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what can you do when ex partner is putting badness into childs

head about step parent...
what can you do when ex partner is putting badness into childs head about step parent
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Answered in 1 hour by:
9/25/2012
DocRob
DocRob, Doctor (MD)
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience: Doctor & Father
Verified
Welcome to Just Answer. I truly hope that you will be able to benefit from my many years experience both in paediatrics, and as a father! I will aim to provide sensible, common sense help, but I need you to read and agree to the contents of this paragraph.

This conversation cannot be used as a substitute for a face to face patient-doctor consultation and is for educational purposes only. Whilst I may give suggestions for you to look at, I cannot diagnose or recommend treatment online and I cannot be held responsible for the consequences derived from the information given here, under any circumstances.

Finally, I would be very grateful if you could rate my answer when completed; I strive for level 3 or above in this but if you feel that you my advice warrant’s negative feedback, please remain in contact with me to see if we can resolve any issues before leaving the feedback. If you still feel that my answer was poor and that negative feedback is warranted, I will then fully respect your wishes.

If you continue this conversation, you are accepting these as our “terms”.

Welcome. I am sorry you are in this difficult position. I would like to ask you a few questions in order to help me better answer your question:

1/ do you have evidence for your ex-partners behaviour?
2/ what sort of "badness" are you referring to? is it name calling, blatant lies about issues or just undermining?
3/How old is your child?
4/ how long have you lived with your new partner, and are you married etc?
5/ is there ANY truth to the ex-partners' comments?
6/ is your child taking notice of the comments or have they started to act-up against your new partner?
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Hi, I am sure that you are busy with plenty of things at the moment but I just wanted to remind you that when you find the time, I am here to offer my help. All I need are the answers to the questions above and we can get going. Kind regards, Rob

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

My partners ex-partner won,t speak to her, all communication is through her daughter


The boy has just turned 7 years of age


We were getting on really well, this included going on trips, playing football, doing lego etc, then one Sunday after returning from his dad he just totally pulled away not even talking. Every time he returns now its just the same. unfortunately i am 46 and have sterted to think about what it will be like in several years time.


We,ve been together over 12 months but knew each other 20 years ago.


We,ve leaved together 8 months


Also about 4 months ago my partners eldest daughter heard me telling the boy off and she said to my partner i had no right to tell him off when the boy was in the room and i was upstairs


I hope this helps

Thank you. I am still a little confused though. I assume that you are not the biological mother, and that the ex-partner to which you refer, is the child's biological mother. Is that correct? (this is important, please clarify)

Have you tried to talk to the "ex partner" about this, and if so, what was the outcome?
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago


My partner is the biological mother and her ex partner is the biological father who refuses to talk to her about anything. Any messages have to go through her daughter.

Ok. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX clear from the start.

SO, your partner is the child's mother, and so I assume that she has custody and that the 7 year old son lives with you two.

It sounds like the child's biological father has taken offense at you disciplining the child, and that he may be trying to undermine your parenting.

The boys father then is unwilling to discuss the issues with you, and is actively being avoidant on the issue.

I assume that these are the "facts" as things stand.

That being the case, you are in a very delicate position. Both you, your partner, and her ex partner have rights and responsibilities.

If the child lives under your roof, and that of your partner, you can reasonable expect that the child should obey your rules whilst there.

The child's father can also expect to feel that his wants for the child are being respected during his upbringing.

Your partner is then in a very difficult position of wanting to keep you and her ex partner happy for the sake of the child.

Unfortunately, it is not acceptable for the father to use his son against the two of you in this way ... encouraging a lack of respect, especially by openly supporting him against you in front of the boy (thus undermining you). These issues need to be discussed in private at first. However, I know from experience that fathers without custody often feel impotent in the upbringing of their child and so leap to their defense in this sort of way to show the child that they "really do love them". Understanding his perspective is an important way to move forward, as the only way you will all do so is if you can find some common ground, and be able to sit down and agree on how you will manage disciplinary matters and more.

For example, in order to open a dialog, you may need to approach him by conceding that you could have handled some issues differently (therefore keeping him feeling "on-side" with you), before suggesting that you come to some common ground, explaining that you have to be able to tell him off if he misbehaves for you, but what he feels would be appropriate... perhaps by giving him the sense of more control, and inclusion, he may soften his approach to this situation again.

I would certainly advocate a friendly friendly approach first. You can try this with or without your partner present, depending on what you think is most approapriate.

Does this help you?

Let me know if you have any other questions. If not I will open this up to feedback

DocRob
DocRob, Doctor (MD)
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience: Doctor & Father
Verified
DocRob and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
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Hi, thank you for the positive feedback. However I want to make sure that my customers are always very satisfied with.my support and advice. Is there anything I can do to help u further and improve my rating and your sense of satisfaction?
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DocRob
DocRob
DocRob, Doctor (MD)
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 86
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