Hello Mr. Zee:
I am not trying to but in so to speak as I see that you have been working with Ms. Chase. Since you have already accepted her answer I would like to offer an additional thought from a different perspective.
I am a psychologist and one area of my work involves what we refer to as profiling. This means that we look for behaviors in people to determine what they are like. Though I do not know your wife, I am going to agree with you that you and your wife are not on are not on the same page.
Commitment to another in a relationship is much more than a marriage:
A marriage requires the following: 1) A license, 2) An individual that is authorized to legally officiate the ceremony, 3) Two people that are of the opposite sex that have agreed to recite the vows and sign the legal document that is referred to as a marriage license and 4) Two other people that are willing to sign the marriage license as witness for the purpose of indicating that they have observed the ceremony take place.
These elements, when combined represent a legal marriage.
When individuals join together in a committed relationship, it is common that they become legally married; however, this union requires a commitment from both people that will be maintained through the life span by each person and the elements of commitment are very different than those of a legal marriage.
These elements are: Reliability, Dependability, Honor, Respect and Trust. They are also reciprocal in that each element is shared and utilized by both people.
Two individuals that are in a committed relationship rely on one another to have their physical and emotional needs met and they depend on the other person for the same thing. In these two situations, the giver does so freely and from the heart, while the receiver accepts with graciousness and appreciation.
These two individuals do not shame the other while in or out of the home by way of word or behaviors because they honor the other person. They each view the other person as being part of them selves.
Additionally, these two individuals respect one another. Respecting each other does not mean that the two will always agree with one another for this is almost impossible through a life time together. It simply means that in the times that we don't agree we will be open minded to our partner and their needs as an individual as long as the need does not violate the commitment in any way.
Trust is the last element to discuss. Two people that are committed to one another trust each other and this is the element of the commitment that allows respect to enter in. Respect and trust allow each person in a committed relationship to be emotionally and/or spiritually free.
From what you have provided in your post it is noted that the essential elements of a committed relationship is not present in your union. If you have the need to dominate or have your wife behave in what you believe is appropriate it indicates that you do not respect her person or trust her.
Realizing that she has not been honest with you from the beginning with regard to this "man" indicates that she does not honor or trust you.
I wanted to share this with you so that you might understand the elements of a committed relationship; and, upon realizing this understand that when things appear to go wrong both people are generally responsible for this.
The good part is that even though trials as the one you are describing enter the relationship, the committed couple can work through the problem if both parties are willing.
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