Parenting

Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Parenting

I am 21, a female student who goes to college out-of-state

Customer Question
I am 21, a female...

I am 21, a female student who goes to college out-of-state and has her tuition, room and board, personal expenses, etc. completely covered by scholarships and grants. My grades are stellar, on the Dean's List, in the process of applying to grad school, etc. I do not have a job currently in the summer nor drive, so thus, I am living with my parents.


 


I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for over three years and we have a healthy, mature relationship. My parents, however, have not to this point warmed up to him, and are usually passive aggressive in regard to our relationship. I find that they are strict and overprotective: e.g. they set my curfew for 11 PM, and often, they do not allow my boyfriend to spend time at our house; when we first started dating, they forbid me from staying at his family's house — I don't know why (and they've never even met), they are a very respectable family with a strong matriarch.


 


They reason such strict rules have to be enforced because I am a "young 'Christian' girl and it is not becoming of me to be out late with the opposite gender." To be truthful, I am not religious but they refuse to accept this, and still say that I have merely strayed from the "narrow path". I don't drink, smoke, etc. They are extremely religious, to the point that I have veered from their values. There are various social and political issues we disagree upon, but from experience, I've learned it's better to keep my mouth shut and tolerate their opinions.


 


My relationship with my parents has not been the best since I was 17, before I even met my boyfriend nor dated anyone.


 


Today, I am writing because in an effort to 'reconcile' some tensions, my family invited my boyfriend to a baseball game. However, my boyfriend got extremely sick, so I called his family to come pick him up. I find my boyfriend lying on the ground, vomiting into a bush, and soon enough, a cop and paramedics come, we go to the stadium ER, and I am told by his family members that it is best if I stay with him at their house for a few hours. I immediately oblige. I updated my family on details and finally when I am at my boyfriend's house, his family and I decide it's best if I stay the entire night. I call my parents to let them know but they do not answer (it's midnight around this time). I leave them a few texts, and finally in the morning, I get dropped off back home. My parents are upset with me because they say I should not have stayed the night over (even though I had called them to no avail), and said that I was his girlfriend, not his WIFE — as if the duty to care for a significant other does not belong to a long-term girlfriend, or partner. It makes me feel like my relationship is petty to them and in return, I find their opinions illogical and possibly traditionalist. I have to listen to stuff like this too often. I am angry because every time they say something like this, there's nothing I can do lest we break into a serious fight and I am threatened with being disowned. It's not fair for them to make me feel guilty like this. What should I do? Who's right? Is there even a right or wrong person?


 


I should perhaps mention that I am their eldest child and only daughter, often sending my much younger teen brothers to keep track of my whereabouts, using them as excuse to stay home, stressing I have to set an example, etc. Ideally, I would like to move away and have my own place, but I strongly feel this would damage my relationship with them, in addition to further exacerbating their already tumultuous relationship with my boyfriend.

Submitted: 4 years ago.Category: Parenting
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Answered in 25 minutes by:
7/14/2013
Parenting Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 4 years ago
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Psychologist; Parent
Verified
Hello. I feel for your situation and admire you for sticking it out. You are an adult and capable of making your own choices and decisions in your life. I feel that you have every right to be an individual, to stick by your boyfriend and especially to be smart enough to have your own mind about religious intolerance. I commend you on that !
I know that you feel a little bit of guilt because you are staying with them and feel that you have to deal with their rules. In a way, that is the way it probably should be because it is their house, but they have to understand that you are not 15, you are 21 and they should respect you. I see a few options available to you and I'm sure you have thought about all of these as well. You can either suck it up and deal with their rules and conditions until you are able to move out, you can do whatever you want to do and let them deal with it. If you do this, you run the risk of being kicked out. Or, you find an alternative and a way to move out of their home. It seems as though your boyfriends' family likes you a lot, have you spoken to them about your dilema? Your relationship with your family is of course important because it is your family, however, they are being unreasonable with their expectations of you and need to learn to let go. You can be your own person and still love them and they can still love you even though you don't do everything they say.
I would evaluate how much you need to live there and how much you need to rely on your family first before you decide what to do. Is it a possibility you could move in with your boyfriend and his family? You need to do what you need to do for you. You are an adult and you cannot risk losing your boyfriend if you have a good relationship with him because your family is being irrational. I would also recommend that you have an honest talk with your family about your feelings. If you think they will shut you down and not even be open to a conversation, then I would write them a letter explaining in a nice and mature way of how you love them very much and respect them. Tell them how much you appreciate them raising you to be a successful college student and a good person. Keep it very positive. Tell them that you feel they do not respect you as an adult to make your own decisions and that you love your boyfriend very much.
If they deny your feelings, then that is their own fault, not yours.
You are a good person. You can be a good person without being religious. In fact, studies have shows that religious people tend to be the ones who commit more atrocities in the world than non religious people. You are a good person, don't let anyone tell you differently.
You have a right to being in a relationship which makes you happy. All of these things are what makes your life your life. Stand up for yourself and your choices.
While you feel moving away would damage your relationship with them, that would be on them not you. They would be the ones who would miss an opportunity to continue to be involved in the life of their daughter. Their relationship with your boyfriend would be great if it was a positive one, but again, THEY are choosing to not be open and mature to the reality of the situation. You are going to have to be a little bit selfish here and do what you need to do FOR YOU. It will be difficult and painful to lose a relationship with your parents, but think about your future. You can't be 40 years old and still under your parents rules. You have to make yourself happy in whatever way you can right now. Don't feel guilty for it, they need to learn to deal with it.
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
1,427 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Psychologist; Parent

