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Vickie, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 85
Experience:  27 years relationship experience, 14 years happily married, have counseled many
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he left me to go back for his kids

Customer Question

I met this great guy 7 months ago at a party.We click and things went well but before i begin, here are some things that you might want to know. When
we met, both of us a separated and not divorce yet.I left the home cause my
husband was abusive and he left the home as he says that there is no longer love
in the marriage. He’s been married for 15 years and have 2 boys, 11 and 8.I’ve
been married for 8 years and have 2 girls 8 and 4 years.When we start dating, we
both are living in our own places.Things went really well. We both were
passionately in love with each other. He even plan for the future to be with me
after we’ve been seeing for about 4months then out of the blue, he send me a
text saying that he don’t want to be answerable to anyone anymore.I tried to
contact him every day but he just ignored my calls for a week till i went to his
place and he told me what was bothering him.Basically, he can’t seems to focus
anymore and he felt guilty for being happy when with me when his kids are very
depressed with the break up of the marriage.His wife is not giving up on him.She
give him hell for leaving the marriage.He left her once 5 years ago but came back again for the kids.His wife refused to let him see his kids unless she is
presence and he can’t deal with that. So he avoided them till his divorce comes
though to get access.Anyway, after meeting him at his place, we got back
together and we’re happy again.He gets along well with my children and we see
each other every day.I love him a lot and never doubted his love when he is wit
me but during this period, he did not see his boys and i know he misses them
very much.I’ve asked him before if he ever will reconcile with the wife but he
always say never!There is no point when both had affairs and were caught and
there is no trust in the marriage.Things were really good till last week, he
said that he is meeting with her to finalize everything so that he can get rid
of her once and for all and want to see the boys.After he came back, he broke
the news and tell me that he needs to reconcile one more time for the sake of
his kids as they are in counselling right now and can’t seem to be able to cope
with their dad not being around for the past 7 months.He broke off the
relationship with me cause he says there is no other way he can do this.He need to make it clean cause he can’t see his boys suffer.I am shocked with this
decisions to just get back in just one day.He says that i am a special person
and that he is sorry. He does not even know if it will work in the first
place(getting back into the marriage)his divorce and mine are actually going to
finalize in about 3 months and he is giving it up!when i called him to ask if he
still loves her, he said no and he is doing this because of his kids and it’s
not because our relationship is not working out.I am so depress after this
incident, i am very sad that things turn out this way.I really thought we both
have a future together.I want him back but what should i do? he do miss me but
i’m not sure about now.I have stop contacting him cause he won’t speak or meet
me. I know the reasons he does not want to meet me cause it will just complicate
matters. I don’t believe his marriage witl work again cause i know she don’t
trust him at all.She knows about us. I want to win him back cause i truly
believe he is the one for me.I also found out that he is still going ahead with the divorcce, he told me that he can’t have me anywhere near the horizon or he won’t get to see his kids.Please help me, i really feel right with him and i know he still cares and loves me but not enough to sacrifice his kids which i am not asking him to!

Submitted: 12 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  becat replied 12 years ago.


I realize this is tough, but you can't blame him for wanting his boys. No matter what, someone's children are more important in the long run. You won't give up your girls, would you? Once you have kids the rules change. I think it says good things about a man that thinks his kids come first, before himself. It doesn't make it easier for you. Here you have a guy trying to do what is right.

With a marriage that lasted 15 years, there are many ends to tie up properly, so that you could move on. If he is still going ahead with the divorce and it's as soon as 3 months, your best bet is to give him the space he needs. He may be trying to make things easier for the children and for himself. He might feel he has a better chance in court dealing with custody. He may feel that it's best not to stress them more than they are now. He needs timee to work this out for himself.

You don't have to give up, he may be back when the divorce is a done deal. Visitation is in writing and ordered by the court. He simple may be on overload with the thoughts of his children hurting so badly and the divorce. Seems all too possible that you might have to step back if you really want to be with him. Let him do it the way that he needs to, so that his heart is free to give to you.

I'm so sorry this seems like a rotten answer, but it's not. You may have found a man with heart and honor. He knows the value of a good family. He knows what it means to be there for his kids. He would be more likely to do the same for your girls if things work out. You want a future with this man, with your girls. He wants a future with his boys. I think it's a brave thing to sacrifice his wants and you to be the father he is.

Don't give up, just give it time and space. You've had a time when there was too much on your plate to sort it out. He's there right now. If you love him, you'll want his happiness too. Don't push, but support. He'll remember when it's done who was there for him.

I hope things go well. My best wishes to you.


Expert:  Vickie replied 12 years ago.
I know that you must be having a hard time right now as you have been though a lot. I'm sorry though, as I think that I probably have a different point of view, and you might not want to hear what I have to say. You say that your guy and his wife have been together 15 years, and have 2 sons together. In my oppinion there may be more there than meets the eye. I know that you say that you have had a wonderful relationship together, and that you are in love with him. But - I think that he might be having a hard time leaving his wife, because he may still have feelings for her also. You can not have been together for that amount of time and just end your family all at once. He obviousley loves his children very much, and it is tearing him up that they are having such a hard time with the way things have been going. Going through a divorce is such a hard thing for children, and he knows it. But leaving his family after 15 years would be a hard thing also. When you met this man, he might have been seperated, but he was not divorced yet. Unfortunately this may have been your first mistake. If he is seperated from his wife, and they are obviousley fighting, and he is wanting someone else for a short time - what is he going to tell you? Of course he is going to say bad things about her, how they don't get along, how he wants a divorce etc.etc. I'm not to sure that you weren't being used. I know that it is a tough thing to think about because you want to think that they love you, and of course they will say that - but the thing is - he keeps going back to his wife, he ignores your calls, he avoids you until they are arguing you see? I'm not saying at all that he doesn't love his children, because it really sounds like he does, but I can't help but wonder if he is using them as an excuse to keep going back. This is what he has done in the past, and unfortunately you have bought it every time. I know that he said that he is still divorcing her - but do you really know that for sure? are you willing to put you and your daughters life on hold for who knows how long until he gets his life straightened out, and decides once and for all who or what it is that he really wants? You're taking a big chance that he will be with her and his sons for a very long time. What about your children? what about you? Don't you think that you deserve someone that isn't already pretty much taken - that can give you and your children his all? Unfortunately I think that you have fallen into the same ole trap that many many women have gotten themselves into by falling for a married man. And until those divorce papers are in your hand - he is still married, wether they're fighting and seperated or not. It is a terrible thing that you and your children have been hurt so by this, But dear you know they say that "love is blind", and I think that you're right about there now. Life is to short to live this way, and if you continue "waiting" for this man to figure out just what he does want, your children could be grown, and you sitting there writing the same letter 10 years from now. Do you see what I mean? Your daughters deserve someone that can be the daddy they need, and that someone else is out there. Anytime you get involved with a married man (or one that is "in the process of a divorce"), you are playing with emotional dynamite! I'm sorry, I know that this is not what you wanted to hear - but maybe it is something that you should think about. You and your children deserve more, and unfortunately, I don't think at the moment that this is the man that is going to be able to give it to you. Maybe I am all wrong, but your story really tugged at my heart, as I have known many women in your same situation that grew to be older women that were still waiting. Most of the time these men never leave there wives, they just find new women to complain to, and to feel sorry for them - plus get a little extra benifits on the side. Im sure you know what you're doing with all of this, just don't end up old and lonely while they celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Good luck with everything - you are in my prayers!