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Cher, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 90
Experience:  Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2
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When I first met my boyfriend I did not know he had kids

Customer Question

When I first met my boyfriend I did not know he had kids until I fell in love with him.He is the sweetest, nicest, guy ever so when I found out he had not 1 but 3 kids it really hurt me because I thought it was gonna be us but I accepted it I loved kids anyway and he went on to say how both the parents were married so it made me feel a lot better with the situation. Maybe a couple months into dating and his crazy child mother wrote a disrespectful post on his MySpace wall and me being who I am I had to let her know that was not okay and from there beef as you call it started. She would start something with me and when I respond she would call and tell his mother everything as if I was starting drama with her. It came to a point where me and his mother stopped getting along because she started treating my daughter different because of the situation. Basically his babymama turned his mother against me with her liesand when she started treating my.daughter as a nobody I started treating her the same way. Fast forward about 4 years later his daughter comes to visit and tell my brother her mom told her to tell me she was gonna be nice and to tell me hey. Sending messages through kids has got to be the worst thing ever and to top it off I know his family talks about me around the kids because of some of the things they be saying and doing.As of lately his oldest has started to make
rude remarks towards me which I ignored and just was giving me rude looks like ugh you know I'm just really getting fed up with everything but he such a sweet person I just hate he got all this
messy baggage attached😣! What do I do now?!
loop remarks and such which I ignored. I just left the house and went riding to cleary head
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 6 months ago.

Hi, Im Jules, a LPC. I am reviewing your question now and will be back ASAP with a thorough reply :) Please bare with me.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 6 months ago.

I appreciate your honesty about this situation. Im part of a blended family and I do understand where you are coming from about your concerns. I also understand the perspective of your partner and maybe even a little from where the children are coming from. I think that the kids have probably heard really negative things from their mother. It sounds like she may be a bit immature and even intimidated by the role that you are going to have with her kids. That may lead her to having a great deal of insecurity because having another woman in their lives is probably scary. You are dealing with three kids that are likely going to challenge you and press any limits you set because they have a great deal of confusion about how they should interact with you-- if that makes sense. They have "conflicts of loyalty" and your boyfriend has a "conflicting obligations." He may be absolutely perfect in every way, but he may struggle with establishing boundaries with the kids. Often parents involved in a divorce struggle with setting boundaries because there is a sense of "guilt" that the family system changed. I think that speaking to him about how you feel is going to be the best bet. He has to empathize with your role and you have to explain to him that you would like to grow the relationship with everyone, but he has to step in and explain your role to the kids and not allow that sort of behavior. It sounds like you may feel pretty "alone" right now and you should at least be abel to rely on him. What kind of stance has he taken at this point?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 6 months ago.

I just wanted to take an opportunity and check back in with you to find out how I can better help you :)