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RealSupport, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Sorry to be writing but Im talking to my ex about our daughter

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Sorry to be writing but I'm talking to my ex about our daughter and she's telling me I can't have a 13 year old boy (who's gotten his baby sitting certification) watch our daughter while I go out with friends. My wife and I would like to go out for a few hours with our friends and it's their son who would be watching my 7 year old daughter. They've known each other for years but now my ex is saying she's going to come over and get our daughter before we leave because she's not comfortable with our arrangements. I'm desperate to find some form of verification that it'll be alright but she is insisting a boy can't watch a girl and that it's fine until something bad happens...

Is this something you can help with? Perhaps there's some form of logic I'm not seeing that will help. She is saying "nobody would agree with me on this?"
Sorry if this isn't something you typically help with. I'm just trying to get a more professional point of view.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : This is very frustrating and upsetting for most people in your shoes. Unhappily this is not an uncommon scenario.
Customer: Yes, quite frustrating and I'm supposed to call her back and I'd like to call back with logic on my side.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You could see that no matter how much you try to discuss about this concern with your daughter's mother, she could endlessly continue to feel uncomfortable and confident that she is the one with the right reasons not to allow you to leave your daughter with a male minor, regardless of him having his baby sitting certification.
Customer: Is it just going to be a feeling situation? That's my fear... Logic won't work itself into the thought process and I'll have to give in - again.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : This is not about logic, it is about an emotional reaction fueling her fears and supporting a rigid approach abut how things should be around parenting and taking care of your daughter, and whenever that's the case, there is not much you could do to promote further insight and a change of mind.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Has this happened already before?
Customer: It has and it was so difficult that we haven't gone out since. It was different in that the sitter was a girl. But it went well for our daughter so I was optimistic. My wife has been in legal trouble with her current husband and has a restraining order against her so she isn't supposed to be at their house but is. But - regardless of her issues, I'd like her to trust me as our daughter's father and allow me to make decision...
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I am afraid that in most cases where there is shared custodial rights between parents, there are many things we cannot do that easily because of how the other parent could take them, and here this could use this simple scenario as a reason to state you could have been neglectful exposing your daughter to some form of potential sexual molestation; and I do not think you want to afford allowing her to get excuses to do that, in case she has been unreasonable and pushy in this and other areas before.
Customer: I suppose so. I guess I'll give her a call and ask for her trust and hopefully this will go my way. Perhaps the mother should meet the sitter.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Then this is serious since she is already doing something against the law. Please be careful since many people could retaliate when being that dysfunctional, what does not mean to spoil or please her ego, since that would only enable further manipulation and abusive behaviors, that's why healthy and clear boundaries and limits must be set, and when there is a risk that she could try to use a scenario like this to create further issues, it could be much wiser not to empower her even more.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : That sounds very proactive, the more you assure her about the soundness of your plan, the better it would be, but if after doing all that work, she remains attached to her fears, then you would have to consider how worthy it is to fuel her anger even more, because of how she could use it in the future to speculate and try to create further issues.
Customer: Agreed. I think the time since we talked will work in my favor. I feel certain she worked herself up just to call and confront me. Now that she's completed this task, I think she'll be more receptive to my plan being of worth and that while I value her fear, it's not warranted. My wife and I will keep the outing short and we'll prove this so going forward we'll have less worries.
Customer: Let me ask a simpler question - it's alright for a 13 year old boy to watch a child? Please remember, the child has taken and passed a baby sitting class.
Customer: TO clarify, the 13 year old has taken and passed the class...
Rafael M.T.Therapist : There is nothing wrong with a person his age with capacitation-certification to do that, but that's not the way she thinks about it.
Customer: Understood and thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You're very welcome
Customer: Not sure how I could relate to her way of thinking...
Customer: I'd like to say it's my turn for my way of thinking. I'm sure this isn't possible as I'm sure it's always her way of thinking but it's my parenting time and I love and want for my daughter just as much as she does.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Absolutely, this is your right and need, and also your daughter's priority to get the best from you
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