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My son is 6 years old, he had a sleepover last night with…

My son is 6 years...
My son is 6 years old, he had a sleepover last night with his best friend whom he has known for 2+ years now. I have had his friend sleep over before, with no issues ever. They told me they wanted boy time, they ended up in the closet of my sons bedroom. They knew there behavior was going to be inappropriate which is why they went in there. My son was not the aggressor, for the things that were done and discussed my son has no clue about. But his friend asked him to lick is penis and balls. My son did, then my sons friend did it back to him as well. There was also other conversations about putting penises in each other's butts. I was told this did not take place. My son told me he knew it was wrong and inappropriate but did it anyway. I immediately called my sons friend and told her everything(her and I are friends as well) my sons friend is telling his mom it all came from my son but I really don't believe that. Her and I are just trying to figure this out and where to go, how to seek help, should we be concerned. I am devastated by this!! Please help point me in the right directions as to what to do and how to help my son deal with all this!
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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
I am sorry my son is 7...my brain just really isn't working properly right now.
Answered in 8 minutes by:
9/23/2017
Cher
Cher, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 21,751
Experience: Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2
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Hi, I'm Cher. Welcome to JustAnswer.

I'm reviewing your question right now and will post back in a short while. Thank you for your patience.

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Okay I appreciate that very much!
Customer reply replied 12 months ago
I would like to have a live phone call however cannot afford that right now! :(

You're most welcome!

Don't worry about the phone call; I did not offer it, but the website automatically does.

I'm working on your answer right now.

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Thanks so much!

No problem.

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Hello again, and thanks for your patience.

I am composing your answer now, and will send it soon.

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Ok great thank you!
Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Are you still there?

Hi,

I'm sorry that this happened and you are so worried about it. But, so far, you've taken all the correct steps in speaking openly with your son, when he came to you with this information and also, in speaking to the other boy's mother.

The activities that the other boy asked your son to do, at this age, are considered likely to be about curiosity and natural exploration, and is not uncommon in both boys and girls. It’s important that you explain to your son, that touching other people’s 'privates' and/or allowing other people to touch his, is not appropriate, but he shouldn’t be reprimanded or made to think he's been naughty.

However, it’s important to consider whether either child has had any exposure to sexual abuse or online pornography, which may mean they are acting out in a sexual way that is dangerous to both themselves and others. I'm sure you would know if your son had any exposure to this at your house, but because his friend was the aggressor, it's very possible that he was exposed to these kinds of actions at his house or another boy's house. "someone" most likely showed him something physical or did something similar to him, which he 'shared' with your son.

I think the boy knows it's 'naughty,' because they hid in the closet to do this.

You need to be very casual about this and not make your son feel he did anything bad, but just remind him that his privates are his privates and no one but him are allowed to touch them.

He did the right thing in refusing, when his friend said to put each others' penises in their butts.

I'm not surprised that the other mother denied that her son would ever do such a thing. Don't lose a friend by arguing with her; you told her what your son related and if she spoke to her son and he denied it, he probably did so, to not get in trouble. This friend of your son's seems much more 'educated' and aware, sexually, and he got his knowledge from someplace.

These are my suggestions to deal with the matter with your son, if you have not, already, and don't mention it again, unless he brings it up. Needless to say this friend is no longer welcome to have sleepovers with your son, at your house or at his house. If asked, just make an excuse that your son is doing something else.

If this is bothering you so much, you can make an appointment to see a therapist and talk it over with him/her, to get some other ideas.

I hope this helped.

I hope you feel that I have given you Great Service. If so, a 5 star rating would be appreciated. Your rating should be based solely on my answer and not any site issue. Experts are not compensated for their assistance, until a positive rating is given.

If you have any other, related questions, please reply here, and I'll be happy to follow up with you at no additional charge, even after you have rated.

Thank you very much!

Warmest wishes,

Cher

Cher
Cher, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 21,751
Experience: Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2
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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
I do find your advice helpful thanks so much, my last question and concern about this is, should I inform the not so much involved homophobic parent of this matter?

I'm glad you found my advice helpful, and you're most welcome.

My apologies for the delayed answer, as I was ready to answer you immediately, on your follow-up question, but the system 'froze' my communication with you, after you opted me out. Very frustrating!

The time stamps for you opting me out of the question and my sending the question are identical. Once you opt me out, I can no longer communicate with you. I had a lot to say, as you saw, and that's why the answer took a while to send. I was just on my last sentence when you asked, "Are you still there?" and instead of sending you an answer to that, I chose to send my answer, which was then, complete and ready to send. I requested a moderator for help, so I could reply to your last question and that just took place.

