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My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my…

My 11 year old stepdaughter...
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my boyfriend and I, we live together, and one of her biggest issues is that she doesn’t stop lying, her lies go from “I didn’t do it-to lying to the police by doing police reports based on lies. My boyfriend somehow feels “guilty” of having 2 previous marriages that didn’t work out, his 11 year old is from the first marriage and boyfriend feels guilty about biological mother not being pretty much in her life. I’ve been with boyfriend for about 2 years, 11 year didn’t really have any manners, nor she showered everyday, acted like a spoiled kid, was brainwashed by boyfriends mother to not like me and she will cause problems like “not eating when we will go out for dinner all of us together”, not obeying to behave, she even told me one day that “she hates her stepmom”, because boyfriends mom is psycho and was being manipulative with boyfriends 11 year old, we got a 3 year old restraint order a year ago against her, she hasn’t seen evil grandma for over a year and 11 year old was getting better until she started seeing biological mother again. I’ve done everything from cooking for 11 year old, I tutored her, I take her to school everyday, went to teacher’s conference, gave her advise, taught her manners, respect and chores, but for some reason 11 year old can’t stop lying. My boyfriend works about 70 hours a week, he doesn’t see his 11 year old much cos of this, most of the time he doesn’t want to bother “disciplining daughter”, he doesn’t want to talk about it and gets very upset and protective of his 11 year old. I have to mention that his 11 year old even made up once a rumor that “my boyfriend hired his ex to work with him”, 11 year old said this when she saw my boyfriends friend working at his office, he never dated this woman, but his 11 year old maliciously said to me “they dated before”. Right now I’m dealing with his 11 year old having lice again for like the 4x in 18 months, I’m akwsys paranoid of getting them and because I’m sick of dealing with his 11 year old, boyfriend was going to help cleaning her hair but today he flat out declined helping me because I was “telling him I don’t want to discipline anymore his 11 year old” as he said he wants me to do 1/2 of the discipline, I asked him what exactly what that means and he said 1/2 of discipline, I’m thinking to myself “how are you supposed to do that to begin with”??? A year ago boyfriend said he will send daughter to military school if she caused one more problem, that didn’t happened. Between that time his daughter started not obeying me, she started being mean and self fish with his other sister and 11 year old committed perjury on several police reports. My boyfriend trying to keep his 11 year old, as placed us a financial burden as his crazy psycho mother hired an attorney and is bribing biological mother to show up to court and is bringing biological mother to sell her custody time by having boyfriends brother spend time with his 11 year old instead of her. We had to fight this and in between this, my boyfriend lost his 11 year old job he had, after he lost his job, I also end up losing my only car I had as he was making payments to but we got behind because of all these court hearings and attorney fees we had to pay and boyfriend hasn’t been able to find a stable job since he was fired from his old job. I used to work but boyfriend and I decided I will stay home instead and he will pay all the bills a few months after we met. Today he also blamed me for “f**king up his day”, he said I only have hate towards his 11 year old, this after he declined to go clean her hair due to lice. Boyfriend doesn’t want 11 year old to see a specialist as he says she’ll make lies and child services will investigate us for no reason.. Sep 2016 his 11 year old made up lies about boyfriend physically abusing her, of course this was with the help of his psycho mom, the police came and open a case to investigate and of course everything said by his 11 year old and his mom were just lies. As you see, I’m tired of this “situation”, I get angry just by looking at his 11 year old, I don’t want nothing to do with her, but I’m the one that still has to feed her and take her to school, I guess I have a lot of resentment towards her that boyfriend cannot comprehend, he says “I’m the problem”, hardly ever acknowledge his 11 year old is no saint. Now boyfriend told me that if I want his 11 year old away to military? That I have to get rid of my 19 year old because according to him “she’s a Fin burden”, my 19 yr old works at retail and putting herself in make up school but pay us some rent, she help us babysit or pick up the kids at schoool too. It breaks my heart how self fish he is and I’m really thinking that this has no solution. Please help.
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Answered in 7 minutes by:
1/2/2018
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3,931
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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This 11 year old will continue on this path until her father steps up and decides to parent her...setting rules and boundaries and letting her know that you are also able to enforce these rules and boundaries. She lies for attention and to have the focus on her and cause issues between the adults. And all of the adults are falling in line and bending over backwards to make her okay. Rules and boundaries are what helps children feel safe and right now she has no discipline so she is allowed to run her life and others. Yes she could benefit from therapy and yes so could he.

The larger question is...why do you stay?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I stay because in overall he’s a good man and I love him. I also came from divorce parents and I wasn’t even born in this country, but my mom raised me and taught me to be a good kid, my mom is “old fashioned”, boyfriend in overall thinks “I’m too strict”, TV was taken away for a year for the 11 year old after all her lies and behavior, literally he thinks “this is enough punishment” I’m like thinking “no”, so he thinks this is enough punishment and if she misbehaves or lies again, she shouldn’t “get more punish”. My boyfriend grew up with money and I grew up earning everything in my life, I’m more strict and I have no zero tolerance for lies or misbehavior, he always comes up with “what else you want me to do”? Is very frustrating and I’m very disappointed how he reacts to it. As we speak, he’s letting his 11 year old watch tv right now, he doesn’t stick to rules and his 11 year old is manipulative. I myself was married twice before and that didn’t work out, I want this relationship to work out but I know people cannot change unless that change is within their hearts... Sometimes I doubt myself and question “where did I go wrong with his daughter”? I had given his 11 year old nothing but love and treated her like my own but of course that decreased with time and sometimes his 11 year old acts like a 4 year old, of course then I start asking her “you’re not dumb, why do you act like one”? So on and so on. I’ve been crying on and off on this since yesterday.
I understand where you're coming from. But you did not go wrong anywhere...unless he steps up and sets boundaries and sticks to them this behavior will continue. So I would go to him and continue to talk about what is needed for her to be the best human being that she can not just now but as an adult and the foundation starts now.. you love him you want his help but things need to change in terms of the rules, boundaries and expectations.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
As far as I’m understanding, his 11 year old is doing all this for attention? She knows daddy will bend rules and doesn’t this makes her, manipulative? Being mean to her sister and self fish to her is for attention as well? Also if I’m not 24/7 on her for homework, the 11 year old starts failing classes with D’s, boyfriend tries to justify 11 year old “not being comitted” in school by saying that our “school district is harder than her old school district from 2 years ago”, he’s always trying to find excuses for her behavior, wouldn’t you agree “his love is blind and is causing more damage than anything”?

Sounds like she is carrying around a lot of hurt from all the break ups and she manages that pain by causing issues and having the focus be on her at all times no matter what. Again, things aren't likely to change unless he is on board.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
You mean, he’s carrying around a lot of pain from his previous relationships? You said, “she” on last email. I’m sorry I’m a little confused. Ima not in all my rights to refuse to help him co-parenting her? Isn't normal to feel “resentful & angry” towards his 11 year old and him? I feel betrayed and used by both of them. 11 year old lies everyday pretty much, so pretty much there’s not one week we don’t argue about his 11 year old, but he wants to blame me saying that “I’m picking fights with her and just want to tourture her. I tell him a lie is a lie and she’s actually gotten worse in her lies with time.

She...the 11 year old!

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Ok. So, ima crazy to feel all these negative feelings towards her? I don’t feel like doing anything at all.

Not at all. she encourages those feelings. go easy on yourself but again, it has to come from him.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3,931
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Ok. Thank you for all your advise. I thought I was the bad step parent here but you made me realize I’m not the problem. I will rate you right now. Thank you again.

You are doing all you can..he needs to get on board.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank you.
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