What could that be if 4 year old child gets very upset if…

Hello, again!

From all your descriptions, it's possible that your son (which is not uncommon for this age) is just being stubborn and feels he wants things done his way all the time; however, his behavior might be in accordance with a certain kind of autism, insisting that things are done in a certain order, with or without you, etc. Here is an excerpt from: https://www.lifehack.org/787477/signs-of-autism-in-children

"Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day)."

I'm not suggesting this to alarm you, but just to inform you that if your son does have some symptoms of autism, your next best step would be to have him evaluated by a doctor or therapist, licensed and experienced in testing and treating young children for types of autism and then, if the outcome is 'yes', this is the diagnosis, you will be given tools to help treat this and hopefully, modify his behavior. If you feel that your son might be resistant to this type of evaluation in an office setting (but, set up especially for children), see if you can speak with a therapist alone, first, and perhaps invite him/her to your home for a period of time when this behavior is most prevalent, introduce him or her as a friend of yours, by first name and allow him/her to observe your son's behavior in his own home. I think this might be beneficial for him and you.

It's usually difficult to argue with a 4 year old, as you have found out, but, you are the parent and you are in charge. He may just be 'testing' you to see how far he can go. If you don't give in to his unreasonable demands and explain that you are the parent and this is the proper way to do things, if he throws a tantrum or become aggressive, stay as calm as possible, try to talk to him and as long as you don't think he'd do anything to hurt himself or break something, you can tell him you're giving him some time to calm down and you're leaving the room, but will be back soon and hopefully, he will be feeling in a better mood. Ignoring tantrums is best. Giving in to his requests and withstanding tantrums when you don't, is just proving to him that he is the one in control and that way of thinking on his part, must be changed; YOU are in control and he must recognize and respect that.

If he can't help this behavior, because he is on the autism spectrum, as I mentioned, a doctor/therapist trained in this area with children his age, will be able to test him and let you know the conclusions and give you ideas on how to address his behavior to help him in the future, as he grows older.

The fact that he is not doing the same things in pre-school and not arguing with the teacher about doing a certain activity, etc., in a certain order, is curious and makes me think that he's just testing you and seeing how far he can push you, to do it 'his' way.

I hope you're able to make an appointment with a qualified professional to evaluate your son and then, you will know more.

I wish you much good luck and hope that this is just a minor phase he's going through and you will be able to work with him to undo these unfortunate habits, if possible.

I hope you found this answer useful/helpful and please let me know if you need any additional information related to your original question and I will be glad to continue our conversation. Thank you!

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Kind regards,

Cher

Your excellent rating is highly appreciated; thank you very much!

I hope all will be well with your son!