Unless I misunderstood, I thought your already contacted the parent, who is also your friend. If you were referring to another parent of another child, then, yes, I think you should contact the parent of the boy who slept over your house. Just present the situation in a calm manner, you can tell her that it did upset you and your son, but you understand at this age, boys will be experimenting, etc. and ask if her son has been exposed to any sexual material at his home or elsewhere, and/or has been asking any sexual questions, recently . Also, ask if her son told her of this incident. Tell her that your son is very innocent about these things and he wasn't the one who started this activity, so together, how can you both make sure it doesn't happen again? Try to phrase your words, so you're not 'blaming' her son or sound angry, and causing her to become defensive. Ask her to just 'check it out' with her son.

If she's not so involved and is homophobic, you might not get far, but tell her you felt it was important for her son's well-being, to inform her that this incident took place.

Thank you very much for your great rating; it is highly appreciated.

Please keep me posted on what the parent says and how things are going with your son. If he seems extremely upset or his habits/personality change, and this lasts for a while, it might be a good idea to have him see a child psychologist to help him and you sort it out and prevent him from feeling guilty or 'naughty' or upset any longer. It WAS an upsetting incident for your son and you'd want him to get over it/forget it and move on.

Warmest wishes,

Cher

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Cher your awesome and I am absorbing all your are saying to me. Sorry for opting you out, I didn't mean to cause delay for you, I just felt desperate and was waiting at my computer for you. :( but sorry for being impatient! I was referring to my sons father, should I tell him or leave that to my son to share the experience with him? He is acting a little off and I feel he is hiding stuff from me and the story has changed on and off since last night! He keeps complaining of his arm hurting, last night I was told he was pulled back in the closet(assuming by the arm) but now he says he didn't say that!! I am just so sad!! I took your advice and did what you said, I am trying to just act like everything is normal...reminded him about private parts being private even though we have discussed it so much previous!! Cher I am concerned b/c I am angry with my friend and her son....as I am sitting here in devastation they are on a boat like nothing is wrong! She said she can't get much out of him! He admitted to me last night he did it all and then goes home and blames my son!! I am rambling!! I know you get paid for all this...I literally have no one I trust to talk to this about!! And I don't want this to haunt my son forever or have the wrong people know!! His father I don't feel would handle this as delicate as it is!! I will come up with some more money to chat!! Thanks so much for your time
Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Is my son seeing his friend at school everyday going to resurface what happened? They already have this love hate relationship one day they get along the next they don't. It's like this boy antagonizes my son, and lies on him all the time!! Why did my son do all this knowing it was wrong, maybe I need the therapy!! lol god this is a moms worst nightmare!! Should I tell him not to discuss it at school with him?? I am completely lost!!

Hi again, and thanks for your very helpful reply.

Thanks for your apology and don't worry about the opting out; it was done and now it's undone. I understand your anxiety and anger over this and I would feel the same way, if it were my son and be impatient for an answer, asap.

You're not rambling and I'm glad you feel you can trust me with this most important question; also, there is no further charge for follow-ups, to a degree. You hadn't mentioned that you spoke with the other boy last night and he admitted he was the aggressor, but then, he went home and told his mother your son started it.

If your son keeps changing his story, it may be because he's ashamed that he allowed his friend to talk him into what he did and/or he doesn't want to lose him as a friend.

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
I am glad it is undone!! He is changing up maybe because of both the reasons you suggested!! I didn't include everything in my initial statement for I was I don't know....again very weird and sad time

I just received your additional reply. I think you should try to slowly dissolve this friendship and you can even explain to the teacher that although they're 'friends,' it's a 'love/hate' relationship and this other boy has done and said things about your son that are akin to bullying. Ask her not to say anything to the boys, unless she actually sees something happening in class or at recess, etc. You don't have to tell her what happened at the sleepover.

I don't think your son seeing his friend every day at school, cause anything to resurface. However, the other boy may try. He seems very savvy and would not do anything in open sight. He might ask your son to go into a closet or other private room at school and just tell your son, if this happens, to refuse and walk away. If the boy tries to pull him in that direction, to find his teacher or a supervising adult and tell him/her that this boy is bothering him.

I'm not finished........I have more to say, but am sending my answer in parts, so you know I'm still with you and am still typing.

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Your amazing and thanks for the advice as I read I am in tears but at least I feel I have a direction that I can go with all this!! �� thanks for reassuring me you are still here

Regarding your son's father, from the way you describe him as not being very involved and homophobic, I wouldn't mention anything to him right now. If your son says something to him and his father gives you an argument for not sharing this with him, just say you took care of it and it's normal behavior for boys this age--and girls, too! Don't allow him to be angry with your son and make things worse, IF he should find out or be told by your son.

