-Thur. So I think that complicated matters when I asked her to lunch this summer, she would have had to take a short lunch break from work to meet me.

If I do get the meeting with her, I'm not sure how to approach the topic. I would think that kind of question could end the meeting pretty quick, wouldn't you say? And If she says she is currently seeing someone, then should I even bring it up?

It could end the meeting if you do it as soon as you sit down what you should do if she agrees to the meeting is make small talk, ask how she is and what she has been up to things of that nature. It's pretty important to know if she is seeing someone before you meet that way you will know if the topic is even up for discussion. If she isn't seeing anyone I would bring up towards the end of the meeting but just don't wait until she is saying "Well I need to get going". This is something that is important for you to do in order for you to know exactly where you stand with her and if you have a chance at love again. Don't regret later in life never taking the chance to find out for sure and giving yourself closure if you don't do this now you will always wonder "what if" this way you will know and then you can make your decision about your future after that. If she says she still needs time then that is what you will have to give her so that she doesn't feel pressured into anything but 3 years is a long time to be apart and it is time for you both to make your decision so that there is no more wasted time.

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Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I sent her an email asking her to lunch or coffee, and she answered the next day. She said "Sure, sounds cool. Just let me know when or where." In my email, I included a line that said "if you are seeing someone and don't feel comfortable, that's cool". She didn't address that - should I assume the topic of us dating again is up for discussion?



Yes it could be up for discussion just get the time and place planned and then possibly ask her again is she doesn't answer your question again then take that at she is open to discuss things and when you meet be completely honest about your feelings and what you want from her, this way it won't be a guessing game and possibly her taking things the wrong way. This may be your only chance to truly tell her how you feel about her so don't let this chance get away. Remember to start out with small talk like "How have you been?" and "What have you been up to?" This way you will break the ice and make things more comfortable and remember this is not a stranger to you, you've dated her three and a half years so try not to be nervous this will show her that you really want this and are sure what you want. When you feel comfortable enough to say it tell her how much you have missed her in your life and see what her reaction on her face is. Ask her then if she hasn't answered your question in emails if she is currently dating someone and if so is it serious? After that take it from there with telling her how much you care about her and want her back. Keep a positive attitude! Good Luck to you.

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Coffee or lunch? What kind of setting is ideal? I kinda think I won't be able to eat a lot since I will probably be nervous. I'm a night person - I work 4pm-12am at a newspaper, so it's gotta be in the afternoon/evening. And what's a good amount of time to talk before telling her I miss her? (I know it may vary, its whenever I'm comfortable, but how long is too long?) Thank you for helping me!

Lunch will give you more time to build up the courage to tell her how you feel, if you go for coffee it won't give you that time you need to discuss everything you want to discuss with her. Make it a public Restaurant but some place where you can have privacy too. Give yourself about an half an hour before you start to talk about how you feel about her this would have given you enough time to get your food and start eating and you would have already had your small talk to lighten the mood. Make sure she has the time to stay longer than half an hour so that you will still have time to say everything you want to say to her. Good Luck to you!

Customer: replied 9 years ago.
It's taking a really long time to confirm the lunch. I suggested a place close to where she works (that I've never been to) assuming she still lived in that area. Five days later, she responds "I've never been to [restaurant]. And actually, I am living at home now." Then I suggested a new place closer to her parents' house. It's been over 3 days and she hasn't responded yet.

I was wondering why it might be taking so long for her to give a simple answer. I doubt it's a time/being too busy issue. I'm thinking this is in fact a big deal to her (whether it's that she still feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt me again, or she does want me back really bad), so she's taking a long time to really think about it. She might have also been embarrassed to admit she's living at home, I don't know.

She probably will answer eventually and meet me, but maybe I just need to be more patient and careful?