Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.
I am glad he is sober....how long has he been sober? Is he working and living a productive life?
Is he in AA or some sort of program to maintain his sobriety?
I think it is important for a child to know their parents and if the environment is safe to create a meeting then it seems okay.
in terms of getting back together....that seems like it would take some time and not something i would suggest that you jump back into because of old feelings.
A lot of time has gone by and ways of relating are different especially since there was abuse and drugs in the relationship.
I would be cautious and maybe see him first and evaluate how his life is and his intentions and go from there.
you are doing right by your child by thinking about it but also by being cautious.
your parents are concerned as well and this is out of protection.
proceed slowly and with caution.
why the poor rating?
we just begun. did you mean to rate my work poorly?
I am sorry you feel that way. I dont believe it was genreal at all but rather gave you specifics on what I suggest.
practical steps to move forward with it
I asked some questions that you did not respond to and that would also help in knowing how to proceed.
Excellent. that is all positive. Are you okay to proceed slowly with him? Have you seen him yet or not in these 8 years?
If you have not seen him then I would set up a time to meet with him to reconnect and talk and make a plan for him to see his son...but only after you are comfortable in his presence and feel that it would be safe for your child.
I understand your feelings are still strong for him. and because you have not seen him, that is why I strongly suggest you do so maybe even more than once to get reacquainted first and then go from there...if things move along well then you will know when it is time to have him see his Son.
Slow and steady is a great way to proceed here.
you both have intense feelings and I dont want those to blur and confuse the situation. there is plenty of time to reconnect and be a family if that is how it will end up so take it slow, step by step
My gut says that is too big of a step for a first meeting after 8 years.
does he have another friend close by where he could stay?
hard to fit back into family role when there hasnt been one and that can be overwhelming for your son and for all.
I dont believe all staying together is a great first step. I believe a meeting between the tow of you first to reconnect is what I suggest.
8 years is a long time, there is a lot of history and your son does not know him and the two of you dont know each other in this new way either. puts a lot of stress on things.
how long is the drive for him to come see you first for the day without your son
I think it is doable for him to pick a day when you son is in school. drive to see you so the two of you can spend a few hours talking, getting to know each other again and go from there. I know it is not what you want, but I feel the best way to begin this process.
you can request me by putting for CoachJenK at the beginning of your question. I am hoping you will offer a positive rating now as the poor rating reflects poorly on my support.
I am here to support you again.
Can I support you any further now?
Great question. when the connection between the two of you feels right by open communication, what yuo believe his role is now at the beginning, and if you see that his behavior has truly changed and feels safe for you.
if there are red flags while spending time together please do not ignore them.
my pleasure and thank you for sticking with me.
I hope I have given some direction and comfort.