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how to end my marriage separation and be back together with my husband

Customer Question
How do I get my...
How do I get my man back. He doesn't want to try, he's not in love anymore.
We both tried, but not at the same time. He says it's over, I say it's not.
He's really one of those good guys. We've been married for 22 years. Do I
stop being nice and mirror his words that our marriage is maybe over? We've
been separated for 7 months, nothing legal though. I really miss him and he does
say that he loves and cares for me and would do anything, just not in love. He said
he'd even jump infront of a train for me. I've looked at myself and made myself a better
person. I won't even argue anymore, not with him or anyone else, I just can't seem to
be able to that anymore. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Submitted: 11 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 20 hours by:
7/10/2006
Counselor: Perfectly Flawed, Advisor replied 11 years ago
Perfectly Flawed
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 0
Experience: Many years of experience in love/relationship consulting and advice.
Verified
Being in love with someone isnt a descision. If he says he doesnt love you anymore, its not a choice he made. I would ask him what you can do, if anything, to make him give you a chance at a new start. Listen to what he says.
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Customer reply replied 11 years ago
Reply to Perfectly Flawed's Post: I've already asked him what to do to have a
fresh start. He says there is nothing I can
do and he doesn't want to try. What I find odd
is that he is staying at his mom's place. He
says he feels like a failure due to personal
financial issues he has but says they are my
fault and will not forgive me for it. I know
they are not my fault. I also know he is not
himself due to this so I am being patient. He
has only his work stuff and some clothing with
him. Everything else is still at the house.
He hasn't even pushed to sell the house, it
was for sale but not anymore. There are so
many sentimental items of his here and other
things that I could get rid, I'm not like that
though. He avoids trying to clear up any
issues, he prefers to sweep them under a rug
than deal with them. I won't get straight
answers from him, he beats around the bush.
I try to boost his ego but am now at a loss.
I think that deep down he is in love but doesn't
know how to deal with his own personal issues
and won't look at himself, only blame others.
I don't think he's having an affair with anyone
so as to diffuse his problem but who knows. I
want to keep our family together and feel he
is worth not giving up on. What to do?
Counselor: Walter, Relationship Mentor replied 11 years ago
Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11,528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Verified

Hi,


I can understand how you feel 22 years is a long time to walk away from. You have built your relationship from the ground up and to walk away now would be a difficult task.


I am sure there are other factors here, as there always are, ;0). But if you love your husband and you feel that he still love's you, then there is always a chance to work things out and in the end your relationship ,may be stronger then ever.


Please understand that this is not something that will happen over night or something you can put a band aid on. Love is a very complicated feeling. You can love someone with your whole heart for the rest of your life. But the true being in love with each other is allot more complicated and needs work everyday. It sounds as though your husband feels that you have grown apart.


The only chance you have to repair your relationship is to get his cooperation in he matter. You both have to work together to find out where your relationship went down. And you both need to work together to find the things that made you fall in love to begin with. I know this is a difficult task, but it is the only way you can fix this. I would suggest that you ask him if you can get together and talk. Explain to him how much you love him and acknowledge that you understand and respect his feelings. Ask him if you and him could go back to the way you ere would he. If he says yes, then tell him your plan. (I will explain the plans below).


1: Explain to him that you want to determine where your relationship went and see if there is any chance of a repair. Ask him if he is willing just one time in your relationship to address the issues and work together. Tell him that you think if he would give this a chance and really work at it. That in he end you will go along with his decision, if he will give this a shot. Relationship counseling, your counselor can help you both work though all the mess to find the root of your problems. She/he will also show you ways to explain to each other what it is that hurt/upset/angered each other in the first place.


If you want a shot back at this relationship, this is the only way to go. In the end you both have to agree to work on this, or it will not work. Free will is not something you can change or bend to your will. If he truly will not agree to work on this and just wants it to end. Then you will have to respect his decision in life and let it go. What ever problems he needs to deal with he will soon realize had nothing to do with you in the first place. He may after time realize this and want to come back. If you want him back that is fine but either way Counseling will be needed in order to get to the root of the problem as it will come back to haunt you latter in life.


I wish you the best.


Melissa

Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11,528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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