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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
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My ex-husband and I have have 50/50 joint care of our 4 year

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My ex-husband and I have have 50/50 joint care of our 4 year old son. This arrangement has been in place for two years. Although this is an unfortunate circumstance for all we have made a huge effort to ensure our son is happy, grounded and that both parents raise him with the same sets of values and make an effort to be friendly towards each other. Well I do. My ex-hasband is constantly berating me about something. It's his nature to be controlling and very bad tempered although at heart he is a good person and a good dad. He is now driving me crazy because when our son gopes to his home he sleeps in his own bed but when he comes to mine he wants to sleep in my bed and this angers my ex-husband. He doesn't think it is right and that it will affect my son in the long term. I am going to try but my ex is constantly trying to control every aspect of our sons life and what happens in my home. This is how I feel anyway.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I am sorry that your ex-husband has not stopped trying to control your life.

Dr. L :

It is very good that both of you are attempting to raise your son with the same sets of values and that you are committed to being friendly towards each. As you know, this will provide a sense of safety and security for your son.

Dr. L :

But...if you ex-husband berates you, tries to control you, and is bad tempered does he not understand that these behaviors are very poor modeling for your son! He is fighting you about where you son sleeps at night...yet he creates conflict in your relationship!

Dr. L :

Your son is 4 years old...if he wants to sleep with you that is not a harmful thing at this age. In many countries, co-sleeping is a very standard practice. But that is not the issue here...the real issue is your ex-husbands attempt to control your life and, to control, what happens in your home.

Dr. L :

I agree that there are joint decisions the two of you need to make about raising your son...things like schooling, discipline, medical treatment and so forth. The issue of where he sleeps at night does not seem to rise to the level of such joint decision making....not at age 4.. Rather, this is a case where a healthy discussion would be far better and where you agree to disagree if you can not come to a mutual decision.

Dr. L :

There must be some boundaries between your ex-husband and you that allow each of you to make some decisions on your own. Every issue cannot be battled over...as the one who will get hurt here is your son!

Dr. L :

You need the ability to feel free to parent your son in your own home without worrying that your ex-husband will disapprove. You divorced him for a reason and having him like a ghost in your home is unreasonable.

Dr. L :

If you need help setting some boundaries over how your son will be raised, I urge you to see a therapist so that you can sort this out and gain the strength you need to stay in control of your life.

Dr. L :

I see you are offline. When you come online I will be notified and then we can chat.

Dr. L :

http://www.babycenter.com/0_sleep-sharing-the-family-bed_7753.bc

Dr. L :

above is an article you might find helpful to read...

Customer:

Thank you Dr.L. Your advice is really what I needed to hear and relects what I have been thinking and what others close to me are saying. It is always good to get advice from someone who is not emotionally involved with the family. I will be strong and stand up to my ex-husband and suggest we talk sensibly about it. I will also check out the link on baby center. Many thanks again. Regards,

Dr. L :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L :

Take care!

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