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earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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I have a 4 yr old son that hasnt seen his dad in a year. His

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I have a 4 yr old son that hasnt seen his dad in a year. His father is an alcoholic and does occasional drugs I left when I found out he was abusing my son. My son has started talking about him a few weeks ago, he said he was scared of daddy and that daddy hurt him but he also cries and says he misses his daddy. I never mentioned him since we left, when he started bringing him up I just listen. But I am confused as to how he can be scared of him and miss him at the same time? I feel bad and dont know how to help him.

earthsister :

Good evening, I would like to assist you today.

earthsister :

I am sorry to hear about this, and do understand how upsetting such a situation can be. I would first like to say that what you have already tried is a step in the right direction of how to help your son: listening, being supportive, and letting him know that you love him. Just as confused as you feel about how your son can feel love and hurt for his father, I know that he (your son) must be equally confused with the feelings that he has; especially considering his age. To better understand the idea, think of a woman who is abused in a relationship, yet keeps coming back to the man, or still loves him: although she has been hurt, she still feels an attachment to him, especially if that was her only kind of experience (negative); which is what I think of with your son, his father is the only father that he knows, so although he feels hurt, he still loves him.

Customer:

I some times feel guilty for leaving when he says he misses him is this normal? should I feel guilty do you think I did the right thing?


 

earthsister :

You definitely did the right thing in removing yourself from an abusive environment, regardless to who the abuser was. I do think that feelings of guilt, especially when our children say such things is completely normal; however know that you did the right thing.

earthsister :

Now would be a good time to speak to your son's pediatrician regarding his mental health, and question whether or not he or she (doctor) has any recommendations on a good child therapist that can help you and your son get to the bottom of understanding and being able to deal with his feelings

earthsister :

Alternatively, you can also try searching for a child therapist that will suite the needs of your family. GoodTherapy.org is a website that you can use to search by zip code or area (as they are international) for the specific kind of therapist that is right for you:http://www.goodtherapy.org/

Customer:

Okay thank you for your help I appreciate it I have been looking into therapy and hope to start soon. Thank you again


 

earthsister :

You are most certainly welcome. I think you are on the right path, now you just need to find what will work best for you and your son. If you do need any other ideas or resources, please do not hesitate to ask; I will be more than happy to help.

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