! Can you please give me your thoughts on the article

Question

Hi!
Can you please give me your thoughts on the article written in this link:
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/5-things-to-stop-saying-to-your-kids-and-what-to-say-instead.html
THANKS!

TherapistJen · Accepted Answer

TherapistJen :

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20+ years experience
working with individuals and families. What specifically would you like to know
regarding the article? I think it is a great article and on target, but please
elaborate on what you desire to know.

Customer:

HI!

TherapistJen :

hi. let me know what specifically you question in the article. a lot fo what is
is saying is that children grown best when developing internal coping skills to
solve most things.

TherapistJen :

sorry for the typos above.

Customer:

First, parents usually say "Good job" to their kids. The article says its not a
good thing to do it. Is this true?

Customer:

same for the "Good Boy/Girl"

TherapistJen :

when saying that it in some way can devalue the process...I believe in asking a
child how they felt about achieving something...this way they need to dig into
their own resources to find the answers and sense of accomplishment rather than
it always coming from an external source.

TherapistJen :

so when the external source isnt available to give...can the child feel theyve
done a good job...it needs to come from within.

TherapistJen :

doing something or not doesnt make them good or bad....

Customer:

How about threatening a child? Example: If you keep on crying we will take a
time out. Because when my 2 year old son is starting to throw a fit, I will tell
him "Ok, lets go upstairs and take a time-out". He seems to not like taking a
timeout so he will say "I'm OK now, Daddy". Is that classified as
scaring/threatening?

TherapistJen :

I am not opposed to setting that boundary and without threatening remind him of
what the boundary is....as soon as you calm down we can play again but until
then Daddy will be over here reading.

TherapistJen :

that gives him the time to calm himself....remember he is young so go easy and
know that you are doing all the things you do with love in your heart and
parenting is not about right and wrong...we all get it right sometimes and we
all get it wrong. Go easy on yourself too and trust your gut!

Customer:

In fact, he used to ask me to tell him to stop crying when his having a tantrum.
He would tell me "Daddy, tell John to stop crying!"

Customer:

But I tell him, you can cry if you want but you need to know when to stop.

Customer:

You need to know when to stop crying by yourself. You don't need Daddy to tell
you to stop crying.

TherapistJen :

at his age he needs you to provide some security as he feels the power of his
emotion and it could scare him. So give him that security while also helping him
to know that he can calm himself with you

Customer:

The past few tantrums, I noticed that he will stop crying by himself

TherapistJen :

excellent...so he is getting the hang of it. The less you engage a tantrum the
more he will quiet on his own

Customer:

after crying, he would look at me as if to say, Daddy, I just stopped crying by
myself... Aren't you proud... he gives me that look

Customer:

then I would say "Congratulations, honey!"

TherapistJen :

and you can ask him at that moment how he feels and how he feels about doing it
all on his own!

Customer:

Am I doing the right thing?

TherapistJen :

your love is always the right thing and I hear it loud and clear. One thing
about reading all those articles is that it can make you crazy...trust your love
and your gut and I hear it loud and clear with you!

Customer:

A while ago, while I was reading him a book at bedtime, he asked me to read a
different story. I told him, Honey, we have to finish what we started. This is
because Im afraid he might make it a habit of not finishing things. So, we
battled. He cried but I didn't give in. I told him its very important to standby
your choice. We will read the other story tomorrow, but for now we need to
finish what you chose. He threw a fit, but stopped by himself. Did I do wrongly?

TherapistJen :

he is so young and I think giving him some free choice is better than sticking
to that hard and fast. he is so young and sticking to what he started doesnt
apply now. I desire for you to relax and not overthink every little thing

Customer:

even if he gets it?

Customer:

I mean, even if he understand?

TherapistJen :

I think it is a bit much for his age. and kids at that age have short attention
spans and move from thing to thing. that is normal and he needs to have some
control of his environment and choices.

Customer:

he does have a lot of control over things

Customer:

I just tried to do some things I know he can already grasp

TherapistJen :

then follow your gut

Customer:

I feel when he understands or not

Customer:

First, if I impose something, I do it in a very calm way of explaining to him

TherapistJen :

continue to follow your gut...you know him best and better than any article. I
wish you the best and continued happiness with your family

Customer:

repeating and repeating until he gets it

TherapistJen :

ok so do as you see fit and I wish you all the best.

Customer:

Do I sound like a tyrant parent?

TherapistJen :

I think you can ease up a bit on a young child and worry less about how he will
turn out and enjoy each stage he is in.

Customer:

OK

TherapistJen :

if he wants a new book its okay! just try and relax and love him up

Customer:

Because knowing him, if he jumps from book to book, we will never finish reading
and he will go to sleep late.

TherapistJen :

ask him to pick the 2 books and let him know when doing so those are his choices
and after that it is bedtime. do this before you begin

TherapistJen :

give an extra 10 minutes at the start so he has the time to adjust

Customer:

OK

TherapistJen :

enjoy and relax and have fun...these are amazing moments...live them up even if
it doesn't always go according to plan.

TherapistJen :

come back to me anytime!

Customer:

Thanks for your time!

TherapistJen :

my pleasure. breathe!

Customer:

I will surely come to you from time to time.

Customer:

I am a single father raising a wonderful boy

TherapistJen :

excellent. I am here. Just ask for TherapistJen.

Customer:

and Im hands-on

TherapistJen :

and you are a wonderful father and it can feel scary but you are doing just
fine!

Customer:

Thanks!

Customer:

Have a good night.

TherapistJen :

you too! thanks for a positive rating. Im here when you need.

! Can you please give me your thoughts on the article

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