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SREED177, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  I have a Master's In Marriage and Family Therapy, and have been in the field for 4 years.
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This continues to be a question about my adult daughter. I

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This continues to be a question about my adult daughter. I realize my parenting role is over and has been for many years. My daughter is 33, still living with her boyfriend.
She has known him for 5 years and they've been living together for 2 years. There is no indication that they truly love one another. I think they are both together because neither can afford to live on their own. I'm sure it's living together with privileges.
In Aug. my daughter had to get 4 new tires for her car. She told me how she was buying them 90 days same as cash. I guess she put me down as a reference. Why wouldn't she put her boyfriend down as a reference??? Well, the tire company has called me several times trying to reach my daughter. It seems she is behind in her payments. I have contacted my daughter and told her to return this call. She came me some story that she had to change some of her information and it takes 24 hours to process and she can't do it over the phone. I know this is a total lie---because the manager of the store called me 2 days later saying he's still trying to reach her. I want to confront her about these "stories" she tells me. I want her to feel she can tell me the truth. I told her to let me know if she could use some help in catching her up with the payments. I have heard nothing. She has had problems in the past with paying bills on time. Her credit rating is very poor. She doesn't seem to want to face the realities of the importance of responsibilities in paying her bills on time. She was taught and shown by example how to do this. It's like she puts these responsibilities out of her mind and has her head stuck in the sand. What can I do to help her? She seriously needs help. I doubt that her boyfriend knows about her financial situation. She has a job but I honestly don't think it would be enough for her to live on her own. I think she has bills greater than what her take home pay is. So she just avoids them. Ok. I'm finished. What help anyone can give me would be deeply appreciated.

I think that it is very nice that you are concerned about your daughter and her finances. With that being said, she is an adult and it is going to be very difficult for her to share something with you regarding how bad her finances are and her inability to pay bills. Since you have contacted her so many times regarding her bills and even offered to assist her with payments and have heard nothing, more than likely she does not want your assistance in paying the bills. Do not take it personal, she just may not want your help. One thing that you can do, is you want to teach her how to better budget money. There are several places that offer free financial counseling and how to better teach people to budget there money. Perhaps finding one and telling her that you yourself would like to go to these classes and you would like her to join you, may be a good idea, so she does not feel like you are telling her what to do, but that you are asking her to join you. The thing is, you want her to learn a permanent solution to managing her money so that she is not always coming to you or in trouble with her finances. She may be more open into listening to a professional than she is to you, and they can pull her credit report and let her know how this can affect her future and teach her how to fix it.

As for the tires, I would not mention it to her anymore. I would asked the company to remove me from a reference and to stop calling, but your daughter knows that they are trying to contact her, and I would hate for you to put yourself in a bad position with her by continuing to mention it. I think it is better for her to learn permanent money management skills so that she does not find herself in this position again.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for the advice. She lives over 800 miles away so taking classes together would be impossible. I did send her a Suzie Orman (sp) book on how to manage money, etc. Of course, she never mentioned that she has read it. If the tire company calls me again, I will ask if she put anyone else down as a reference. If so, take my name off and call that person. My daughter lived at home until she was 28 so is still trying to figure it all out, I think. It took her 7 years to get her Associate's Degree then never did finish college. When she got into college, she had trouble with deadlines, etc. If she received help, she would do fine. She just wasn't self-motivated. I really do believe she has an ADD problem. I've read up on this and she displays so many of the symptoms.

Thanks again for your advice.