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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I think my husband is cheating and I wonder if I ...

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I think my husband is cheating and I wonder if I should try and find out for sure. He moved out just before Thanksgiving to an apartment to take time to figure out whether he wants to stay married or not. We have 3 children and I would love to work on the marriage with him but he cringes when i touch him.. things have happened that suggest he may be lying about ending an inappropriate relationship he had with a co-worker/assistant. My kids are starting to catch him in lies. My daughter found some text messages on his phone when they spent the night for only the second time since he moved out, a couple of days ago. He tells me he wants me to stay hopeful that he is going to work through this but I feel he might be playing me for a fool. He has said he will get counseling but never makes the appointment. Yesterday he said he would file for the divorce this week but today he doesn''t even mention it. He spend New Year''s Eve with friends getting very drunk. What do you suggest?
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hi charlotte

How long have you been married?

Has he ever cheated before that you know of?

How old are the two of you?

When is the last time the two of you were intimate?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
We have been married for 16 years and we met and have been together for 21 years.

He has never cheated on me that I know of and he has a very not flirty type personality (which I would associate with the kind of guy that normally cheats).

I almost 45 and he is 42 1/2.

We were intimate about one week prior to his moving out. He told me he no longer wanted to be married about mid August and after that we were intimate about 2 or 3 times. The girl he had an inappropriate relationship with is 27 and he claims that they ended everything mid October and that is started the first of September. She is going through a divorce and her husband is naming my husband as a party to their custody battle to show that her character is bad because she had an affair with a married man.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hi Charlotte,

I find that there's no cheating "type". Not with men or women, because it's always the ones you think won't cheat, that wind up doing it. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I must say that his moving out is a very good indication that he's likely keeping up the affair with this other woman, additionally its not indicative of wanting to work things out. He's basically showing you (and the children) that he's made a complete break. I'm also concerned that you said he cringes from you, thats not good at all.

If he says he's going to file for divorce, then think about taking it seriously and think about how you will move on from this. If he's willing to go to counseling then there may be a chance of working things out, but it seems like he's not putting in as much effort as he should, which is certainly not fair to you, but without counseling he may not know or care about that.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.



Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Thanks for your insight. I think my real question at this point is should I try and find out for sure if he is lying at this point? I do want to say that he has stopped cringing and always makes sure he hugs goodbye when he hugs the children goodbye. He also says that he loves and respects me he just doesn't feel an attraction to me anymore due to what he experienced with the other women. What I really want to know is should I make a few phone calls to a couple of people that might be able to give me some answers or should I just let it go? I feel like I can't go on with my life because he leaves me in this gray space but to try and trust him at this point is almost impossible because I have caught him in so many lies.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
My question was (per my first e-mail): I thnk my husband is cheating and I want to know if I should try to find out for sure. What do you suggest?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.


If it will help you to get closure and move on, then I would say yes. If this person is telling you that they may want to work things out, and has you hanging on a string while they do whatever they want, then it is completely up to you if you want to find out the truth. As they say the truth will set you free...maybe this will be something that can help you move forward and end his lies once and for all. Of course if you want to talk more I am here.


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I couldn't stand it and didn't wait for your reply and went ahead and tried to talk with the person that I thought might give me some answers. She happens to be another co-worker but because she is a women who has had her own marrital problems (according to my husband) I thought she might be sympathetic to my plight. She wasn't and was very short with me and basically didn't prove or disprove the incident from Friday that I was trying to confirm. I found out later (from him) that he was standing next to her when I called. This has created more problems than it was worth seeing how I still don't have any confirmation. He is still saying that is it over and has been over with this other women and that he was just fishing to see what her response would be when he sent the text message on Sunday saying that he loved her and missed her. He is saying at this point that she never responded. In your previous response you indicated that you felt he has been cheating with her this entire time. He always has what seems to me a somewhat reasonable excuse for things. Do you think I should just let it go at this point and quit trying to figure out if he is cheating or not? He says his plan is to file for the divorce within the next week.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

If his plan is to file for divorce then does it still matter to you what he's doing? From everything you've said it sounds like there was certainly something going on. I can't say for how long or to what extent, but you don't just tell someone you work with that you love don't tell your wife you're not attracted to her because of another woman who you were NOT involved with, it makes no sense.

If he cheated with this woman, from everything you told me, it sounds like he still is. Even if he is not cheating with her anymore, he's filing for divorce, so whatever he does will no longer be cheating anyway. Is he filing because of this woman, or simply because he's saying he's not happy? I'm not sure which one would hurt me more, but the best thing for you to do at this point is to focus on yourself and let him figure out what he wants to do. Try to keep the kids out of the middle of it and take some time to do something nice for Charlotte for a change. Get your hair done, paint the house, take a trip, anything that will make you feel better about you and everything you are going through right now.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more, or if anything has changed or happened since we last spoke.