This situation IS an upsetting and sad one, to a parent, but try not to obsess about it and calm yourself down. You DO have options and I'm happy to reassure you and and give you directions to take.

If your son continues to complain about his arm, take him to his pediatrician. If the doctor asks how this happened, let your son answer. You might even leave the room and say, "Oh, where is the restroom?" Without you in the room, he might mention this to the Dr. But, his arm should definitely be checked out.

Don't say anything further to your friend, the other boy's mother, at this time, unless she brings it up to you, then let her do most of the talking.

Seeing a therapist or psychologist on your own, may be a very good idea and I suggested that in my previous answer, so check that out, tomorrow.

Everything will be okay, and time will heal all wounds, so this is just one unfortunate incident that will soon be forgotten by your son. It's still fresh in your mind and it will eventually move to the back of your mind, while other, better memories take its place.

If you ever don't get an answer from me, right away, it means I'm offline, sleeping, or helping another client, but once I see your question, I will answer as soon as possible.

Warmest regards,

Cher

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Customer reply replied 12 months ago
Cher..regarding my son and his father, my sentiments exactly almost!! I tried to reach out to him and asked...to you have a few minutes to chat privately, he said not really, so I guess a good thing! I told him never mind to him. I am glad I followed my gut and didn't tell him. I do feel he would only make it worse.I cried it out and calmed myself down, had a good cry got it out and now I am going to move forward. It's just hard I try so hard to protect them from stuff like this!!I don't know you but I am so grateful to have a sound voice right now!! Your advise about all situations are more help then you know!! I am calmer now emotionally so that is good! I may be more upset then him lol!! Okay well I am going to rest for now I will follow up soon...My warmest regards back,
Nichole ❤️ thank you and have a good night!
Customer reply replied 12 months ago
God I just re-read that what a mess!! I hope I am not the only one who losing their shit on here!! ���� sorry for the confusing repetitive response! Lol

Hi again, Nichole.

I guess it was meant to be, that you didn't tell your son's father at this time; you handled that well, when he couldn't talk right away. I'm glad you feel calmer and as I mentioned, this too, shall

pass! : )

No, you are not the only one losing their sh*t on here and your post was not a mess!

I know you only want to protect your son and do what's best for him, but sometimes circumstances present themselves that we have no control over, so hopefully, this will soon be forgotten. You're job as a mom, now, is just to make sure this boy doesn't bully him at school and tell your son, if someone (friends or strangers--you've spoken to him about stranger danger, right?) wants him to do something he doesn't want to do say 'NO!' and walk away with his head held high. Tell him to ignore the boy and I'm sure he has many other more respectable friends in school. For now, no sleepovers with anybody!

Thanks for your kind words and I wish you a good night, too!

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Customer reply replied 11 months ago
Good Afternoon Cher,I agree with you, I guess it just wasn't meant to be, he has talked to his Dad briefly since and hasn't mentioned a word. I am taking him out for family time today to also help keep his mind off of things. I am glad to hear that it will better and also pass as time goes onWe have talked about stranger danger before, but this morning we talked about it again and I took all your suggestions. I told him in the future, to say NO and walk away in confidence if there is something that you don't want to do. I also told him that I am going to let his teachers know that there has been some serious issues brought to my attention over the weekend, and that he cannot sit or play with LJ anymore at school.(he didn't understand at first why) but I said if you all don't get along and if he is bullying you, that it isn't a healthy relationship anyway, and that wouldn't you rather play with friends you get along with(he agreed).So now my goal is to figure out how to get Jeremiah to handle himself at school without being directly mean to LJ but also standing his ground of not playing together anymore( I mean he cant say my mom said so) I am trying to keep this transition as drama free as possible. I also feel obligated to let Jill(LJ's Mom) know my decision, without totally insulting her too. Although I haven't even heard from her. So maybe she isn't as worried about all this as I am.I am going to keep Jeremiah home with me tomorrow for "US TIME" and also take that opportunity to reach out to his teachers and request they are not around each other anymore. LJ always follows my son, so we will see. But hopefully they will take my request seriously!!Thanks Cher for all your time and efforts here
Nichole :)

Hi, Nichole.

It sounds like you have a very good plan in place, but make sure when you speak to the teachers at school, that you don't tell them exactly what happened, and just that LJ is always following your son around and has bullied him several times. When the word 'bully' comes into play, legally, the teacher has to honor your request. However, you don't want the teachers going to LJ and/or his parents and confronting him about bullying. Just say you'd rather that LJ and Jeremiah don't sit together in any class and to keep an eye on them during a 'free-time,' like recess. Try to find some other boys in the class that Jeremiah is friendly with, and encourage those friendships.

I'm glad you're having 'US TIME' with Jeremiah!

Best regards,

Cher

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