Dr. Paige is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Cher

Cher

Teacher

94 satisfied customers

Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2

Jennifer

Jennifer

School Psychologist

77 satisfied customers

Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.

professional_Alison

professional_Alison

Child Care

77 satisfied customers

Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

40 satisfied customers

Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Doctor

38 satisfied customers

PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy

Eveningstargazer

Eveningstargazer

Family Counselor

31 satisfied customers

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Family Counselor

21 satisfied customers

Licensed social worker and psychotherapist

< Previous | Next >

Related Parenting Questions
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher is preparing our child for a dance competition. She keeps telling the child not to be nervous , not to be afraid. It seems to produce an opp… read more
Gaurav Gupta
Gaurav Gupta
MD, CEO
Post-Doctoral Degree
22 satisfied customers
I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year
Hi Pearl I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year old boy. I would like to get some advice on how to calmly handle my two year old. He is quite a handful, and it gets especially frust… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her grandparents). My current wife (her stepmom) and I are visiting my parents for the holidays with our two daughters. My daughter who lives w… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my boyfriend and I, we live together, and one of her biggest issues is that she doesn't stop lying, her lies go from “I didn't do it-to lying to… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with us. I've been with her mom for 10 years now and this child now adult has always been very selfish. She puts herself first for everything and … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as dysgraphia) which was diagnosed in grade one, but through the psych assessment we also learned he has extremely high cognitive ability. For … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to
i have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to teach him discipline because i don't wanna spank or hit. So ive been introducing tasks around the house. And geting him to say yes sir and no s… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has
Hi, I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has started spreading untruths this is a brief only Thank you janys… read more
CamilleRN
CamilleRN
Registered Nurse, Director of Nursing
4,150 satisfied customers
Dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think
dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think but when ever we will ask him to study he dont like. he make the face and you fell that he is sick. he sit long time for one subject to do hi… read more
danny541
danny541
Retired
608 satisfied customers
I raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me,
i raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me, to build a strong bond. i was a young single mom and did the best i knew how. i then ended up introducing someone into both of our lives th… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in school. I have put him on punishment, and he knows I am in constant contact with his teacher. It is not that he can't do his work, it is that he… read more
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Consultant Pediatrician
Doctoral Degree
2,246 satisfied customers
Whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in
whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in the orange county and LA area.… read more
Michael
Michael
Research Librarian
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
86 satisfied customers
This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a
(This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a parenting expert. I have a 5 year old pre-adoptive child in my home. I am her 5th placement in 3 years. This week, she received a diagnosis of… read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Associate Professor of Communication
Doctoral Degree
102 satisfied customers
My three year old turning four in September still isn't
my three year old turning four in September still isn't potty trained. When he was two and a half his grandmother saw that he accidentally pooped his pants had lost her mind held him on the toilet and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step son argues with me about everything I say. I'm tired
I'm tired of it and want to say something in a loving way … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed away, she disinherited her daughter, B.D. *******, because B.D. ****** wrote a book about her saying that she was a drunk and all of that. In … read more
LegalGems
LegalGems
Juris Doctorate
10,720 satisfied customers
Far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled" Eyre"
far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. In chapter one, ***** *****, the son of the Reed family, scolds Jane Eyre for reading one of the Reed family's boo… read more
Cher
Cher
Teacher
Masters Degree
94 satisfied customers
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl who will be 6 y/o on March, 2018 and my son who will be 3 years old this month (nov, 2017).Their personalities are very different and I'm very… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x