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CounselorJules, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 786
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I am having a heck of a time with my 9 year old daughter.

Customer Question

I am having a heck of a time with my 9 year old daughter. She has always been a straight A student until this year (she is about to end 4th grade). This year she will be lucky if she passes on to the 5th grade. It pains me greatly. She has also been very disrespectful this year towards every one in the family and constantly lying. I am at a loss as to what to do.. I have grounded her, taken stuff away, taken away privileges for a few weeks at a time. It seems to work (once her punishment is over) for about 3-4 days and she is back at it again. I am a stressed out mess and I have to 2 other children that see's all of this. What can I do that will work?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.
Good morning! I am sorry that you have had to wait for an answer. I hope that I can provide you with some options and answers this morning. It sounds like you have been using a system of punishments and they temporarily work. I am curious if we reversed the discipline measures to a "reward system" if that could help her feel empowered. In a reward system, the child or person is rewarded for engaging in the behavior that you want from them. It is a behavioral method that encourages ownership, empowerment, and a sense of responsibility. Basically, she has limited privileges to start, but earns them as her behaviors improve. You can explain it a bit like a "paycheck." Most people dont receive payment in their jobs until the work is done. Our children are not entitled to anything but we want to give them more privileges. You may have to let her know that in the real world our authority figures have expectations and we must meet them in order to receive the reward. Something else to consider is whether or not there is an unmet emotional need affecting her behaviors. If there have been changes in the home, any bullying at school, any tension elsewhere, she may be transferring this to you guys in the home because it is her "safe place." I am a huge fan of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He has a book called The Five Love Languages of Children that discusses how to meet each of the emotional needs or find their love language through gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. I can send you a link about these if you are interested :)
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago. Try reading both of these links :)
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.
I just wanted to check back with you and ask how you felt about the answers provided. Let me know if you need more information or if I can help you in any way :)