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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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|If a man has been abused emotionally for 15 years and ...

Customer Question

|If a man has been abused emotionally for 15 years and is finally free but has stated to his potential girlfriend of being hurt, he finds he cannot go forward in this new relationship and uses any petty excuse to just drop it and run. What is the problem and how can it be resolved.|?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Little

Are you the man, the girlfriend, or?

How old are the two of you?

Abused emotionally by who?

What sort of petty excuses?

Any further information would be helpful


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I am the girlfriend age 43. He is 52. He was married for 30 years. For the last 15 years of their marriage she was a drug addict and he took a emotional and financial beating. Petty excuses:I used a common expression like (I hate what you did) He called me on Christmas and advised me he wants to break up with me and that he is going to marry someone else. He was just saying anything eventhough it was a lie just to break up with me. Another excuse is that I will impact his grown adult children's lives. He does make every effort to make this work other wise. We do communicate well and for the most part we are compatible. What is the problem and how can I work on it with him?
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
was my question dumped
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Littlem,

I apologize I had not seen your response. The both of you are at the age where you should be able to talk things out and not break up. Of course at this point, he will be afraid of anything that looks like it might hurt him. You have to make him see that its not your fault what he's been through, that he has to learn to deal with you on your own terms and if there's a problem, then you should talk about it. I'm not sure what you said to him, but maybe some things that you might think are petter, he may not see them as petty, and he might take things a little more to heart than the average guy. It's not going to be something that you can work on alone...he has to want to work on the relationship too for it to work. He may want to think about therapy, to help him get past some of the issues of his ex wife, or even better if the two of you can attend couples therapy, it would give you a good handle on working on your issues together and in a helpful way.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: We communicate well until I unknowingly hit a wrong chord. He shuts down totally,stops all contact with me for up to 2 months even. When he comes back he explains it was all him and his fear of having his heart fileted. I told him to sit down and think it thru so we can work on it together. This is his third time and the last time he said he was now sure of me, that I would not hurt him. He was masturbating over the phone and the next day I said to him "Thanks I didn't get any sleep hearing you do that. I hate you" You know the kidding around expression. Its the first time I ever used the word hate around him.The first two times he just didn't tell me we were having a time out but this time he emailed me not to contact him. The first two times I did not do anything and he told me it was just him. I handle stressful situations very well and he has told me its one of the things he admires me for.Does he have a phobia or fear that can be address?I want to put the tool in his hands,its the only thing he is not forthcoming about and what I need to know the most! Is he testing me about something? He knows I will work with him but maybe he doesn't how to express it or is ashamed to. I will then pay upon this reply.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.


The fear is that you really don't feel for him the way you say you feel for him. He's so fearful of getting hurt has him scared silly. What worries me the most is that he's able to walk away for 2 months at a time, that's not good to be able to "punish" someone your supposed to love.

The hardest thing is this has become a habit, the type of habit that can only get worse over is a way that he can control you. Every time he does it successfully, it confirms in his mind that this works for him. Now you can tell him that you won't stand for it, and if he does it again you'll leave, but he expects that you'll leave him anyway, and he's willing to take that chance rather than allow himself to get hurt.

The best thing is to keep talking. Let him know that you're not letting him push you away, that you're going to be there for him, even when he thinks he doesn't want you there. Let him know that you know he's been hurt but you did not hurt him, and he can't blame you for what's happened in his past.