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Ask Ms Chase Your Own Question
Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I was married for 19 years and got divorced when I was ...

Customer Question

I was married for 19 years and got divorced when I was 41..I started dating a year and a half later. Dated a few nice men and finally I met someone that I thought (think) I love. We''ve been together 11 years..he lives in his condo and I live in my house..which makes it very romantic. There is one problem, that in the future, I really do not see myself moving in with him or going further. We do not want to get married for many reasons. I have a big reason, I would lose my allimony completely, which is out of the question. I am a very young, full of life grandmother now..and even though I love Robert in many ways, I feel that emotionally, I am not committed 100 % to him, the way that he is to me. Shall I break up this time for good? I feel like I have a shell around me that protects me. Robert is kind, handsome and loving. Our sex is out of this planet and I know that he loves me deeply. I think that I may possibly harming him because of all these doubts in my mind...after these years!
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Is he insisting that you get married?

Any other relationship problems?

Im a little confused because you're saying "we" but say that you think you are harming him?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: No, he's not insisting at all...we were in complete agreement when we met that to get married again was pointless. It's not like we want to have children -- we both have done that -- I have "2" kids;one 28 and the other 26 - and he has a daughter 23...Yes, I think we do have "$$" problems-- He's very frugal and completely refuses to spend any money on trips etc. I have even told him that we can go dutch..(he's been spoiled in the past ..he works on "sales" for a huge firm and our previous trips to Europe, etc. were completely free...and because of that, he does not want to go anymore. For a long time we had great fun..we used to go to the theatre, operas,dancing; but for a year(?), things have taken a turn. His daughter now has decided that she wants to go to Law School and is presently living with him and has quit her of course, he's taking care of her car payments, insurance, weekly outings, etc. and I know exactly how he feels about that..but, still "she" is his daughter. The ex-wife does not even see the daughter or pay for any of her things. Is very important that you know that the daughter has always lived with him from the beginning of his divorce. I have a good relationship with the girl and she has mentioned to me her concern "about us" --that she knows that something has been wrong and she worries because hse does not want us to break up for good. Robert, I repeat, is a wonderful man. I do worry about him because he only works and saves money. He does not know how to do it another way. You have to learn how to live life fully and still be responsible. I understand how difficult it is for him to be able to do that when he still "sees himself" trapped with all the responsibilities of his daughter -- that really changes her mind quite often about her career choice(maybe 3 times!). I truly think that he's depressed about the whole money situation...a ton of bills a month to pay. He makes good money but has a lot of responsibilities. I have told him many times that I have noticed a big change -- he does not seem as happy as he was before, and when I ask him what's wrong, he says he's fine...just tired. We have never had problems in the sex dept. We have always seem a magical chemistry in that department. He gets mad at me when I tell him that having out of this world sex is great at 50+...but that I truly believe that is "not everything"..I lived abroad for a year when I was young and have travelled a lot. I kind of miss travelling more often. I do travel to NYC maybe one or twice a year to visit my daughter that lives in Manhattan...only twice,because she comes to Florida quite often to visit us during the year. What I am trying to tell you that I am right now at the right age to travel and have fun...because my child-rearing years are over and really the only thing to take care is leaving my little dog with my sitter friend. Any input you may have I truly appreciate. Sorry that I've written such a long answer, but it's hard to put everything that's important down on paper, in order for you to understand my situation better. I have a pretty good idea of what I need to do, but your advise would be helpful!..Thank you!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.


I'm getting from you that everything is good with the relationship, but you want to travel and do some nice things while you still can, but he's not in a position to do the same. Whether its because he refuses to spend money, leave his daughter or is not feeling like its a good time for him.

He shouldn't get mad at you for saying that out of this world sex is great for 50, because there are so many at that age that have trouble in that department. It is great when you can find someone who you have sexual as well as emotional energy with, regardless of age.

There's nothing wrong with staying in this relationship if you love him and you're both happy. There's nothing that says that a relationship needs to be a particular "way", you are the only one who needs to make a decision about how your life is, your life is what you make it. Period. If you feel that the two of you should make more of a commitment to one another, you could always have a gathering with closest friends and just have a commitment ceremony. If you feel that you need to take a break and do some things for yourself then that's ok too. It's really all about what you need right now. He's already doing what he thinks he needs to do, and you are entitled to decide whats best for you.

I'm a little unsure if I've hit upon what you are asking, but I certainly welcome your thoughts. Let me know if you want to talk more.