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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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My soon to be ex wife is pressuring me to move out of our martial

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My soon to be ex wife is pressuring me to move out of our martial home (rented) during/after the divorce, and is telling me that it is better for our child (5 year old daughter) psychologically if we give her a fresh start in a new home. My feelings are that divorce is stressful enough on my daughter, and that a move would add even more stress in her life. Would a move be healthy for my child psychologically, or would it more likely create additional confusion and undue stress that she would have to process in addition to the changes relative to the divorce.

I understand your side as well as hers. The divorce will be difficult and there is a lot of factors that play a role in this. If you both agree on living together in the house after the divorce there are different ways to do that as well as difference pros and cons.

1 You can both live at peace not talking about the divorce to your child until she is older while both of you maintaining your relationship with her. The down side to this is that she will learn that this is how a marriage is and think it is normal behavior since she will not know about the divorce.

2. You can do just the above and try explain to her about the divorce, so she grows up knowing this is not how a relationship should be. However, this can be confusing to her at such a young age and may do more harm than good.

For both of these options it would be extremely important that you both get along well and can handle this because fighting or negative behavior between the both of you can end up being counterproductive and doing more harm than good. Also, you would need to consider if one or both of you start a new relationship how that would work out and how long you would want to live like this. I do agree financially this option would be easier for both of you.

Now your wife does make good points because by living in a new home she can still continue a good relationship with each of you and know that you both are no longer together and this is why you do not live together any longer. This may be less confusing in the long run and children usually adapt well to new situations at this age.

All in all the important factor here is for you both to come to a conclusion that will realistically work for the both of emotionally, financially, and of course for the best interest of your daughter. I would sit down and discuss everything I pointed out with your wife along with ideas and opinions of each of you in order to create a plan. You both may consider doing your plan for a temporary amount of time and then switch over the her plan. Different things work for different people and this is one of those cases that you both would need to come to a compromise for your daughter. With either issue their will be pros and cons as well as issues she may go through. The important thing is for you both to be there for her with love and support through each time. Do not worry about the future, but handle things as they come. If you both spend time with her and do what is necessary as a parent then your daughter will be just fine regardless of what the two of you end up settling on.

I wish you all the very best and please let me know if I can clarify or be of further help.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I think you may have misunderstood mu inquiry slightly. My wife is planning to move out regardless, and we do not intend to continue to live together. I just plan to continue renting the same residence, and the wife seems to think that this will be worse psychologically for my daughter than if I got a new place and our daughter had two new homes. I think it better to maintain some form of normalcy in her life while this major transition occurs. Your input is valued, but did not provide clarity on what I am asking about. We are working on a shared parenting plan, and this is becoming a sticking point.

Hi Rick,

I am so sorry that I misunderstood and I thank you for clarifying for me. I do not think that by you staying in the same residence it would be worse psychologically for your daughter. If that is better for you financially then that is what you need to do. Anyway, I do agree with you in the sense that there will still be some normalcy in your daughter's life since she can visit you at a home where she is used to rather a new place all together. This can provide comfort to her being in a place she is used to rather than two completely new places.

Hope this was helpful. Please let me know if I can help further.

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